forums.rs

Forums

-=± Outlander ±=-

Quick find code: 49-50-803-41843837

of 129
[#Y7TCW7FBM]

[#Y7TCW7FBM]

Posts: 4,356 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You know it's wierd because when i logged onto the forums, I had a rejuvinating sensation when i came to outlander. It feels good :)
Hey if you can become a travel agent u can travel more and visit little ole Ft. Myers, Florida :P
O and thx for bumping all these years :P
P.S. I am in a very good mood if your wondering :P

25-Apr-2007 02:10:06

Jband1

Jband1

Posts: 5,738 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well just not that there is usally a sense that action will be in the air very soon as well in the first chapter and 80% of the time (Well thats what I think it is) There is usally something to do with it in the first three or four paragraphs.I am different though, first paragraph pure description, then description and talk for half the chapter. I'm different.

P.S I can I post my well review of my story done by smeeze here.

25-Apr-2007 07:36:58 - Last edited on 25-Apr-2007 07:37:42 by Jband1

Jband1

Jband1

Posts: 5,738 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
thanks Roshi let the 2 reserves begin.

Crystal Smee
07-Apr-2007 16:13:46
Review for: The Chaos Emerald, by Jband1


Grammar/Spelling:
- There were lots of run-on sentences – need more commas, semi-colons, or break it down into more sentences.
- “Josh! Josh! Wake up” shouted a voice it was male, not [to] deep. – Should be “too”.
- “That all [cos] I have [defiantly] had worse.” – “Cause,” “definitely” – the “cos” error is repeated a few more times.
- “I’ll speak [to later] mate.” – I think this is missing a word – “I’ll speak to [you] later mate,” maybe?
- “Have [are] men got any closer to finding it?” asked Beardra. – “our” – this error also shows up a few times.
- Most of the errors here were with the long sentences, and also some random capitalizations and a few spelling errors, which I mentioned.

Description/Vocabulary:
- Just in that first few sentences, when you describe the wilderness, there was some really capturing imagery. Nice job.
- You use some vocabulary repeatedly. In the first paragraph, you use “unforgiving” two times in a row – a little more variety makes it interesting.
- You use really good description in the fight scenes. Just don’t pile ten different moves into one sentence. But I could envision it all.

Characters/Development:
- You develop Josh’s character really well. I liked the part in the beginning when he’s in the hospital, and he has the flashback – all the loss of memory was interesting. And how you go back to it later and explain it.
- It would be helpful to explain a little more about the other characters – who they are, how they met Josh maybe, and how they know Beardra and Night – background would be useful.
- “AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH Night time to die you bloody worthless git.” Josh shouted – I just loved that line. XD

25-Apr-2007 07:39:53 - Last edited on 25-Apr-2007 07:40:15 by Jband1

Jband1

Jband1

Posts: 5,738 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Crystal Smee
07-Apr-2007 16:14:03
Plot:
- You set up a neat plot, with the Chaos emerald, and showing us Beardra. I think it moves a little quickly though – maybe have a few more scenes to introduce us better to Higgzy, Lairt, Aaron, and them before suddenly revealing the chaos emerald? Not entirely necessary, it just feels a little too fast.
- The chaos emerald is a neat idea – I like the description of its powers.
- I really liked the fact that someone already had the chaos emerald. When I first saw the part about Higgzy explaining it, I thought it would be another quest story, and the whole thing would be finding the emerald – but you surprised me. Someone already had it! Which was very original.

Organization:
- When you switch between settings, like when Lairt and Higgzy are fighting in Falador and then you go to Josh and Rhia in the field, it might help to have two spaces in between, or a mark of some sort, just to make it clear that you switched over. It can be a little confusing otherwise.

Final comments: This is an awesome start. The grammar is messy, which breaks the flow of some amazing writing. I think if you took the time to edit it so that it reads better, it could go far. I really like your plot, and the action, and the building up of the characters. Nice work, Jband.

~ Smeeze

25-Apr-2007 07:40:01 - Last edited on 25-Apr-2007 07:40:30 by Jband1

Quick find code: 49-50-803-41843837 Back to Top