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Aura -
-- Chek
Aura -
-- Chek
03-Dec-2008 04:38:46
Overall plot: 43/50
<(Plot: 35/40- It was a pleasing read, but a little bit confusing at the start.
Originality: 4/5- a storm isn’t particularly original, but you made it interesting with the bit at the end.
Twists: 4/5)>
Description: 35/37.5- Your description was the best part of this. The only problem I saw was that you sometimes over-described things and made it confusing for the reader.
Grammar: 25/25- Noob.
Characters:12 /15- I understand it is hard to develop a character in a short story, but you could’ve made him slightly more interesting.
Word choice: 5.5/7.5- Overuse of ‘soon’, otherwise fine.
Flow: 15/20- there were a few problems with the flow, see the ‘errors’ section.
Overall ‘interestingness*: 45/50- an entertaining read, from my perspective =)
Tilt: +2, for not making it a dream after all
Total: 182.5/210
____________________________
ERRORS:
“All of the citizens soon found that there was no hope, and they soon fell to their knees, praying for their gods to come to them, but there would be no help arriving”
You used ‘soon’ twice in a sentence.
In fact, you seem to use ‘soon’ a large number of times:
-“Soon, the moon fell victim to their devastating force”
-“and soon they funneled down and touched the soft soil”
-“Freezing rain and chilling air soon slowed the people”
You get my point. Replace it with synonyms to make is flow better.
“On the ground in front of them sat a priest<, but this was not any priest; he was the High Priest of Guthix, and even he could not help but doubt their leader.”>
-Doesn’t seem to flow very well, I’m not sure why.
His short, brown hair was soaked to the scalp and< it> rested upon his head< from> the water’s weight,
-The ’it’ is unnecessary, all it does is destroy the flow, and the ‘from’ sounds a bit awkward in this situation.
<(Plot: 35/40- It was a pleasing read, but a little bit confusing at the start.
Originality: 4/5- a storm isn’t particularly original, but you made it interesting with the bit at the end.
Twists: 4/5)>
Description: 35/37.5- Your description was the best part of this. The only problem I saw was that you sometimes over-described things and made it confusing for the reader.
Grammar: 25/25- Noob.
Characters:12 /15- I understand it is hard to develop a character in a short story, but you could’ve made him slightly more interesting.
Word choice: 5.5/7.5- Overuse of ‘soon’, otherwise fine.
Flow: 15/20- there were a few problems with the flow, see the ‘errors’ section.
Overall ‘interestingness*: 45/50- an entertaining read, from my perspective =)
Tilt: +2, for not making it a dream after all
Total: 182.5/210
____________________________
ERRORS:
“All of the citizens soon found that there was no hope, and they soon fell to their knees, praying for their gods to come to them, but there would be no help arriving”
You used ‘soon’ twice in a sentence.
In fact, you seem to use ‘soon’ a large number of times:
-“Soon, the moon fell victim to their devastating force”
-“and soon they funneled down and touched the soft soil”
-“Freezing rain and chilling air soon slowed the people”
You get my point. Replace it with synonyms to make is flow better.
“On the ground in front of them sat a priest<, but this was not any priest; he was the High Priest of Guthix, and even he could not help but doubt their leader.”>
-Doesn’t seem to flow very well, I’m not sure why.
His short, brown hair was soaked to the scalp and< it> rested upon his head< from> the water’s weight,
-The ’it’ is unnecessary, all it does is destroy the flow, and the ‘from’ sounds a bit awkward in this situation.
10-Dec-2008 03:42:31
THE REST:
Overall plot: 43/50
<(Plot: 35/40- All of the plots were good but the first one; the first one was too cliché.
Originality: 4/5- -1 for the first piece.
Twists: 4/5- Meh. They’re short stories.)>
Description: 35/37.5- again, don’t overdescribe.
Grammar: 25/25- Narb.
Characters: 14/15- They are short stories, methinks.
Word choice: 7.5/7.5- Let’s keep the numbers whole, eh?
Flow: 16 /20- Again, a few problems occurred here. Make sure, when you’re writing poetry, that two rhyming lines have similar rhythms. A couple of lines in Ode to the Hobo were a bit off.
Overall ‘interestingness*: 45/50- Mostly fine, but some flow problems got on my nerves.
Tilt: +1, for writing a poem =D
Total: 186.5/205
I particularly liked ‘Truth’
“His mind always thinking, "Why do things ****?"”
-Get rid of the asterixes, they make it look messy. Replace them with dots or something if it still censors
“Blizzards long ravaged the countryside, their deathly chills destroying all life within and their strength, powered by the northern lands, was devastating.”
-Awkward sentence, perhaps replace the ‘and’ .with a full stop.
TOTAL: 369/410!
Coincidentally, that’* exactly 90%
That’s an A for you, Sir Capt =)
Overall plot: 43/50
<(Plot: 35/40- All of the plots were good but the first one; the first one was too cliché.
Originality: 4/5- -1 for the first piece.
Twists: 4/5- Meh. They’re short stories.)>
Description: 35/37.5- again, don’t overdescribe.
Grammar: 25/25- Narb.
Characters: 14/15- They are short stories, methinks.
Word choice: 7.5/7.5- Let’s keep the numbers whole, eh?
Flow: 16 /20- Again, a few problems occurred here. Make sure, when you’re writing poetry, that two rhyming lines have similar rhythms. A couple of lines in Ode to the Hobo were a bit off.
Overall ‘interestingness*: 45/50- Mostly fine, but some flow problems got on my nerves.
Tilt: +1, for writing a poem =D
Total: 186.5/205
I particularly liked ‘Truth’
“His mind always thinking, "Why do things ****?"”
-Get rid of the asterixes, they make it look messy. Replace them with dots or something if it still censors
“Blizzards long ravaged the countryside, their deathly chills destroying all life within and their strength, powered by the northern lands, was devastating.”
-Awkward sentence, perhaps replace the ‘and’ .with a full stop.
TOTAL: 369/410!
Coincidentally, that’* exactly 90%
That’s an A for you, Sir Capt =)
10-Dec-2008 03:43:27 - Last edited on 10-Dec-2008 03:43:57 by Silver Snake
Whoo. Thank, Snake.
I'll get a-editin' soon(ish).
-- Chek
I'll get a-editin' soon(ish).
-- Chek
10-Dec-2008 03:46:32
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