forums.rs

Forums

~The Guild of Unique Authors~

Quick find code: 49-50-934-58840346

of 38
Borna Coric

Borna Coric

Posts: 3,785 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I feel that that will be better than the current state. Maybe remake it and supply a list of the previous members?
Also, do you know if my entry to the guild still exists anywhere? I have lost it, and can't find it on this anywhere.

23-Jun-2011 13:32:34

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yeah, like TIGA where you keep the original members on a separate list. But reviving is no small task. Since most of my ideas are stolen by Cosmic ... no, not really :P . I have exerted too much of my creative juice on invented infrastructure for the Novelist Guild, and thus reusing them here would seem like a rip off.
As for your entry, it no longer exists on your forums. But inside my personal archives I have both your entry and your review.

23-Jun-2011 13:37:05

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Lebraun7 - 04-Jan-2009
Recipe for Disaster

The Lumbridge Chef tilted his head at an unordinary angle, examining his beef dish carefully.
“Needs something green…”
The chef uprooted a luscious sage plant that sat in a flowerbox on the windowsill, before washing it in his sink and placing a few leaves on the side of the pristine plate.
“Needs something…colourful…”
Opening his larder, the cook withdrew some bright pink flowers and sprinkled them around the plate. The colours of brown, green and pink dominated the surface.
“Oh, and some mushrooms to taste!”
With a gleeful smile, the Lumbridge Chef took some mushrooms from his open larder and placed them in strategic positions around the plate, as well as in the beef sauce.
“Waiter!” the chef called as he “dinged” his kitchen bell and watched as an exorbitantly posh waiter took the dish into the dining room.
***
“Roald, if you would please sign here…excellent. The Gielinor Peace Treaty is a go! We will now have dinner.”
The Duke of Lumbridge clapped his gloved hands and waiters burst out of various doors, armed with different delicacies. They almost seemed to glide as they majestically strode across the dining room floor. The cobwebs that once adorned the room had been removed specially for the occasion, and the grey stone walls polished to perfection…
…even the rats decided to let the meeting unfold without disturbance.
The plain white table suddenly exploded with foods of all sorts. “Oohs” and “Aah(c)s” resounded around the medium-sized room, clear signs that the quests were impressed. Then, after they all bowed at the same time, the waiters left the room.
“Let this lavish feast begin!” the Duke called. The guests wasted no time.
Munching noises dampened all other sounds in the room. It was almost as if a hoard of locusts had been let loose on a farm if corn. It sure didn't take long until all the food had been scoffed down, leaving clean plates in front of all the figures.

23-Jun-2011 13:37:18

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"That stuffed worm was delectably delicious.
Send my compliments to the chef, Duke,” King Narnode Shareen said, and the Duke of Lumbridge nodded…or did he?
The Duke’s head started to sway back and forth. His eyes had rolled into the back of his head, revealing large white balls of glop. His shoulders slumped across the back of his chair, the muscles exhausted.
A gasp arose from his audience as his face slowly lay down on his clean plate, and he breathed out…never to breathe in again…
***
It wasn’t long until interrogation started in the castle. A professional detective was hired to find the cause of the Duke’s death, but there were no leads.

The Varrock Newspaper read:
~Death of a Duke~
Yesterday evening, the Duke of Lumbridge suffered a sudden death during the Wintumber Gielinor Peace Treaty meeting, at his castle in Lumbridge. Further investigations are being made, but so far, no cause of death is apparent. Sigmund, a loyal employee to the Duke and the castle, said this:
“It is a horrible shame that the Duke has left us, but no doubt those stinkin’ cave goblins were behind it. I say we declare war on them; they are a filthy bunch of murderers.”
King Roald, the executive head of the treaty, says that he will finish the treaty and keep war from breaking out.
Ireport, Stuff ‘n’ Articles. Varrock Newspaper.

***
The Lumbridge Chef sat woefully outside the detective’s office. Without a figure of authority, the cook was sure to lose his job. White tiles stretched the entire length of the hallway, while light blue paint covered the wooden walls.
Pungent oil lanterns had been set into holes on the two walls, awaiting a flame to ignite them. The occasional voice was heard from the office, but otherwise, the entire facility was silent.
The chef shifted uncomfortably in his seat as the door swung open and the maid stepped out.
“Next,” the ambiguous detective called, directing the word at the cook.

