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Had, not has, again, and when you say ‘no else’s’ it sounds odd.
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‘What a noob,’ David muttered, perhaps to himself as he scrolled down the Hiscores, examining each skill closely, frowning at the screen as one would an unpleasant and miserable sight, thoroughly disgusted by it all.
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I preferred it when the story ended with the main character just waiting for a reply. Why did you change it?
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•Scoring:
Plot
20/20
Reason: Brilliant. It’s completely fresh, something that the forum has never seen before and is completely original. (At times I fell as though it might actually be the story of your life…it’s that vividly told.)
Description
19/20
Reason: Not a lot to describe in this story, but you described emotions and feelings spectacularly. It’s rare to find an author that is so good at connecting with the emotions of his characters and describing them perfectly.
Originality/Thought
20/20
Reason: Not much to say here…we all know how original this piece is.
Characters
20/20
Reason: Every character is vibrant and alive, with multiple layers and the plot flows seamlessly around each. Beautiful.
Mechanics
18/20
Reason: A few minor mistakes, but nothing to worry about.

Total
97/100

Reviewers Comments: English has returned! The re-write of this story is, if anything, way better than the original. I one hundred and one percent enjoyed it and all I can do is applaud you. You have a deep human compassion for those who are unloved, and it spills forth into this story, giving each character a life of their own. My only complaint? It’s too short.
BRAVO!

10-Apr-2010 18:23:50

Hello, Cay! Thank you very much for the review.
It is NOT an apostrophe! Most books I use here uses ' ' for speech. Only American novels, so far, I found, uses " ".

I remember when I was just starting to write my first story on the forums when a certain Englishkid62 paid a visit to the humble thread. One of the first things he said was, *Capitalizing all the letters of one word removes from the impact.”
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Did I really say that? ! Due to the forums, it is impossible otherwise to put stress on the word like italics can, without adding asterisks or symbols, which I didn't quite want. I guess it's just one of the prices you have to pay for posting on this forum
Such person? Maybe such a person.
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Both works, depending on the context. E.g. 'This company has no liability for such person.'

Did you mean ‘which’ now plagued my timetable?
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Mmm...May have been. I'll consult this with others.

The ‘and’ makes it seem like the sentence is meant to continue, yet it comes to a full stop. Removing the ‘and’ would remedy this issue.
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Yes, this is totally an issue created during rewriting, when I write something, delete what I've written but not everything I've written at that point, leaving one extra word lying about...

Had, not has, I believe.
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Mmm, again, interesting. I'll have to consult with others. Has would suggest this is present perfect tense, which implies no one (still applies now) has ever spoke with him seriously. Had would imply it's some point in the past and no longer relating to the present. Either case, I'll look into it.

I preferred it when the story ended with the main character just waiting for a reply. Why did you change it?
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Because, my friend, unlike you, some people aren't clever enough, or couldn't be bothered, to find out if the story goes back to the beginning.

At times I fell as though it might actually be the story of your life
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10-Apr-2010 22:08:04

97/100 is more than what I could hope for, Cay, and I thank you for the time! Too short, eh? :p. Maybe, but I did expand it from a 20 post story to a 32 posts though!
Compassion for the unloved is something I have experienced very little in real life, actually, so telling this story has its rewards
Good luck, Cay, in whatever you are about to do. Hope to see you around.

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Actually, I feel depressed enough to start my next story some time soon ...

10-Apr-2010 22:08:38

Eh? What I plan to do? I'm still around...
Glad I could do the review.
~Caydock

10-Apr-2010 23:20:26

You know I love you, really

10-Apr-2010 23:45:42

11-Apr-2010 13:29:07

I knew you were joking, English.
~Caydock

11-Apr-2010 21:26:08 - Last edited on 11-Apr-2010 21:26:19 by Caydock

11-Apr-2010 21:53:18

11-Apr-2010 22:36:48