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+++ A Warrior's Ascension +++

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Sir Azrien

Sir Azrien

Posts: 335 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Time taken to review: 12 hours, 37 minutes, 5 seconds

Plot: 20/20
Organization: 14/20
Grammar (Spelling, punctuation, grammar): 15/20
Word Choice: 20/20
Flow of Story: 20/20
Total: 89/100

Comments: The plot is wonderfully unique with a touch of gore. You lack a table of contents which makes it difficult for people to come back and read later entries. Your grammar is pretty much flawless except for the way you set up your dialogue which will be listed below. Your word choice is perfect and the flow of the story isn't too fast or to slow. This is a fantastic story and I can't wait to see what comes next.

Mistakes: You lack a table of contents. You set your dialogue up like this:

"Come this way." He said.

When it should be:

"Come this way," he said.

The period becomes a comma and he is un capitalized.


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15-Aug-2007 02:06:15 - Last edited on 15-Aug-2007 17:27:12 by Sir Azrien

[#CHDFOMJYA]

[#CHDFOMJYA]

Posts: 6,820 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Returning Home



At the sight of the seven foot giant, clad in huge, 7-inch-thick armour, the guards nearly collapsed. When he came along the road to their position, they did none of the usual checks for identity, instead letting the huge man pass. None of them wanted to get on the wrong side of this man, and they looked in horror and all of the pockmarks and damaged parts on his armour, and even more so at the claw marks scratched across the breastplate. If the man could survive attacks like that, their halberds and shortswords would be useless.

He gave them a sideways glance, and appeared to be friendly, although all they could see was the top of his head and his eyes, due to the high gorget.

He stepped into the street and eyes followed him in fearful awe. Clearly, they had rarely seen one of the King’s finest, and although he knew he was no match for the strength of a Doom Bringer, they clearly thought he was one. His poise was tall and proud as he walked the streets of his childhood again, and he realized that he had lived in what was still the rich district, despite his family being not too rich himself.

He felt a pang of sadness as he took in the completely different streets. It looked nothing like it did when he was a child, and no wonder.

All of his family were now dead, and Miranda would have long been gone too. He wondered for a moment what her life had been like. Had she gone on to marry another man and still had descendants to this date, or was she claimed by the great plague which arrived shortly after he left?

He supposed he would never know.

Jarvel stopped at the gates of a huge wall. The road had led into one of the few areas in the poor district still patrolled by guards: The Manufacturing Sector. The only reason it was here and not among the rich was the fumes, and the workers who kept the great machines running.

15-Aug-2007 15:30:22 - Last edited on 02-Sep-2007 11:52:48 by [#CHDFOMJYA]

[#CHDFOMJYA]

[#CHDFOMJYA]

Posts: 6,820 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The guards again nearly fell over themselves in order to pull the gate open to allow him passage. He suddenly felt very alone in the world as the men backed off and didn’t come within striking distance. He knew the guard’s behaviour was irrational – He would never strike an innocent man without due cause. He continued through the gate into the square.

He gasped as he saw things from his childhood; finally, the buildings were similar to what they had been.

The temples were to the north, but so this was south of his old home, but he remembered it as his old haunt. The fountain had been replaced with a marvelous structure, and the entire area had been renovated. He could still see Zaff’s staffs, and Thesselia’s clothes shop. Horvick’s armoury still stood too. He was amazed.

Clearly these ancient buildings had kept their old carvings, and thus the shops still bore the old owner’s names, and this brought back memories. The place looked similar to what it once did. He stepped over the bridge of the fountain, and the crowds of nobles seemed less willing to back away from him, but they still edged away. Upon approaching the palace gates, a guard finally stopped him.

“What business have you in Varrock Palace?”

Jarvel looked down at him. He was wearing a small round helmet and a rusted breastplate, and held a small sword.

“I desire to see the King.”

The guard almost choked with laughter.

“Have you been living under a rock, sir?” he chortled.

