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Crusaders of Zaros

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Joebobjoe6

Joebobjoe6

Posts: 1,603 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
>>>PART 2 - Crusaders of Truth - STARTS ON PAGE 7!!!!<<<
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01-Dec-2009 04:51:39 - Last edited on 20-Apr-2010 03:15:47 by Joebobjoe6

Joebobjoe6

Joebobjoe6

Posts: 1,603 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Now Finished Upadting It, First 12 1/2 chapters are up, please tell me about any errors.
And tell me what you think! =)
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01-Dec-2009 05:40:58 - Last edited on 18-Apr-2010 23:36:22 by Joebobjoe6

Joebobjoe6

Joebobjoe6

Posts: 1,603 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
_„‹«-•¤^*ªº“°' -†- '°”ºª*^¤•-»›„_
¸,.-¬*\±/ *¬-./ ___ \.-¬*\±/ *¬-.,¸
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-•=»‡«=•-/Tëm¶lär \-•=»‡«=•-
.\±‡±/ˆ¨¯/________ \¯¨ˆ\±‡±/.

01-Dec-2009 06:41:06 - Last edited on 18-Apr-2010 23:36:37 by Joebobjoe6

aBugfromMars

aBugfromMars

Posts: 4,570 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Bookmarked/profiled.
You seem to be repeating the mistakes from your last story.
Here, take your dialogue for example:
================================================
Martin was feeling good, apparently whatever he found, it was important, he started to talk “I found this in the North-Eastern patch, I was just di-“
The captain cut him off “Excellent work… I… Uh… go see the payroll clerk, tell her to pay you your wage, and that I sent you, your done here…”
================================================

Here's what that should've looked like:
Martin was feeling good; apparently whatever he'd found was important. He started speaking, "I found this in the Northeastern patch. I was jus di-"
The captain cut him off, "Excellent work!...I...Uh...Look, go see the payroll clerk. Tell her to pay your wage and that I sent you. You're done here...," he said.
See?

Good, well-developed plot, though. Keep in mind that plot doesn't always make a perfect story, though.

01-Dec-2009 23:49:54

Joebobjoe6

Joebobjoe6

Posts: 1,603 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you Nighmare!
I will go through and fix this, as soon as I have time, and seeing some of your other reviews, I feel lucky =P jk
I will work on grammar and other things, this is a constant work in progress, not only to add new chapters, but to fix errors.
Thanks again for your info about the Staff of Armadril, i fixed that as you can see, you support/advice means alot!=)

02-Dec-2009 01:07:22

aBugfromMars

aBugfromMars

Posts: 4,570 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
It may seem like a pain, and don't deny it, but I want to see you--and other writers like you-- have a good RS writing career. And that starts with grmamar. Plots are the backbone of a story, yes, but grammar is the rest of the skeleton :P .
Anyway,
Good luck and bump!

02-Dec-2009 22:47:16

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,888 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I'm afraid I have some bad news: Your story is technically wrong.
Zaros did actually put up a fight, as one can see on the Rune Wiki or in the Ghostly Robes miniquest. The betrayers kept Zaros's many bodyguards from intervening while Zaros and Zamorak fought it out. Zamorak won, and managed to impale Zaros with the staff. Zamorak tripped, though, and he, too, was impaled. Zaros's power passed through to Zamorak, and Zaros faded.
However, besides the canonocity problems, cool story! One extra bit of feedback: Grammar really does help make a story more professional. Just saying. If English is not your first language, it's fine, but just do your best.
EDIT: /\ Ah, I see I have been partially ninja'd. Curse these ninjas, vikings are better.

05-Dec-2009 00:45:35 - Last edited on 05-Dec-2009 00:50:04 by YuBiusk Ink

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