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Nildi of Keldagrim

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97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
So, I’ve finally got around to reviewing, as this is my first day ‘free’. Sorry it took so long, but hopefully it’s worth the wait! I have a feeling this is going to be my hardest test of a review, so far.

A nice little excerpt from another book starts the story off well. It gives the whole story an extra little dimension, as it adds to the reality of the whole piece by giving the story it’s own history. However, I don’t think that using first person as an opener to the story is a good choice, as your prologue was the little excerpt, right? By making chapter one first person and then changing that straight away to third person I think you lose the audience a little, forcing them to readjust and breaking the flow a little. It develops the character nicely, I’ll admit, but overall it decreases from the piece. Maybe you could add it to the excerpt by having you reading “The Deep Ages”? I don’t know, it’s just a suggestion and I could also be completely wrong with the 1st/3rd person change. All a matter of opinion, eh?

But the description of Nildi is practically perfect, with a brilliant simile thrown in. This continues through into the next post and it’s done beautifully. Instead of telling, you’re showing, which is rare on these forums now days. In fact, it** always been rare. Then you change your style up with you telling us about how the barman looked and it’s much less effective. I want to be there, watching this all happen. Stories are so much better when you’re there, rather than being told. Also, I get the feeling that the bartender is too polite when he speaks. He owns a bar and even upper-tier ones have some raunchiness about them! Also, what he says sounds really forced, as if the words don’t belong in the story. To me, it makes the character seem detracted from the story and feel ‘fake’. See, I know this isn’t you’re best dialogue as the next post has Nildi sounding like a true dwarf, through and through.

17-Sep-2009 05:44:12 - Last edited on 17-Sep-2009 05:46:13 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The lead up to the next chapter is good, besides the bartender still sounding a little too forced and fake. His grasp on the English level is just through the roof. This leads us away from the time setting everyone has of Runescape, which is where your story’s set as stated before, and brings us out of your alternative reality you’re trying to weave. I don’t like that – I want to stay inside the story!

There’s a lot of sentences in the second paragraph of “Terror in the Mines" that I can’t fault grammatically, but just don't sit right with me. Whether it’s the flow or just how it sounds when I read it, I don’t know, but it*s killing me. Also, I’m never sure about this, as Shakespeare doesn’t do it but we’re taught it in school… shouldn’t we use commas between adjectives that are describing one object? I see this time and again and I’m never sure. If I’m wrong, disregard this, as I’m just musing. If I’m right... <C> re-read!

Brilliant work in the dying dwarf’s talk. I really felt sympathy towards him and you really get the feeling that he is struggling to say what he is, whether it’s through pain or fear we’re not sure, but that just adds to the overall quality of this little snippet. The nightmare is along much of the same lines, with a tired yet frantic feel about it. I can’t help but feel that instead of ellipse, you could use dashes. Much more effective, as it gives a quicker feel to the paragraph, rather than the slow and prolonged feeling the ellipse give. Maybe a mixture of the two would work?

I think this is the first time I’ve ever read one of your stories and seen a joke misfire. “Jonny. Or ‘Hey you, another pint!’” I looked at this sentence and just shook my head. Not every story can have jokes, Dream! Regardless of what I said to Chuk, I’m not going to crucify you for this. I will say this: You’re no longer a comedy god! (Kidding, kidding. But seriously. No more jokes like that. If I get one in game I’ll cry)

17-Sep-2009 05:44:17 - Last edited on 17-Sep-2009 05:48:36 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
And the plot thickens with the introductions of lies! Oh goodie! How he brings out the pendant is a little cliché, but hell, it happens to the best of us. Once again, we have brilliant description, though. And a stereotype angry dwarf! Yay!

“An Unfortunate Entry” brings back the comedy I know and love! I got a good laugh out of reading this and – actually, Draken sums it up quite nicely, spelling errors aside (In his post straight after. Not your story). You then back up that post with an eerie chapter of death. Brilliantly done and thoroughly enjoyed.

The imagery of a dwarf on a horse got me laughing as well. Small delights within a story are what make a great story truly brilliant. Something strikes me as odd about Jonny, though. I don’t know what it is (I did read this years ago, as it is) but something about him just strikes me as wrong. Also, it’s very easy to tell you enjoy a good beer by how you describe it. It makes you sound like an alcoholic (In a good way). The song is a nice little addition, showing your range of abilities in writing. Songs are no easy things to get into a story, especially one you wrote yourself, so well done on that aspect.

Seriously, the best chapters are your darker ones, at the moment. They add so much to the story and give a density the rest of your story just can’t deliver. I’m surprised you turned out as a comedy writer when I read these. You’re just so damn good at the dark and deadly!

