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The Cookie Crusades

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Westenev

Westenev

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They came from the East, 5,000 strong with colourful pickets in hands, each chanting a slurred mantra that maybe involved the words “Cookies” and “Brains”. One look on their steely faces showed that these men and woman had enough of Lord Captlasky’s cruel oppression.

Ignoring the imminent battle around them, Westenev’s picketers slowly marched on the wall. As many began to set up roaring campfires, some began the peaceful rallying cry – many a sentry from Captlasky’s guard may have heard in passing that their mothers were hamsters or that their fathers smelled of elderberries.

Westenev watched the battlements from the inside of a newly erected tent, watching smugly as the colourful poncho wearing freedom fighters began their campaign.
Noth
ing
inte
rest
ing
happ
ens.

05-Dec-2015 20:31:11 - Last edited on 05-Dec-2015 20:33:08 by Westenev

sir eos lee

sir eos lee

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In the distance, the armies of Westenev and Lasky heard a rumble, as if the very earth shook with every step of an approaching army from Westenev's South.
At first, the dust cloud obscured their numbers, but it sound as if 20,000 men were moving.

But when they finally arrived, panting and breathing hard, but still in formation, they saw 500 men.
The men were enormous, almost double the weight of a normal man. Each man in patchwork armor, almost glued or tied to a body that was too large to contain itself.
With each labored breath from their long march, the body just rippled like a stone thrown into a pond ... each roll of flab jiggled and flowed for moments even after the previous breath had long passed.

But within their eyes, LAsky could see from the battlements a crazed look. These men were the worst addicts of them all.
While some lords like Lasky would hoard their cookies, the men from the deep south took all they could, and devoured it like ravenous locusts.

Not only were Lasky's walls and troops in their way now to the massive hoard, but so was Westenev's army.

05-Dec-2015 21:21:43

Pink 4 Twink
Aug Member 2023

Pink 4 Twink

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Lord Emo's total Forces: 3900
Knights: 600
Archers: 400
Battalion of Mercenaries( Armored with both heavy and light armors) : 500
Skirmishers: 500
Infantry (All lightly armored): 1000
Another battalion of mercenaries( Armored with both heavy and light armors): 500
Sappers: 400


Siege equipment: 30 catapults, 13 battering rams, 40 siege towers, 80 pigs (the least useful for eating)

how they will fight: They are to surround the fortress and, cut Lasky's Supply lines, and starve Lasky's defenders into submission slowly over a period of months, If possible they are to also reinforce Westinev's position. Just your friendly neighborhood gay boy! =)

06-Dec-2015 01:00:29 - Last edited on 06-Dec-2015 02:29:34 by Pink 4 Twink

Pink 4 Twink
Aug Member 2023

Pink 4 Twink

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From the east, Lord Emo's forces had destroyed another army of idiots and were making their way west towards Fort Infinity, but was forced to stop because his troops were exhausted.
"By all that is holy, What the hell is going on?!" asked Lord Emo. a soldier gestured Emo to look at the condition of his troops. "We're exhausted sir." Emo paused to think about the current position he was in. His forces could be ambushed at any moment of the night, finally he came to a solution. "Would you people continue for
COOKIES??"
Everyone ran up to report for duty.


And so Lord Emo's army went on west, crossing over a peasants home, where they busted open the door. "May I help you m'lord" asked an elderly woman. Emo could not contain his troops, and they raided the woman's ale cellar, stole her jewelry and the pigs destroyed her orchard. "Yes, you aren't going to like this, but we are staying the night in your nice, cozy house, and YOU are going to sleep outside in the cold." declared Emo who then threw her out the door and locked it. The woman came up to the door and banged on it desperately. "Sir, my grandchildren are in there! They are infants!" she declared. Lord Emo threw the children through the window, killing one and maiming the other. "There you go, peasant!" said Emo with glee. "You jerk, those were my grandchildren!" she shrieked. "Well in case you haven't noticed there is a war going on to the east, we'll compensate you in cookies after we've killed everyone at Fort Infinity." declared Lord Emo

And so Lord Emo left the next day with his troops, who burned down the lady's house. whatever happened to this lady, no one knows. because, honestly, who cares about peasants anyway? Just your friendly neighborhood gay boy! =)

06-Dec-2015 02:28:23 - Last edited on 06-Dec-2015 16:40:24 by Pink 4 Twink

Pink 4 Twink
Aug Member 2023

Pink 4 Twink

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*meanwhile 5000 time traveling hippies from the 2960's suddenly appear at Fort Infinity preaching the words "Make love, not war!" over and over again.* Just your friendly neighborhood gay boy! =)

09-Dec-2015 01:37:42 - Last edited on 09-Dec-2015 01:38:40 by Pink 4 Twink

NotFishing

NotFishing

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Brutal Tyrant Glorious Leader Emo Muslim

Of course, the 5000 time travelling hippies did not exist. For some odd reason, time travel would never be invented. Perhaps the cookie war was set to drive all of humanity to extinction? A haunting implication indeed.

