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Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Review for: Outlander, by Roshinda
I’m sorry that this review is so short…There just isn’t a whole lot to say, this story was pretty awesome.
Grammar/Spelling: Spotless of errors, except for this one sentence:
- “Of course, where else would they have been from, as everything is south in relation to that mountain town?” – Part 1, post 1 – That sentence felt awkward, I think because of the placement of the question mark. Might work better if you divided into two sentences. That’s pretty much it.
Description/Vocabulary: You have really amazing description. Your writing just really flows well…The first paragraph of the story was really nice, it provided an amazing image, and the transitions especially between parts work well. I especially liked the choreography of the fight scenes, they were pretty vivid.
Characters and Development: Like your description, your characters are really strong. The first person view fits this well; it gives you the opportunity to make Arik’s emotions that much stronger, and you do it well. His emotions about his position and about Bec are really well described, and that makes him feel very real. Nice.

03-Jun-2007 22:21:16

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Content/Plot: The content of this was interesting…It was sort of a series of short stories, almost – the arrival of the Outlanders, then his fight with Thorkel, then the fight with the Kyatt. You do a great job of showing how Arik, and Bec, develop through each of these subplots, and that’s good. The ending especially was strong.
The only complaint about the content I have is some of the dialogue…Sometimes the dialogue didn’t feel real…It didn’t feel like things someone would say. For example… "How dare you assault a woman of virtue!" – I don’t know…it sounded a little weird. I couldn’t really imagine him saying that. Maybe it’s just me. Other than that, the content was awesome.
Organization: Not much to say here…The reserve and edit format is always easier to read, so I applaud you for that. Also, as I stated above, the first person point of view was a really good choice.
Overall Comments: Like I said, I’d heard many good things about this story, and had always wanted to read it. I wasn’t let down, this is amazing. It was really touching, and tragic, it made me sad. =P I really enjoyed this though. Awesome work. =)

03-Jun-2007 22:21:35

Roshinda

Roshinda

Posts: 6,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for the review Smee :)
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hate dialogue so I can understand that you felt it somewhat forced lol. I'll work on improving it when I do the rewrite for the full length story this summer.
PS. Almost home! Then I'll have regular computer access again, and soon a new computer too.

05-Jun-2007 08:44:01

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07-Jun-2007 03:42:30

Roshinda

Roshinda

Posts: 6,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Glad you're having fun Luke.
Genzen, I do agree with Smeeze on that part. The pre-fight dialogue is really forced, and just didn't sit right with me. I thought of something better on the plane, but I didn't write it down so I forgot it lol.

08-Jun-2007 17:52:54

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