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“The pace is a bit slow. 80 posts in and we still have hardly any idea what’s going on. As readers, we always start off in the dark, and we count on the author to gradually roll back the curtains and illuminate our knowledge of the tale. Only vampires and werewolves like the dark .”

Grr…indeed. That is part of the reason I’m having trouble continuing the story. It’s such a huge piece, and I want to remain descriptive throughout… I’m having to force myself to write a bit. Hopefully once they leave Taverly it will get better.

“Is it Sa or Za? Or are they different things?”

Nice catch. It is intentionally different.

“Your invented topography was quite disconcerting, especially the cliffs between Taverly and the Druid’s Circle. In game they’re like 15 steps away.”

I imagine in real life things would be a smidgeon further apart.

“…stark as building blocks in the afternoon's golden sunlight.”

Yeah, it’s a kind of odd simile…I’ll think about it.

“He had summoned the elemental twice on the trek over here, but had forgotten that it was a sentient spirit.”

Hehe…umm yeah. I was hoping it wouldn’t be too noticeable. Also, it gives the reader some information about the elemental; that's probably why I kept it.

~~~

Very good eye, Orb! You are one of the closest-reading reviewers from whom I’ve received a review. Thanks for pointing out the errors. I’ll go change them in the original document.

17-Jul-2008 04:48:38

24-Jul-2008 02:35:54

Silently she extracted herself from her bed and crept over to Xan’s, treading upon a floor as cold as ice, as cold as the surface of the portal.

"Extracted' is to draw or pull out, often with great force or effort: extract a wisdom tooth; used tweezers to extract the splinter. (From the dictionary) When you get out of bed, you don't use great force unless there is a resistance. I suggest using, "Silently, she slid out of her bed and crept over...etc."


It seemed impossible. Beyond impossible. And even if it were open, Krystal would be dead. Many years dead.
Correction: It seemed impossible. Beyond impossible, and even if it were open, Krystal would be dead. Many years dead.

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Description/50/: 44/50

How you described everything was just...amazing. In fact it was so good that I seriously thought I WAS the character's who were in the rom. Like in Taverly, I felt as I was the man walking down the path way. However, the amount of description is what killed you here. Most of the posts consist of more description then usual, and it directs me away from what's happening and into the description. But like I said, it was very good overall.

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Vocabulary/25/: 21/25

The problem is that you shift sentence structure. Sometimes you would stuff a bunch of things in one sentence, and then sometimes a sentence would be like a couple of words that really isn't needed. The good thing is that your word choice and usage was an A. Seriously, the way you would use similies was awesome. Genius.


Bonuses/?/: +8 for the description.


Total: 187/215, or 86.9%.


NOTES - It was overall a fantastic read, but has several things that needs improvement, such as the plot mainly. Fix these, come back for another review, and this be a Hall of Fame*.

24-Jul-2008 02:36:02 - Last edited on 24-Jul-2008 02:37:14 by [#PCMMMHAN6]

05-Aug-2008 04:16:44

05-Aug-2008 04:19:37

~ Melanie Clair's review of Entombed in Crystal, by Wet Rainbow (or Qaz, according to Para)

It's hard to write a review when one of your friends says all the things you were going to say. Not sure if you've been in that situation before, Qaz, but that's just a thought I'd like to share.

The story, as a whole, feels ethereal and somewhat isolated. It hardly deals with greater society, and barely makes references to it. This sets it apart from most stories on the RSB, putting it in a class that few stories belong to.

But is that bad? Not at all. It just makes it somewhat different.

The good side to this difference in writing is definitely expressed in the beginning. The depth and distress of the characters can be easily seen here, and their mental and emotional lethargy contributes to the moody, isolated feel of the chapter.

The bad side, however, can come in the form of a disconnection between the reader and the story. The reader can lose interest in the story if there isn't anything interesting to keep him/her interested, or if the events that take place don't seem up to scale to what happened before. In Entombed in Crystal's case, it seems that the latter has taken place here.

The mystery of the portal was dealt with a little too soon, in my opinion. It wasn't even a day before it was melted, and I think the story would've been more gripping and suspenseful if the characters' mindsets were allowed to degrade further. I know I would've liked to see that.

What follows after doesn't seem like anything spectacular in terms of the plotline. As far as I can tell, Mort is the special one whose role is instrumental in overthrowing *some* evil force. We've seen it a million times. Thankfully, your superb writing makes the plot less... stale.

I'm not sure if you're planning to get back into the suspenseful tone, Qaz. But you have a talent for writing stuff like that, and I know your story would improve if you brought that back in full. (continued)

05-Aug-2008 05:27:09

05-Aug-2008 05:34:09

05-Aug-2008 06:09:00

...we probably would've given you a Platinum rating. You were that good. But you lost it with this turn of events. It doesn't mean you can't gain it back, but it'll take a heck of a lot to get there. Start working, Terra. You've got improvement to do.

This is my final rating...

84/100

And yes! I didn't forget my signature this time. Yesssss...

/--==--\ Luke Whitman, the Neon Monofold of the TriView Vanes /--==--\

=============================================================

AVERAGE RATING: 86/100

You've earned a Silver Merit Medal!

05-Aug-2008 06:16:06

05-Aug-2008 19:37:07