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Azigarath

Azigarath

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“...while Sukrae was over in the corner dodging the attacks of the goblins.”
How can you dodge with your back to a corner?

No details of combat, but Surkae can conveniently defeat all the goblins when he wants to.

“He fell and, cracking his head on the cave wall, slid to the ground, unresponsive.”
A level fall knocking someone out? I’ve seen people on YouTube and sometimes TV fall off buildings and smack their head into concrete and still be conscious.

Goblins and zombies jumping through walls of a cellar.

“The other zombies hadn't seen the death of their companion...”
Zombies are already dead, right? Peter Jackson’s film Braindead, said to be the goriest film ever made (which is a comedy), humorously depicts zombie’s organs and guts still alive and trying to kill people. You should watch it, I think it’s on YouTube, it’s a really funny movie.

“...dancing out of the way as a zombie clumsily swung at her.”
She is wearing armour, why would she dodge a clumsy punch from a rotten corpse?

“”Well,” Taena said, “we just killed a whole lot of dead people!””
I’m pretty sure I can figure that out on my own by now.

Page 11, post 8, fifth clause, “shakeily” should be shakily. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter, this forum is somewhat dead.

After goblins and zombies jumping through walls, a demon appears. What about the torches the two sisters had, or did I forget something?

The demon grasps Teegan, and what does it do? It roars at her. It doesn’t crack her neck or anything, preferring to take its time so that someone can kill it.

“Teegan's leg was still bleeding and they had to stop it before she bled to death.”
Not too serious, you wouldn’t really bleed to death anytime soon from a ripped muscle*

Well, maybe I should stop the feedback now, I’ll just have mostly comments now.

What’s that? Eight bios so far by page 15? That must be a record, this must have been an exciting story back then. So far I think there are five hidden posts.

27-May-2013 23:53:17 - Last edited on 27-May-2013 23:56:01 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Many compliments on this thread, and then an invitation to a guild. Popularity back then really was the only thing to have talent. I recall posting a story (it is long dead now) that was almost six hundred posts in length the same year you made this story, and no one read it XD. I believe I once had an application to TIGA, though it was denied immediately.

Honestly, I don’t find this story impressive, but if White Wolf did, then this says a lot about me. If you are an incredibly gifted author, then what takes me six years to do you can do in six days. I will have to read your other stories.

Another bio? That must have been hard to decline.

“Sukrae glanced down at his arm, “I just hope none of that is....,” Taena looked at his arm, it was turning a pale green, “... poisoned.” he finished, and, looking down at his arm, “Oh no."
Didn't he say he had anti poison earlier?

Haha, Taena dealt with the Grim Reaper appropriately.

You were publishing a book? How’d that do?

So, your heroes walk through a cellar, full of goblins, zombies and a demon, a pulley and a bucket of goo that happened to be on a shelf, and they end up in the wilderness.

Another bio and mention of a guild. This thread is like a discussion, it is almost difficult to navigate through the bumps and smileys to find the next post of the story. It was like going through time as I read through this thread, relived the attitude of that era, something that I never achieved.

Oh, you were homeschooled?

Three more bios.

Three injured people, one dies, followed by brevity about this and that.

What’s this? A reviewer who doesn’t know how to spell development on page 48?

Another reviewer on page 49, who himself makes mistakes, just like the previous one.

I believe your heroes have been walking around for the past ten posts of story.

Hey, Raschilat’s membership renewed on March 2013, that’s nice.

And a big cat attacks, dealt with darts. Oh yes, darts can kill a panther. Taena dies.

27-May-2013 23:53:46 - Last edited on 27-May-2013 23:57:02 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The third reviewer does it right.

“”My name is Traer Yanti, and I'm a wizard, more or less”

Your characters have funny names. After a month, your heroes train magic and are ready to fight the evil villain.

Two more bios on page 76? I think that is about fourteen bios so far.

