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Fall of Saturn

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Tom the Free

Tom the Free

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Hey. I'm finally back on the computer, my basement flooded, and I've spent the last week sopping it up with a carpet cleaner. In any case, I read your prologue.. where's the rest? I skipped a few pages... it being 4:45 am and me being tiried.

I'll do your actual review based on what I've seen tomorrow, right now I'd give you a perfect score, and the fact that you included a "Good classic rock station" didn't hurt you :P

^^ My favorite music.


Edit: Found it, hehe... third page. I'll have to read it tomorrow anyway.. 5 am.

02-Jul-2007 10:43:45 - Last edited on 02-Jul-2007 10:46:16 by Tom the Free

[#Z4I81DBPJ]

[#Z4I81DBPJ]

Posts: 2,173 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“What the hell is that thing?” a Guardsman suddenly yelled, pointing to the sky.
Tyler turned around just in time to see it before the creature knocked him over as it landed. It was a fully grown green dragon, with sparkling green scales, a ferocious reptilian head, and large, bat-like wings. With a sweep of its tail, it send half a dozen soldiers flying before turning back to Tyler, who was lying on his back in terror. It brought its giant head inches from Tyler’s chest and sniffed deeply, inhaling Tyler’s fear. It seemed to decide he was a worthy meal, as it snarled, shooting smoke from between its teeth.
Suddenly a car came out of nowhere and crashed headfirst into the dragon’s flank, sending it staggering. Tyler looked up and saw Josh getting out of the car with a small handgun, shooting at the dragon. Caroline had regained her rifle and was shooting rapidly at the dragon from the other side. The monster had regained its composure and turned to spew flames towards Josh, who dove out of the way as the fireball scorched his vehicle. If it had run on gasoline, it would have exploded, but instead many of the plastics had melted.
“My car!” Josh yelled, shooting at the dragon again.
Tyler meanwhile scrambled toward the creature as it focused its attention on Josh. Pulling out two shrapnel sticks, he stabbed one into two of the creatures massive legs. Although the dragon barely noticed those two pinpricks, the following explosions knocked the monster off its feet. Tyler took his final CFD-39 and shoved it deep into the creature’s soft underbelly. The dragon spasmed with the explosion and lay still.

03-Jul-2007 04:52:55

[#Z4I81DBPJ]

[#Z4I81DBPJ]

Posts: 2,173 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Josh!* Tyler called out, jogging towards his old friend. “Good thing you came, man, how you been?”
“I still got your back, Tyler,” said Josh as they hugged briefly.
“Sorry to break this up,* said the secretary who had popped up once again. “But are you the programmer from Tennessee? Please follow me, we need you right away.”
Josh and Tyler said their goodbyes and Josh followed the secretary into the building and to a small room full of computers where a top general was standing.
“You’re Josh?” he asked.
“Yes sir.”
“Well, Josh, I’m going to get straight to the point. We’re positive that the source of these attackers is the game called RuneSpace. We contacted the people who make the game and they shut it down, but that still hasn’t closed the portal. Apparently the virtual world is now solid enough to exist without computers. So we need you to create a program to close that portal. Everyone we talked to has no idea where to begin, but from what I hear, you’re the best. So get on these computers and close that hole!”
CONTINUED ON PAGE 26

03-Jul-2007 04:53:12 - Last edited on 21-Nov-2007 22:54:30 by [#Z4I81DBPJ]

[#WPO3NUGNZ]

[#WPO3NUGNZ]

Posts: 6,979 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hi, Dellanding.
I'm now reading/reviewing your story, but I noticed that this is the end of a series. I trust that when you said that newcomers shouldn't have problems, you meant that we didn't need to read the others, so I'm not worried about it.
If I'm wrong in assuming this, please tell me soon, so that I know how to write the review correctly.
Thanks,
Dav

03-Jul-2007 20:40:52

[#WPO3NUGNZ]

[#WPO3NUGNZ]

Posts: 6,979 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Review of: “Fall of Saturn” by Dellanding
~+~ Mechanics: 50/50 ~+~
The mechanics of this story were a hair’s breadth away from being perfect. I found only one error in the entire thing, and it was a small one at that. You did an excellent job writing this story carefully: it flows very well and reading it was easy and enjoyable. As I said, here is the single error that you made:
~Page 1, post 3*
It’s something top secret, they haven’t even told me what it is, though I’ve been receiving cryptic messages telling me to prepare the troops for deployment.
There should be a period and a capital letter or a semi-colon after ‘secret’ as this is a run-on sentence.
This type of error is common, and it isn’t anything that you need to worry about. Absolute perfection is impossible, but this is as close as anyone could ever get. Good job!
~+~ Plot: 65/75 *+*
It is evident that you did a lot of building before you wrote this story, and you have set it up to be a smash-hit finish of a great series. I am sure that the prequels to this story were written just as well, aside from any improving that you’ve done.
You have begun this story nicely; I like the opening battle scene a lot! I also like Josh’s opening and the part about the hacker is amusing and adds a bit of humor. The transcripts of the UN meetings were a very good way to give key background information about the story. Everything is done very well.
The only problem, I think, is how common virtual reality is in stories. It seems kind of cliché, and is also slightly unrealistic for Runescape. It may be that other stories have copied you, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is kind of a common subject.

05-Jul-2007 23:55:22

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