Well, looks like Chuk was right. After the brief first nine posts, the errors aren’t occurring as much. Damn… I wanted to give you a roasting (Kidding. Though only slightly). However, I don’t like the use of the word divine when you use it to mean “perceive”. This is only opinion, but divine always makes me think “Godly being”, not perceive. And I’m going to miss Lucky D=

17-Sep-2009 05:44:59 - Last edited on 17-Sep-2009 05:46:55 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The chapters that break away from Nildi are increasing, almost as if it’s showing that story is getting closer to hitting its cli<C>max. It’s good use of a story’s structure and one thing I don’t see much, even with professional writers.

And here’s the first out and out mistake I’ve found! “Waylaid and killed two guards on the road to Yanille, apparently,” replied Treg.” <-- This made me feel good, knowing your not perfect.

Draken and Roshie were right, concerning the horror aspects of the story and a lot of familiar characters being killed off. It gives the reader a little more kinship with the characters when they’re part of the game, as we’ve all stood around them. Kinda gives you the appearance of “you could be next”, and the way it’s written certainly allows you to think that way!

Is it just me, or does Nildi seem to get younger as he goes along? His persona changes from the of a clam, well-thought elder to that of a rash youth as the story progresses. I be confused at his age. That’s a hard thing to change, though, if you were even thinking of doing, which I suggest you don’t. Oh, you have an accent above the o in role (Chapter: The Skin Traders).

I think Lavrus talking about the dead Devlin is kind of… well, forced. It’s not what I would imagine him saying at a time like that. Mind you, I can’t tell you what he would say, so who knows? But yeah, seems a little forced, maybe a little wooden.

Nice to meet the final plot, as it unwinds. Very good build up, and nice to see you did*’t rush the gem breaking. Also, clever thinking with using the gem as a focus. Initiative is a helpful tool in a writer’s arsenal.

17-Sep-2009 05:45:00 - Last edited on 17-Sep-2009 05:47:44 by 97swiftarm

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
MY CONCLUSION

So, where to begin, eh? Firstly I enjoyed the story immensely, as you would have already known. The way the plot and characters are woven together and separately is just brilliant and a joy to read. The structure of the whole story is also a golden gem that can only truly be appreciated when read in full, in one go. To anyone reading this, do it. Do it now.

My favourite thing about this whole story has got to be your interval chapters, when the people are killed. The suspense and mystery that is created her just held me enthralled. I think reading it a second time, with your ability in comedy set in my head, just pronounced the fact of how skilled you are at writing.

However, there is constructive criticism coming out of this review. As I said, way back at the beginning of the review, I don’t think the excerpt as a prologue, chapter one as 1st person and then chapter two from then on is 3rd person really works. Combining chapter one and the prologue together would make it better, in my eyes. Then you could have the epilogue as 1st person, as well, adding symmetry to the whole story, which would increase the effectiveness of your story structure!

Also, occasionally your dialogue strikes me as out of place. Again, this is just my opinion, which is far from the right one. How to fix this one, I don’t know. Maybe, if you even agree with this whole idea (XD), you can now go into a story thinking of making your dialogue a little less forced? Don’t worry, 95% of the time it was brilliant dialogue, but that 5% that wasn’t really took the gleam from your story.

Other than that, not a lot to say, other than I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’m waiting out for Nildi 2!

P.S: Drop by and leave a blurb, would ya?

17-Sep-2009 05:45:11 - Last edited on 17-Sep-2009 05:47:18 by 97swiftarm

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
That was a really useful review there, Die. I'm not just saying that, but I mean it. You've effectively focused in on the weaknesses I have, especially some of the dialogue parts. There are definitely things I'd change, were I to review and edit it, which I really should do.

I agree that the dark chapters are the real cement that hold the greater plot together. I was happy with how effective they felt when I first wrote it, and I understand entirely that they'd be your favorite parts. But I'm also very happy that you pointed out which other bits (especially the comedy aspects) you felt worked and didn't work so well. I can go back with those thoughts in mind, because I think you echo what I really knew all along myself virtually exactly.

Clearly the 1st person thing is a concern to you. I'm in two minds myself, and I worked on the wording of that passage A LOT, but i didn't want to turn my back on the challenge of effectively using 1st person to get the reader into the story. I think of the verse at the very beginning as a title sheet more than any kind of prologue to the story, but perhaps it gets in the way. I'm not sure. If it impacts the 1st person passage, then it's certainly redundant.

So will I go back, edit this, and then get going on Nildi 2? I can't guarantee it, but I am interested in this story again, and will most likely go back and re-read it myself in entirety on the back of your comments. And from there, who knows?

I am most grateful for your time and thought, Die. It's hugely appreciated!

Dreamweaver

17-Sep-2009 06:58:11

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