Here’s a fun fact: Mr Burd, on page 76, also posted a bio for one of my stories, who is also named Jack, but is not an Elf.

You overuse grinning; I think I saw that word seven times so far.

“They had started the last leg in the morning, and had maneged to get within a good distance of Kerr's fortress before the watchers fired warning arrows.”
Couldn’t the watchers just fire arrows at your heroes instead? Managed is misspelt, too.

“Each one readied themself for the inevitable fight: Taena and Teegan loosening their daggers in their sheaths, Sukrae loosening his dual swords, and Kerr checking his wide-bladed shield-sword.”
Loosening is not the right term for unsheathing a sword, loosening is more related to bows and crossbows. There is no such thing as shield-swords, unless you meant duelling shields, which are historic bladed shields used in medieval Europe.

“Vata whipped out her dagger, and **** its throat before it could do anything.”
So, the magic wolf just stood idle and let that happen?

“They stood ten feet from each other, casting spells that should have been deadly, but which they both managed to avoid most of the time.”
Really? Ten feet away and they cannot hit one another? These are inept mages.

“Kerr lay in the dirt, the dagger sunk in his chest, exactly where it had hit him when he had stepped in front of his wife to take the blow.”
Couldn’t he just knock it down with his hand? People survived being shot by bullets, and with a ribcage in the way, a thrown dagger would not kill someone within a minute.

Vata runs away, carrying her dead husband on her shoulders, she’s pregnant, and yet your heroes can’t catch her. Slaves revolt, armed with sticks and clubs.

27-May-2013 23:54:21 - Last edited on 27-May-2013 23:58:00 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Reaching the guards, it tore into them, biting through armor and mangling flesh.”
Sharks can’t bite through cages, how can a werewolf bite through metal armour of any kind? The armoured guards are defeated nonetheless.

*The man was quite handsome”
You use “handsome” and “pretty” too often.

“You see, they wait until you're ten, and then you get to choose if you want to be werewolf or normal.”
OK. So, despite being a werewolf, Brant was defeated by a man who likes hanging cats upside down.

More guards come and die. Inept guards. Vata escapes with a few others. Teegan has a baby, and then five years pass, because nothing important happens. A bull is put to sleep by magic and the story ends on page 81.

Eighteenth bio (I think) on page 84. Yes, this is definitely a record.

Well, I skipped everything from page 90, so if there is any more story, you will have to forgive my ignorance.

All in all, a read expressing the adventure of an author’s creativity, this story is a prime example of a growing artist. I had my own flashbacks of the early days, a good chunk of nostalgia. As already mention, I did not like this story very much, with characters quite immature in behaviour, backed by arbitrary and sometimes pointless scenes, but the last quarter of the story shows many improvements.

We were all children once, so I certainly won’t complain that it’s not up to my standards, which have different focuses. What I liked is how you (Anne) take notice in the one bio out of a maximum of eighteen that you used, and co-operated with the creator a little bit. I did that too, but I never had endless pages of bumps, smileys and compliments, things I’m sure you became sick of after a while.

27-May-2013 23:54:44

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, I think that’s all I have to say for now, I hope my commentary proves to you that I read your story in full, and I also hope you can learn a little from the questions I asked, none of which you have to answer. Although this is an old story, all authors can learn much from their first steps, so be sure to never to forget your first stories, they are much more valuable than most people think.

I’ll try to read all your other stories within the next two months or so, too. Thank-you for typing Sisters, and I look forward to your next story.

27-May-2013 23:54:52

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Oh dear, I completely forgot about this story. I obviously broke my word and expecting one month to read through all your stories, I instead read no other. I will have to keep my word and focus on all stories until I have read through all of them while offering feedback.



(Upon seeing no reply to my feedback, maybe Anne didn't noticed, so I still have time to finish my promise before she gets back to me here)

06-Jan-2014 19:50:37 - Last edited on 06-Jan-2014 19:52:21 by Azigarath

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