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Calexx
Sep Member 2022

Calexx

Posts: 1,502 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well well English. I'm impressed by this story. As basic as it is, it is touching! By far the best story I have read on the RuneScape 'Stories' forum.

The words tell absolute truth of our real lives. I love how you were able to intertwine real life with the game, in a way that makes readers think, "Wow, does RuneScape have that big of an impact on mine, and others lives."

I am fairly new to this section of the forums, and intend on posting some stories of my own. I have posted on many other off-line sites, and look forward to feedback on this site.

Also, I enjoyed reading this because of the way you write. Your style reminds me of my own, and I find I can relate to you in this way. The story really touches and inspires!

Thanks you for writing this!
^_^

14-May-2010 05:13:38

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hello there!
I'm glad you liked the story, and I'd like to thank you for reading. Of course there's nothing worse than having someone saying that it's been a complete waste of time :P
I thnk that storytelling has a lot to do with human nature and in this story's case, I try to make it more real by incorporating real life individuals - after all, every player, and every poster in this forum (at least supposedly) is a real living person in the world and sometimes people don't respect that.
And yes, I admit RuneScape has had a huge impact on my life :P To some it's just a game (like the narrator), but can we respect those who treated this more than just a game? And of course, Alex isn't just any no-lifer ;)
I suppose the story tells a truth of a kind, yes. Depending on the reader's perspective, it may be the sort of truth they don't want to know! Suppose you, or anyone were in David's position, in that final scene, having discovered you have this stalker guy playing this game, wouldn't that cast David's decisions in a new light? :P
Of course, each person ultimately is only knowable to him/herself. We have no idea what it meant truly to be Alex or David here. Without judging, I was only trying to capture the impression.
Fairly new? I can't recall seeing you before so you must be NEW NEW NEW! :D Either case, I look forward to reading your stories in here.
The feedbacks on this site can seem intimidating and intense comparing to other writing communities out there. Just keep an open mind about that.
I never expected a reader to relate to my style lol. If so, which style? The beginning (narrator starting out) or the middle where I started to talk about Alex's past? I intended to mix my two styles in this one ^_^
Thanks you for writing this!
---
Don't worry, despite the horrible ending, it has been an absolute pleasure :D
Thank you for posting and letting me know you have read this :)

14-May-2010 16:42:00 - Last edited on 07-Aug-2010 17:02:45 by Englishkid62

Calexx
Sep Member 2022

Calexx

Posts: 1,502 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Definitely an eye-opener to what sits behind the screen of every player you meet. You never can really know a persons story because only they can know for themselves. They might share a little, but to them you can never truly relate. It changes with every person.

I understand that the comments will either be inconclusive, made by those with little experience, or lack thereof respect, or from those who understand writing and the elements of sculpting a story through words.

As for styles, I can't quite find a way exactly to explain. Just your attention to detail, and the way you describe all the minutiae, reminds me of my own writing. Also, seeing these comparisons has let me see what I can work on in my own writing, as well as seeing this in others (not in anyway negative; only constructive).

14-May-2010 18:14:59

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yeah, that's why fiction still remains to be the best medium for one to relate to another mind (though you may disagree!).
By intensive feedback here, I meant that this forum takes feedback to the direction of copy-editing, but maybe not story elements itself, which is what makes us here more 'picky' to other communities, I think. Of course, I've only been to a few other writing communities so I can't say for sure.
Hehe, I do try (particularly in this piece) not to put in too much detail, but maybe enough just to get readers thinking about it. Still, we are all writers trying to improve (hopefully) and so I always welcome constructive criticism.
It may sound a bit vain to say, but I am quite proud of how the story is crafted overall :P

14-May-2010 23:32:00

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
So I finally read this revised edition for you, English. Here are my thoughts:
First number is indicative of story post number, second is paragraph in that post, third is sentence in that paragraph.
1:3:4 - Tense mix-up
1:3:5 - Run-on
2:1:2 - I remember discussing this one. It still feels
awkward to me, even if it might be correct.
2:1:3 - Confusing. I would suggest relocating "in vain".
2:1:4 - Colon, not comma by 'skill'. No punctuation would also work, I believe.
2:1:6 - When starting a sentence with a number, spell out the number no matter how large.
2:2:last - colon again
3:1:last - "David WAS saying"
3:2:last - had, not has. 'Was' puts it in past tense, 'has' isn't any form of preterite.
4:1:2 - Tense confusion. Came vs. play
4:1:4 - minor comma confusion
5:1:1 - Tense confusing- plagued vs plaguing
5:2:? - Detention in college?
At this point, I stopped taking individual results; I don't want to edit/proofread this for you, and the mistakes started repeating themselves.
Overall, this is better than I remember the original version being. The impact and emotional factor are just as great as they were originally, but the restructured writing helped the piece flow better and got rid of some of the more prominent errors. However, you still have a tendency to use different tenses incorrectly with a sentence; these types of errors are too common to just be freak accidents. I think part of this may be the original tense you're trying to write in. Simply sticking with present or preterit is often much easier and effective than trying to mess with present progressive, past progressive, etc, etc. I'm not the master of grammar Torpeh is, so I don't really know how else to explain it. I apologize for that.
The other major thing I noticed is that you have several really, really long sentences containing only commas for punctuation. Only a couple of them are truly grammatically incorrect, but the rest are...awkward and I felt like they broke the flow.

15-May-2010 11:59:16

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Remember that just being technically correct doesn't make something the ideal choice. Try not to put more than two or maybe three different activities in a single sentence. In the most extreme cases, I think you had at least five or six and that just starts getting confusing.
Those were the only two things I really noticed. There might have been some other minor grammatical things here and there, such as semicolon and colon usage, but those aren't a big deal. I'd focus on especially the whole tense deal before much else. Other than that, it was as great as the first time around. If I were reviewing you again, grammar would be the only place of significant markdown. Plot, character, emotion: they're all great.
Keep it up!

15-May-2010 12:02:26

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