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[#F3XNMC5MJ]

[#F3XNMC5MJ]

Posts: 1,649 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Pretty good, but here is one sentence that I think you need to redo. You used too many "it's" in it. I lost track of what you were talking about.
"It darted to my left, and I quickly hurled my axe, slightly ahead of where the animal was. It had good speed for short bursts, but it didn't get far."

09-Apr-2007 05:54:00

Roshinda

Roshinda

Posts: 6,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"It" refers to the animal in each of those instances, but I see what you mean. I'll try to change it.
Is his voice coming across better? He's still really insecure (I'm not going to go changing that) but I'm really trying to focus on separating what he thinks from what he does.

09-Apr-2007 05:56:44

Roshinda

Roshinda

Posts: 6,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This is what I changed it to:

A blur of white fur darted to my left, and I quickly hurled my axe, slightly ahead of where the animal was. The animal had good speed for short bursts, but it didn't get far.
Is that better?

09-Apr-2007 05:59:00

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