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Chuk

Chuk

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I sure hope it's a first step towards something, but I'll see what the magazine has to say before I get my hopes up too high.
I finished handwriting Chapter Two tonight. Should be posted tomorrow or Monday, maybe Tuesday. I'm hoping I get to a point where I'm adding to this regular. I'm happier with my life when I'm writing more, so hopefully that's incentive enough.
Also, I plan to read Skyhook here pretty soon. I've started twice, and gotten distracted by non-computer-related things. One of these times when I open it up, there won't be a distraction and I'll give you a post.

18-Nov-2012 11:21:56

Azigarath

Azigarath

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"seeing neither the butterflies that flitted past his face"
How could you not see that? :/
I do get the context though, I have been through similar occurrences in my life when everything just seems translucent while going through life. The past affects us in the future, so to speak anyways. Aletayr seems to be an almost overemotional guy.

Well, at least there's me and a possible few others taking the time reading the story, I really liked the finale of this chapter and the utilisation of words and descriptions, though in my opinion, they were kinda not long enough, almost as if there's something missing. But I'm not the author.

Anyways, I look forward to the next chapter!

01-Dec-2012 02:17:00

Chuk

Chuk

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I struggle with writing emotions, usually. First time through, I wrote it in a way that seemed like 12 hours after his best friend died, he was completely okay again. And I know that's not at all how grief works. So in trying to avoid that, I may have over corrected and made him too emotional. That's certainly a possibility.

And with everything else, I sometimes miss the balance between describing the important stuff that adds to a scene without also describing some pointless stuff that drags out the prose.

Comments like that are certainly helpful, since I don't know how I'm coming across to the reader otherwise. Thanks for taking the time. :)

01-Dec-2012 07:46:47

Chuk

Chuk

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I have been writing lately, even if y'all aren't seeing the results. Unfortunately, it's at a rate of about half a page every other day or something. Which, sad to say, is better than I did through most of December, but it still doesn't add up to much writing for posting very quickly. However, I imagine there will be something new within a week or two.

19-Jan-2013 08:23:18

Chuk

Chuk

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"I just read the five posts! Well, unfortunately, I found the approaching bandits to be a somewhat common scenario to break emotion in stories. I have read similar happenings in other stories here and there, and very often the villains are smirking, sneering, grinning, and so on before getting owned, and I feel that's losing effectiveness.

Speaking of the bandits, I do recall that the description mentions that most of the trees were saplings, so it's a bit odd how the bandits could just sneak up like that, or was there something I missed? To be frank, whenever I was in the bush, I could hear others walking around more than twenty feet away, so I'm just a little fidgety about how a few guys could act as ninjas. Well, the focus for Ale was Ahr (pardon the abbreviations, the names are hard to type), so I suppose it's fair he just didn't see the fat guy coming.

It is realistic for bandits to be a bunch of cowards, though, a bit too clean the action was but that's just me; for example, when Ale had his foot on the guy's wrist, couldn't he just punch Ale in the groin with his free hand? It also seems to be a cliché when a villain swings horizontally at someone's head, the someone ducks, and defeats the villain; I've just **en that quite often basically everywhere.

Well, the bandits really were a bunch of sissies, and even in my own life, I have noticed that bullies are cowards, I just stepped up to them angrily and they reconsider what to do. I do get a few chuckles reflecting about those few moments in high school, but that doesn't matter.

Actually, it's not really worthwhile to complain about two posts, it's just the beginning of the story after all, but I didn't want to feel useless. The brief duel scene was a bit too passive at least from my point of view, and I have practised swordsmanship to a minuscule extent."

27-Jan-2013 22:12:45

Chuk

Chuk

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So, I realize that the scene that's referring to and your critique of it are from forever ago, but your swordfighting links on The Academy thread reminded me of this, and I realized I'd like to discuss this in a bit more detail if you're willing. I went ahead and copied your post here, so you don't have to dig through pages to find it again.

Anyhow, recognizing that the bandits are more than a bit cliche, how would you suggest switching that up? Because, at least to some extent, bullies in real life do fit that cliche; they smile and grin and sneer, at least in my experience, because most of the time the victim doesn't stand up to them. So when the victim does stand up to them, as you said, it ends up being that the bullies are mostly bluster. And then they get 'owned' by someone who has some idea of what he or she is doing.

Then, now that I've watched some of those videos on medieval fighting, how would you suggest changing up the action? Part of the point of the bandit's horizontal swing was that it really was a completely clumsy, oafish swing, so bad that Aletayr didn't have to go into much of his training, etc. It was the sort of attacking stroke he could've parried/avoided/what-have-you while flossing his teeth with one hand and both eyes closed (yay hyperbole!)

So, I guess, how would you suggest avoiding the cliches at least a bit, while still trying to maintain the same idea? I mean, it's basically the concept of some *xperienced bar-brawler who thinks he's tough *#!t because he's strong trying to take on a black-belt or something. There's just no real competition in it.