Jarvel’s voice held no mirth.

“No. In that case, I desire to see the Queen.”

The guard laughed on. Jarvel was getting annoyed.

“Are you some kind of fool?”

Jarvel snarled, and lifted the small man clean off the floor.

“Are you some kind of fool, to anger a Knight of the Burning Star?”

The guard’s eyes widened, and Jarvel dropped him. A crowd was gathering.

The guard spoke again.

17-Aug-2007 21:42:11 - Last edited on 02-Sep-2007 11:53:10 by [#CHDFOMJYA]

[#CHDFOMJYA]

[#CHDFOMJYA]

Posts: 6,820 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The guard spoke again.

“Sir, we’re run by a council now! Sorry, sir, I did not know a Knight of the Frontier Wars would return alone! I did not know who you were!”

Jarvel looked angrily at the crowds.

“Just let me in the palace.”




A Meeting with the Council


The council of elders consisted of a leader, and five members. Each was a grizzled old man, and each looked very set in their ways. This was going to be difficult, but then Jarvel reminded himself that he himself was older than all of their ages combined.

“Members of the Council, I return from the frontier wars with grave news!”

The councilmen watched him with interest.

“I am a Knight of the Burning Star, and I come to you as an equal! You have experience in court, and I in battle!”

The council nodded, but did not seem to accept this fully. One spoke up.

“Why should we listen to the tales of a mere Captain? Why should we listen to a mere young one? We are the elders!”

This did not please Jarvel.

“I am far older than any of you. I am blessed with Saradomin’s light, that I may not age in body, but become wiser in mind. I have been fighting for two hundred years, and I have been slaying foes in battle before your granparents were born, elders.” he added a certain malice to the last word.

The council seemed to grudgingly accept this, but showed no signs of increased respect.

“I bring news of an attack which would bring Varrock to its knees! Great beasts of Abyss intend to raze Varrock to the ground, I fear. It has happened before, and will happen again if we cannot stop Zemouregal!”

The council clearly knew of this name.

“You say that the master of death returns? That he will bring great and mighty Arrav as his greatest champion?”

“Yes, wise one, and he has also acquired the aid of daemonic allies, who would also seek to destroy Varrock and its people.”

The council scoffed at this.

17-Aug-2007 23:33:38 - Last edited on 02-Sep-2007 12:04:52 by [#CHDFOMJYA]

[#CHDFOMJYA]

[#CHDFOMJYA]

Posts: 6,820 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“We all know from the tales of legend that the dark Lords are too proud to ask for help from each other. How could you know this?”

Jarvel didn’t like the idea of telling the elders that he had visited a daemonic realm – It was not something that would appeal to them, he feared. He cursed under his breath.

“I have discovered it from my daemonic enemies during my time fighting them, Lords.”

This didn’t seem good enough for the council. The others spoke up, and Jarvel knew he had said the wrong thing.

“You consorted with the Dark Powers?”

He was surprised at this response, but something deep within his soul had told him it would come. Clearly, the fools did not want to know about what could destroy their safe little world.

“No, Lords, you misunderstand.”

“We understand enough, Captain Jarvel. We understand that this meeting can continue no longer at this time. We must confer, and we will give our decision on what to do about this threat tomorrow. We will arrange chambers for you. Go to them, and sleep, for you look tired and much-traveled. We will speak to you in the morning.”

Jarvel was angry, but again, something told him this would happen.

After a while, a room was sorted for him, and it felt good to take off his armour. He realized he had been wearing it for at least a month now, and the purifying scents designed for just that reason were wearing thin. He bathed quickly, and enjoyed the warm water before it could cool. He hadn’t slept in a real bed for a long time: The boat to the Void Knight’s outpost had beds of straw and wood, and they were nothing compared to the wonderful sheets and feather pillow which awaited him now. He dressed, and soon he slept.

18-Aug-2007 12:52:28 - Last edited on 02-Sep-2007 11:55:39 by [#CHDFOMJYA]

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