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Zaibatsu 0

Zaibatsu 0

Posts: 2,895 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey Anne, if you don't have Word like me, you can copy and paste your entries into an eemayal (Read it, the censor messes me up here!) programme. Most of them have a decent spell checker.
I've recently started doing that with mine, trouble is I'm English and it throws American spellings at me!

11-Sep-2006 17:02:49 - Last edited on 11-Sep-2006 17:03:30 by Zaibatsu 0

[#AOG5LB35J]

[#AOG5LB35J]

Posts: 414 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Spelling> 8/20> Well, this is your worst mark. Your spelling was, in all honesty, rubbish. As I’ve said in all my other reviews, a proof read will solve everything. Try to keep that in mind. Too improve your spelling try using MS word’s spell check. It’s the most accurate source, more accurate than any-one on this forum could ever be. You actually miss spelt ‘Keppon’ a few times, changing it to ‘Keppen’. This is bad; you must know your own characters.

Grammar> 13/20> Well, quite a few basic grammar mistakes here. Including the most common on this forum, the ‘punctuation after speech’ thing. Here is a list so it’s all clear and dandy:

“Hello!” He said> Correct, as I used an exclamation mark after the speech I need a capital letter afterwards.

“Hello,” He said> Incorrect, as I used a comma I don’t need a capital letter after the speech.

“Hello” H/he said> Incorrect, you ALWAYS need some sort of punctuation after speech.

“Hello.” He said> Correct, as I used a full stop I need a capital letter afterwards.

And you get the idea… Another thing, I cannot stress how important ‘starting a new line with speech’ is. In all fairness, towards the end of the story you picked up on this, thus gaining you three extra marks here. Another thing, a few times you used brackets as a way of explaining things, this is a big no no. Try to describe it instead. Also avoid using lists in your story; you used a list to describe the thoughts of a character, try to think of a different way to do this, maybe she could mumble it under her breath? Or tell a companion about her thoughts?

11-Sep-2006 17:29:06

[#AOG5LB35J]

[#AOG5LB35J]

Posts: 414 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Description> 25/50> Unfortunately, I could see little description her which is a shame. Your mark would’ve been considerably higher had you taken this into account. Try to think about your story from your reader’s point of view. Describing things helps considerably; it gives the reader a better picture of what’s going on and what people look like. In future take this into account…

Sentence Structure> 17/20> Good mark here, I could see few sentences which could’ve been worded in a different, more professional way. Once, I think, you used a slang word. I believe it was ‘Dissed* avoid this at all costs, it looses professionalism. Use insult instead.

Plot> 18/20> Another good mark, you made you’re characters goals clear and there problems. I liked the way you fused a few separate plots into one big one. But, on a more negative note, a strange thing happened when ‘Keppon’ fell through the bushes. He had blood spilling out of his body, from arrows and he had been walking for days, meaning that he would be incredibly weak! But it seemed that a little drink cured him of that? A tad un-realistic, but other-wise. Well done.

Character Development> 14/20> Overall it was good; the only thing letting you down here was the fact that you failed to create a past for your characters. Does ‘Sukrae’ have a good or bad past? What has ‘Kerr’ done to make him evil? What has ‘Kerr’ been stealing to make ‘Sukrae’ made? Apart from that, you did well. I liked the description you gave about ‘Keppon’. It leaves abit of a cliff hanger as to why Kerr killed them. Is it because he’s just pure evil? Is it because they did some-thing to anger him? Well done.

11-Sep-2006 17:29:22

[#AOG5LB35J]

[#AOG5LB35J]

Posts: 414 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Extras> 2/5> I’m giving you these because of your amazing plot. In my opinion it is one of the best I have seen, pretty flawless actually. I would’ve given more, but your poor spelling and grammar let you down.

Overall> 60/100> You have a good story here Anne, with a great plot, good sentence structure and decent characters. I would’ve awarded more, but as I’ve said, your spelling, grammar and description let you down greatly. In future try and focus on these as you pretty much have the rest sorted. If you do this then we will have a very popular story on our hands. (As always, if you feel that any of my criticisms are unfair or abit harsh, then please, don’t hesitate to contact me and we can talk in more detail about them.)

11-Sep-2006 17:29:30

Anne Lauten

Anne Lauten

Posts: 3,830 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I'm redoing Sisters... Changing it into the edition I want to publish.
Do you guys think that I shold post it here?
Or wait until I finish writing this Sisters?
Or don't post it at all?

14-Sep-2006 02:28:57 - Last edited on 14-Sep-2006 02:29:17 by Anne Lauten

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