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Wet Rainbow

Wet Rainbow

Posts: 786 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Alright, that's it for reserves.

Chuk, I go through this reposting process for several reasons. One is to condense the story, the other is that while I repost, I reread the story and make sure that I remember everything that has happened/is happening. While doing this I also check for errors. I could have just kept the old thread, but I'm weird in that way. :P

30-Jun-2008 21:23:07 - Last edited on 30-Jun-2008 21:24:35 by Wet Rainbow

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You asked for a Scathing review, and you got it =D

>>>Characters – 33/40

Development: 16/20
-Some, but it pales in comparison to your descriptive powers. The characters in the beginning all have nice distinct personalities, but I still can't quite manage to mourn them when they get knocked off in an anonymous manner. It's a bit too early to judge this completely, but its unimpressive so far.

Interaction: 17/20
-There’s not much to judge by. A vast portion of your story is spent describing setting, and the actions and thoughts of the characters. The interaction of Sage and his hired help was refreshing realistic, and Cadantine provides some nice humor in the dialogue later on, but the journey to Taverly left a bit to be desired.

>>>Description – 30/30

Character: 15/15

Setting: 15/15

>>>Style - 19/20
-A vague category. Your description tremendously impressed me, so you do well :D

>>>Plot - 28/35

Pace: 8/10
-The pace is a bit slow. 80 posts in and we still have hardly any idea what’s going on. As readers, we always start off in the dark, and we count on the author to gradually roll back the curtains and illuminate our knowledge of the tale. Only vampires and werewolves like the dark :)

Content: 20/25
-I’m terribly afraid that it** going to end up clichéd, but I can’t take off too many points until you wrap it up and I can see for myself. And, I can’t really give more, until you give us some idea of what on Gielenor is going on.

>>>Mechanics - 25/25

Grammar/Spelling: 10/10

Sentence Structure/Variety: 15/15

____________

Your Overall Grade: 135/150, or 90%

Congratulations! The highest grade I've ever given in my grand total of 6ish reviews :)

~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

17-Jul-2008 04:06:51 - Last edited on 17-Jul-2008 04:29:04 by Orbestro

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Notes:

Oooh, this is nice. Nearly flawless grammar, impeccable spelling; it makes a lot less work for me, and it’s a lot more fun to read! I love it =]

Is it Sa or Za? Or are they different things?

In my opinion, using language that is censored just makes the story looks messy, but if you don’t mind than I have no real complaint. Its not like I couldn’t tell what all the words were from context =P some censor!

Your invented topography was quite disconcerting, especially the cliffs between Taverly and the Druid’s Circle. In game they’re like 15 steps away.

Specific Comments:

>>Prologue-thingy

“…stark as building blocks in the afternoon's golden sunlight.”

Hmm…this simile did*’t quite work for me. But I have had very little experience with building block – are they stark?

--

“
Waterbirth Island is our destination a desolate little place…”

Insert comma between ‘destination’ and ‘a’

>>Chapter Two

“…stood at the scaffold’s center: a drage: a translucent box resembling a coffin…”

The only language that I can find in which ‘drage’ is a word is Danish – did you invent it? Also, this is an extremely long sentence; the colons help to organize it, but you might want to consider splitting in two outright.

“A growl from the east distracted Mirhanda**s attention…”

‘Growl’ is a bit of a weak word to describe thunder. Consider making it ‘deep growl’, or using another word entirely. You use it again later on in that paragraph.

--

On the next page: “Within the recess, the man stood slowly then swept out through the curtain of rain to investigate.”

Standing is a terrible verb to use when depicting motion, albeit slowly. Some rewording is in order.

>>Chapter Three

Page five: “It seemed only seconds before they reached level ground and the forest they had switchbacked down through receded into grassy fields.”

‘Switchbacked’ needs a hyphen, and the end of the sentence doesn’t quite make sense.

~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

17-Jul-2008 04:07:53

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
>>Chapter Four

The description of Taverly was freaking BRILLIANT. It was a while after I read the description that I remembered Taverly doesn’t look like that anymore – a description so vivid I forgot for a moment the ‘reality’ of the game O_o

“He had summoned the elemental twice on the trek over here, but had forgotten that it was a sentient spirit.”

Woops -.- that’s a very poor excuse. It makes him sound like quite an idiot. It** a nice way to get out of a plot jam for you (how did she know?), but its weak.

_____________

I'll admit, reading this quality of writing intimidated me a bit as a reviewer, but I do hope that my thoughts and opinions have helped ^_^

And here's the end of it! This is a fabulous piece.

~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

17-Jul-2008 04:08:41 - Last edited on 17-Jul-2008 04:09:07 by Orbestro

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