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~~Brotherly Love~~
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Two grammatical mistakes have been defeated. I'm off for tonight, guys
26-Aug-2010 02:30:34
Lastly, there were a few agreement errors, and other such things, though these are most likely due to an oversight during proofreading or editing. I can remember one particular error found in the last sentence of the sixth page of this thread. It reads "...he stopped, closed his eyes, and finally letting that tear rolling down his cheek."
It should be either "...closed his eyes, and finally let that tear roll down..." or "he stopped and closed his eyes, finally letting that tear roll down..." Perhaps also consider replacing 'that' with 'a'. 'That' insinuates more that he was holding in that one tear... which is fine (good, actually. That was the sense I got) but it comes off in that particular sentence. It doesn't really roll off the mental tongue, if you know what I mean. Anyway, that one is entirely up to you.
I find you can catch those sort of errors if you read the story out loud to yourself —slowly and carefully. It's easy to skip over small errors and verbal trips when you read with your eyes only; especially when you're reading something that you yourself wrote.
Anyway yeah. It's a good story, and don't try and take that away from yourself. Touching and cleverly written. Keep up the great work!
-Arcot
It should be either "...closed his eyes, and finally let that tear roll down..." or "he stopped and closed his eyes, finally letting that tear roll down..." Perhaps also consider replacing 'that' with 'a'. 'That' insinuates more that he was holding in that one tear... which is fine (good, actually. That was the sense I got) but it comes off in that particular sentence. It doesn't really roll off the mental tongue, if you know what I mean. Anyway, that one is entirely up to you.
I find you can catch those sort of errors if you read the story out loud to yourself —slowly and carefully. It's easy to skip over small errors and verbal trips when you read with your eyes only; especially when you're reading something that you yourself wrote.
Anyway yeah. It's a good story, and don't try and take that away from yourself. Touching and cleverly written. Keep up the great work!
-Arcot
26-Aug-2010 07:26:58
Hey, Arcot! Thank you so much for reading.
Yeah, I reckoned if it were a happy-ending...well, I just probably wouldn't execute it as well
I'm glad you liked the story, and that is really high praise!
I also quite liked the beginning of chapter 4
Also, I do actually think I have been put off semicolons in general, and try not to use them unless I am absolutely sure that it is correct there. Besides, sometimes they do take away the attention from the text.
Mmm, I didn't know that the start of the story was confusing
But I think that, because the whole chapter is just Ronny in his bed, the perspective wouldn't jump to Edward, at least not until Chapter 3 anyway.
I assure you the agreement errors and other such things were likely not an oversight, but a genuine lack of knowledge or the lack of affinity with the English language. As for that error, I will change it. I was confused and decided to add the 'ing' because I thought I had to stick to the past tense (or at least, past continuous), although roll would have sounded much better.
If I remember correctly, Ronny is letting that tear roll down, and he had held that tear since the time he talked with Edward and Edward ignored him. That's what I was trying to create, really. Ronny had been holding that tear, trying to appear changed and able to accept responsibility, but when he left, he let that tear fall.
Thank you for posting, and thank you for the feedback too, they are great. Aww, I really want to put your quote on front page
(I wonder which showpieces are there on your list, as I want to do some hunting too...)
Yeah, I reckoned if it were a happy-ending...well, I just probably wouldn't execute it as well
I'm glad you liked the story, and that is really high praise!
I also quite liked the beginning of chapter 4
Also, I do actually think I have been put off semicolons in general, and try not to use them unless I am absolutely sure that it is correct there. Besides, sometimes they do take away the attention from the text.
Mmm, I didn't know that the start of the story was confusing
But I think that, because the whole chapter is just Ronny in his bed, the perspective wouldn't jump to Edward, at least not until Chapter 3 anyway.
I assure you the agreement errors and other such things were likely not an oversight, but a genuine lack of knowledge or the lack of affinity with the English language. As for that error, I will change it. I was confused and decided to add the 'ing' because I thought I had to stick to the past tense (or at least, past continuous), although roll would have sounded much better.
If I remember correctly, Ronny is letting that tear roll down, and he had held that tear since the time he talked with Edward and Edward ignored him. That's what I was trying to create, really. Ronny had been holding that tear, trying to appear changed and able to accept responsibility, but when he left, he let that tear fall.
Thank you for posting, and thank you for the feedback too, they are great. Aww, I really want to put your quote on front page
(I wonder which showpieces are there on your list, as I want to do some hunting too...)
26-Aug-2010 15:02:27 - Last edited on 26-Aug-2010 15:30:02 by Englishkid62
"For fun, when this idea came to me, I asked a friend of mine, K Hearts, in a mail if he would like to help me to co-write this story. It was a mail to which he never responded, so I assumed he didn't feel it was worth his time."
Hmm. I don't believe I remember seeing this message.
Hmm. I don't believe I remember seeing this message.
27-Aug-2010 07:59:34
Love sucks
28-Aug-2010 17:25:59
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