As for Emo's plan to cut off the fortress from its supplies... that wouldn't work either. As mentioned in the intro, the fort had enough to supplies and cookies to sustain the people inside for years. No, the only option was a direct attack.

-----

The Siege

The brave and noble Lord Lasky stared down at the forces which had assembled before him, baffled at the massive wave of peaceful protesters. What was that nefarious Lord Westenev planning?

"Fire!"

Five hundred arrows, a dozen trebuchet rocks, two dozen ballista bolts. It was as if hell itself rained down upon the protesters. One of the most vocal protesters, who had been standing near Lord Westenev's tent, was struck directly in the chest by a bolt and pinned to ground.

He looked up at Lord Westenev, his eyes pleading as he desperately attempted to raise the sign back into the air and mouthed the chant, but eventually the sign fell to the ground and his eyes closed. All life had left him.

The first shots had been fired, and already Lord Lasky was giving orders for the archers to ready more arrows and the siege weapons to be reloaded. What next?

-----

((Fort's defenses have been updated.)) Beneath the gold, the Bitter Steel.

09-Dec-2015 23:38:02 - Last edited on 09-Dec-2015 23:38:52 by NotFishing

sir eos lee

sir eos lee

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The aroma of the cookies could still be smelled in the air, even with the new scent of blood.
The mass of 500 gluttonous men slowly strode up to Westenev's army south flank chanting " COOK ... KEEYYSS ... COOOK ... KEEYSSS ..." with each step.

Westenev had a choice, step aside and let the group strike first at the castle, or engage the very fat force while trying to defend from Lasky's projectiles.

The fat mob approach is from a gentle uphill, thus Westenev would be at the bottom of a downhill rush, the mob would have enough time to build up momentum to a frenzied rush and smash into his lines.

10-Dec-2015 17:27:14 - Last edited on 10-Dec-2015 17:30:19 by sir eos lee

D F Angel

D F Angel

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Fort Infinity was of a grand design, formidable, shielded by the natural elements on all sides save the east, which made for an excellent bottleneck that would undoubtedly benefit those being besieged rather than those doing the sieging. No doubt the mountains had been dug into to allow stores of food to last for months, mayhaps years, meaning that the fortress could withstand a siege for a lot longer than any attacking army would prefer. A prudent lord would have destroyed the local crops too, and Lord Lasky was not known for lacking in prudency, which meant that without a baggage train the defending lord was more likely to outlast the opposition.

With such odds stacked against him, Lord Angel thought it most opportune to simply cheat.

The full armada that he had brought numbered two thousand and fifteen. Half of that number were peasantry plucked from Lord Angel's demesnes, whose lumber and mining trades made them ill-suited for refined warriors, but allowed other avenues of opportunity to present themselves. They had taken the short yet impractical route south from High Heaven, crossing the very northern mountain which allowed itself to be a defence of Fort Infinity. There was no way they could descend the sheer cliff-face that marked the end of their journey and the start of Fort Infinity's natural blockade, but that did not mean they couldn't force other things to descend. Such as rocks or pots of boiling oil, vertically down into the fort from above.

Five hundred pikemen in the vanguard were supplemented with three hundred bowmen. Two hundred skilled swordsmen were split in two to guard the flanks, whilst the rear was taken up by a hundred heavy horse (because one never knows when they might be in need of a cavalry.) The final fifteen were the Winged Knights, Lord Angel's personal retinue of honour guards, the finest fighters in his realm. Hags be hagglin', gods be god damn crazy, it's all happening ogre at Into The Fire

16-Dec-2015 01:49:02

D F Angel

D F Angel

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Two ballistas were rolled out into the forefront, each one sporting rather large ammunition which was fitted with black-powder spheres, strings dangling precariously out yearning to be lit. The ballistas were covered in wool- a natural flame retardant, and aimed towards the main entrance of Fort Infinity. The arrows were lit at the far end and fired, the clear hope being that they would hit the door and explode, hopefully taking out the portcullis in the meantime.

"I should have brought war elephants," Lord Angel lamented to himself, perhaps taking inspiration from the sight of Lord Eos Lee's Unlikely Lads. It seemed that the gluttonous soldiers were planning on facing Lord Westenev, (whose coat of arms personally offended Lord Angel- what a drab colour scheme!) instead of their mutual enemy. Lord Angel knew he was going to be victorious regardless, but was personally pleased with this turn of events as it meant he would no longer need to slay the opposing armies as well.

Ever a keen chess-player, Lord Angel reclined in his wheeled-throne, (why travel in style when you can travel in comfort?) patiently awaiting Lord Lasky's next move. Hags be hagglin', gods be god damn crazy, it's all happening ogre at Into The Fire

16-Dec-2015 01:49:07

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