23-Jun-2011 13:37:33

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
With a heavy sigh, the Lumbridge Chef picked himself out of his seat and trudged towards the thick door.
Then, as the man entered the office, the door slammed shut behind him. The malevolent detective was even scarier than the cook first thought.
His tight overalls barely reached his shoulders, before come back down to greet the other side of the deep blue fabric. Buttons that looked as though they were about to burst attached the strap to the front side of the garment.
The detective’s teeth overlapped his bottom lip, taking on the appearance of a bunny’s jaws. His close-cropped black hair was streaked with red tendrils; a malicious feature that was not to be tampered with.
The chef’s facial features turned to disbelief, and he shook his head as he said “Evil Dave? You’re the detective?”
Evil Dave sighed. “That’s the SAME answer I’ve…anyway, let’s get to the POINT of this MEETING. I am HERE to interrogate you about the TOTALLY EVIL DEATH of the DUKE of LUMBRIDGE. WHAT was it that you FED the DUKE at the treaty MEETING?”
“A beef dish with sage, mushrooms and fresh spring flowers.”
“Interesting. Call in the REST of the SUSPECTS!”
The cook raised an eyebrow, but did as he was told and gathered the other suspects, bringing them back to the interrogation office.
Evil Dave paced the room as the suspects lined up against the back wall.
“Who poisoned the cook’s DISH of BEEF, sage, mushrooms and FRESH spring FLOWERS?”
The cook relaxed as he realised that Dave had dismissed him as being a suspect. That was until a huge gasp ran through the line of suspects. The maid rushed towards Evil Dave, whispering something in his pointed ear.
“WHAT? The Duke is ALLERGIC to MUSHROOMS?” Evil Dave said out loud, staring at the maid and the cook in turn.
The maid nodded quickly.

23-Jun-2011 13:37:46

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The cook’s head started to sway back and forth. His eyes had rolled into the back of his head, revealing large white balls of glop. His shoulders slumped onto the back wall, the muscles exhausted.
A further gasp arose from the line of suspects, and the Chef of Lumbridge fell onto the floor.
The amazed employees gathered around the cook as he breathed out…never to breathe in again…

---
End of excerpt.

23-Jun-2011 13:37:58 - Last edited on 23-Jun-2011 13:38:17 by Englishkid62

Borna Coric

Borna Coric

Posts: 3,785 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You are amazing, English; thank you.
I think a remake would be worthwhile, even though there is a lot of work. As to ideas, I'm sure we could put our heads together to come up with a few. ;)
EDIT: Could you please post the review as well? I want to fix it up and that seems like the best way.

23-Jun-2011 13:39:22 - Last edited on 23-Jun-2011 13:40:15 by Borna Coric

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Englishkid62 - 04-Jan-2009
Leb, here’s your feedback. Gosh, two reviews in a day… I’m crazy.
I believe that I have seen some mystery tales around the forum somewhere, but not very often. You didn't really need to emphasize your uniqueness in the essay :p, just the writing itself. I can assure you that you aren’t the only author who had fondness for ellipsis, because I used to be one – but then I became converted into a dash maniac. Over all it has proved quite an interesting read, if I do say so myself, and I enjoyed reading it. I will now grade you in the following 5 categories from my mark scheme in the first page: Character, Description, Plot, Spelling and Grammar, and Vocabulary.
You had a lot of characters for a work this short. Too many to count. I suppose this was because this story is on a rather grand scale, which isn’t exactly a bad thing. Gosh, I think the characters overall were very well described. You gave the Chef a nice, rounded personality, and you matched these characters to the RuneScape story line very well. I quite enjoyed how you characterized the waiters as military units, I think that was pretty inventive.
Particularly, the details you gave Evil Dave were fantastic. The bunny face made me laugh. Although, my only complaint would be that we didn't know as much about the chef’s personality as we needed – since this story is pretty much from his point of view, I think we need to know about the chef, personally, a little bit more. You could perhaps describe certain traits of the chef (By Lumbridge chef you assumed everybody know what he looks like). In your essay, it is clear that your moral fits in with the behaviour of the cook, yet we didn't see much of this inner-argument, about whether he should add more, or leave the dish as it is.

23-Jun-2011 13:41:45

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
THAT is what distinguishes an E grade from a G grade, the fact that you show each character has a unique thinking process, and a unique being, that they can associate past experiences and that at each point of the story, you can justify their actions and feelings by asking yourself: why?
But then, yes, you did have a lot of characters to describe there, and it can’t be helped, although the maid could be better described though, since she is kinda important.
Grade: G
I don’t find the descriptions a big issue. I am able to visualize most things and as I said before, I liked the association between waiters and soldiers going into battle, although I would prefer a little more emphasis on this theme. And as I said before, most characters are well described, with some lacking slightly. If you don’t have enough space, you could always use simile and metaphor describing a person, and that would do for minor characters. The description about what happened in the dinning room (munching noises ... yes, I kind of half expected that) is accurate but it could be more interesting.
Some descriptions, however, were vague. “The guest wasted no time” is one example of this. This made sense if you read straight on to the next paragraph, but it doesn’t if you look at that line on its own. Perhaps it’s just a formatting issue.
Some descriptions were clumsy sounding: “leaving clean plates in front of all the figures.” The words here could be reduced. Instead of saying figures, you could also apply simile and metaphor too – I know you’ve used locusts, but that is sort of an expected description.
Some descriptions didn't flow. When you mentioned ‘white tiles stretched…’ all that sentence, it seemed that it should belong in the next paragraph. This part didn't flow because I feel that you sort of added the description there without carefully thinking through your options.
However, I do like the alliteration of ‘Delectably delicious.' That really stood out, so well done!
Grade: G

23-Jun-2011 13:42:32

Quick find code: 49-50-934-58840346 Back to Top