Forums

Hey there, Chuk! Big thank you for your time and patience to read this rewrite, and wow, thanks for commenting on it, it really means a lot.
I suppose because we are both sort of reviewers, maybe we can discuss the points you raised?
So I finally read this revised edition for you, English. Here are my thoughts:
First number is indicative of story post number, second is paragraph in that post, third is sentence in that paragraph.
1:3:4 - Tense mix-up
"It was as if my heart was burning in hell’s fury, incinerated, fell into pieces, and rained down before my eyes."
--What exactly is the issue here? The fact there is past progressive followed by a complete action? I imagined it to be burning, and *then* incinerated, and all the rest...
1:3:5 - Run-on
"Then when it cooled, when I finally accepted this was the reality and thus the undisputable truth, there was a rising bitterness, heightened by the sourness felt when paying somebody twice the price for nothing at all, it was almost acidic, a feeling that could never be fully described, and the chilled, sorry sensation that haunted me for days to come could not be expressed."
--This really can't be split into two sentences without costing the flow and the fragmentation of idea, and the majority is non-restrictive clauses. That is possibly debatable
2:1:2 - I remember discussing this one. It still feels awkward to me, even if it might be correct.
"All these beautiful skills have earned no more respect, or admiration, than those who played RuneScape for barely two minutes, those screaming individuals causing trouble and disrupting the Lumbridge castle, begging for free items who, when refused, shout long, censored phrases."
--Arcot has kindly looked over it for me and made sure the current version is what I intended.

15-May-2010 16:27:34 - Last edited on 15-May-2010 22:31:48 by Englishkid62

2:1:3 - Confusing. I would suggest relocating "in vain".
"I looked at the screen again, trying to derive from it some form of hope, in vain, but not giving up, still trying to impress him with skills I could only have hoped to be mine."
--In vain here is placed to give emphasis otherwise I thought not possible in other parts of the sentence. Any suggestions?
2:1:4 - Colon, not comma by 'skill'. No punctuation would also work, I believe.
"Something caught my eyes and I stared blankly at the skill, 99 farming."
--I didn't want to use a comma here because the clause preceding it was not a complete sentence. No punctuation would not give the pause I intended (like an added mystery of suspense). And how exactly is a comma here grammatically wrong?
2:1:6 - When starting a sentence with a number, spell out the number no matter how large.
"99 farming."
--I cannot find this rule anywhere in all my grammar books...
2:2:last - colon again
"This has been his message, 99 farming."
--Same here, comma gives the pause and emphasis it needed, I think.
3:1:last - "David WAS saying"
"But the way the events turned out, and the things David were saying now, were completely wrong."
--Yup, I made a mistake of thinking to agree with the noun 'things' before David.
3:2:last - had, not has. 'Was' puts it in past tense, 'has' isn't any form of preterite.
"It was as if the love of God has turned its back on mankind forever."
--Has in this case is used as Present perfect tense, meaning it still relates to the present time. However, I think pluperfect (as you suggested) may suit the post-modernist twist.
4:1:2 - Tense confusion. Came vs. play
"I guess it was just one of those browser games you came across on the internet, and simply play without a particular cause, or motive, or any idea what you were hoping to accomplish by committing yourself to it."
--I agree with this. Indefensible

15-May-2010 16:27:53

4:1:4 - minor comma confusion
"To spend a few hours perhaps, killing goblins, and derive from it a sense of purpose and achievement."
--Okay, maybe there is a missing word? I'll think on this.
5:1:1 - Tense confusing- plagued vs plaguing
"Unlike the dry, A-Level coursework now plagued my timetable, RuneScape provided an ethereal, fantasy world in which no one would ever tell me what to do."
--Umm...why exactly should it be plaguing? Maybe the 'now' suggested a progressive verb?
5:2:? - Detention in college?
"Sometimes he threw me strange looks in lessons, and I pretended I did not see, because he was trying to get me to burst out laughing, which would no doubt result in an instant detention."
--Depending on where you come from, you may get a detention for bad behaviour in college.
Feel free to answer as you please
these types of errors are too common to just be freak accidents.
---
Probably because English is a language very difficult to excel. And it's my second language
Simply sticking with present or preterit is often much easier and effective than trying to mess with present progressive, past progressive, etc, etc.
---
Oh, we aren't even talking about Present Perfect, Past Perfect, Present Perfect Continuous, Past Perfect Continuous?
The other major thing I noticed is that you have several really, really long sentences containing only commas for punctuation.
---
Ah, due to the influence of Ian McEwan (A British literary giant, btw), I decided to rewrite my story in the style of the cloying prose at the start of the novel Atonement, which comprises of long sentences that require slow reading and analysis, and yes, I think that personality suited the narrator for at least the earlier part of the story. You'll see sentences get shorter as you progress. Using only commas however, aren't boring at all

15-May-2010 16:28:11 - Last edited on 15-May-2010 16:40:07 by Englishkid62

In the most extreme cases, I think you had at least five or six and that just starts getting confusing.
---
Oh, Ian McEwan does that. In that sense I succeeded
If I were reviewing you again, grammar would be the only place of significant markdown.
---
Hopefully not more significant than last time?

In other news, for those who care:
I have finished writing Chapter 3 of my new story, Brotherly Love, and am absolutely disgusted with what I've written and am on the verge of giving up the whole process and indeed, writing anything for a while. That is how bad it is!

15-May-2010 16:41:24

15-May-2010 22:21:39

Elvl0 - (is that what you liked to be called? ) No, I haven't posted it. I tend to write behind closed doors, and tend not to post anything if I think it's not worth my reader's time
Elly - you don't even know how bad my writing is. I just completely failed in my attempt at chapter 3 and maybe it's time to take a break.
Also...are you implying I did *not* listen to some of Chuk's suggestions?

15-May-2010 22:31:05 - Last edited on 15-May-2010 22:32:09 by Englishkid62

Thank God you're my mentor, English.
This is absolutely sublime; perfectly written. I've never before posted my feedback on here before, but I feel I should. Dare I say it, this work is easily the magnum opus of the forum as a whole.

16-May-2010 22:13:06

Lolo? That's 'Bro' in Cantonese. Or at least, a family friend called her brother that It's an informal word choice.
In that case I'll just meditate on what to call you...
And Croce, I'm glad you had time to drop by! Posts and comments here on this story really do make me feel my existence is worthwhile.
At least you read it and isn't repulsed by the content

16-May-2010 23:59:58