Also, keep in mind that I'd like to describe this in a way such that people who know nothing about swordfighting (95% plus of the population?) can appreciate it, as well as people who understand a bit of what's going on, like you do, so that means no -- or very few -- official or technical terms, like the ones used in the video(s).

27-Jan-2013 22:22:41 - Last edited on 27-Jan-2013 22:34:02 by Chuk

Azigarath

Azigarath

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Alrighty, here I am, and I’ll reply to the best of my abilities. Of course I am obviously neither a swordmaster nor a storymaster, so I’ll have to double-check what I type tomorrow or so.

“Anyhow, recognizing that the bandits are more than a bit cliche, how would you suggest switching that up? Because, at least to some extent, bullies in real life do fit that cliche; they smile and grin and sneer...”

In my own stories, I have introduced brigands of similar nature, but they step in and try to go for the kill after analyzing their victim, but quickly fall into misfortune, so I’m not free of clichés myself. While I was rereading The Gothic Wolves, I came upon a scene that had a few bandits step in and try to rob Fayne, a fan’s bio in the story. She is not a soft person and attacks them, they trying to grab her and take her down as sick-minded guys they are, but she free herself and knees one in the crotch.

The forest is full of demons and one stumbles upon the scene, but is shot by an arquebus at direct range and falls over, but predictably, it’s not dead and crawls at and then trips the gunner, rolling over him and taking the gun from him. The demon stabs the gun into the bandit’s gut and pushes the barrel into the ground beneath, killing him, and then kills another bandit whom was kneed by Fayne, as he was too hurt between the legs to run away. I don’t remember much, but later, they and Fayne go away after fighting or something, but the bandits return to loot their dead friend’s body.

So my formula was: bandits come, threaten victim, victim wounds one but it knocked down, another deadlier force/character arrives, kills bandit on its own and then takes advantage of wounded one hurt by victim/hero, and drives they and the hero away, bandits return to loot dead friend.

28-Jan-2013 03:09:27

Azigarath

Azigarath

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In this case, at least in my opinion, it shows the gruffness of the bandits (but there is a cliché of a stronger force helping out), but also their cowardly nature; I simply find that showing at least two sides of their evil as well as their emotion and physical reactions to reflect the victim but also themselves adds a little more than just a nuisance. For example, although not mentioned, I imagined Fayne thinking to herself, “If I did not hurt that guy, he would have been able to run away and be alive” so, sometimes, cruelty done to evil in a way that makes the audience feel sorry for the evil works very well. For example, Rob Zombie’s adult film The Devil’s Rejects, with protagonists being evil people, end up in a very humble state with prolonged suffering.

Perhaps a one idea would be for, as mentioned in the second link, for Aleytr~ to be cruel but non-lethal, such as cutting off an ear after a counter, stabbing into a nose, poking into an eye, or cutting into the scalp (scalp wounds bleed like crazy) so that the sudden shedding of blood frightens the bandits. After all, he did see his best friend slain before his eyes, so would have some control over shock. If I were you, I would do something like that and maybe offer a flashback, so that Aleytr~ sees more of the grandmaster in himself or something like that over time.

Now that I think about it, I suppose it is fair and workable for bullies to grin and such, it fits their nature. My younger brother showed me a video some time ago about some skinny city teen provoking a much older former soldier, who keeps it cool, but is pushed a few times and strikes back, hitting the bully just once, and that was enough to send the bully on his back.

28-Jan-2013 03:09:44

Azigarath

Azigarath

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The bully crawled backwards, got up, and wobbly walked away. Now, this real bullying issue ended humorously for the good side, so perhaps actual videos of such occurrences would offer better ideas than my own.

“Then, now that I've watched some of those videos on medieval fighting, how would you suggest changing up the action?”
“So, I guess, how would you suggest avoiding the cliches at least a bit, while still trying to maintain the same idea?”

As mentioned in one link, a sword can dice off the top half of a person’s skull, and the last link is about Cold Steel’s greatsword demonstration, which is shown chopping about four or so inches into a cow’s skull. Against a human skull, I’m pretty sure a blade would go clean through. I recall reading in a book of mine, and it had a historic description about how an axe and a sword can chop into a head and “dash out brains”, so I feel that the best way to make action is to keep it lively and on-going while trying to remember about all parts of the body. So kicking, punching, head-butting, shoving and pushing works, and maybe mentioning how the character is afraid while doing such action.

In my action scenes, I try to imagine all involved characters as being active with all parts of the body. In the “15th Century fighting demonstration” video, it shows the guy in the black dive, but feigns an upper-body attack first and then dives for the lower; imagine what if he dove into an uppercut, or a raised knee, or what if both guys did the same thin and dove at one another at the same time, maybe their heads clocking against one another, or suppose the diving guy saw the lifted knee and instead grabbed the knee, still going forward and so falling over and atop his foe.

28-Jan-2013 03:10:39

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