RuneScape Forum Archive | Hidden Shadows

Reaper Ben

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Starting it right now =)

07-Mar-2011 16:17:14

Reaper Ben

Posts: 7,517 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I have reached page 5! I don't have the time to read it all today, but I have read as much as I could. I actually enjoyed your story, it was quite intriguing and captivating. The details were rather good, the choice of word was superb, and emotion was definitely showing. I really like the idea of Mac, this old and grumpy man who stole glory from all around him. Although it was not hard to foretell, the revelation of Mac's evilness was a nice twist to the story.

There were a few minor mistakes that I did notice though. I was not really focusing on grammar mistakes, but more the overall layer of the story.

1: Separation between stories. The fact that there was no distinct separation between the three different stories was a little confusing. There was some times where I had to stop reading, read back the last paragraph to realize that the story had switched. This could be solved simply with a mark which indicates a change in the storyline.

2: Environment. Sometimes, although rarely, it was hard to picture what sort of environment the characters were in. I'm mostly referring to the dungeon which Stephen and John fell into.

3: Confusion between characters. It took me four pages of reading before I could finally figure who was who and where that person was. This may just be me, but it took me some time to remember who Mike was, or how Cameron was related to any of the other characters. (By the way, what happened to his Maul?)

4: Spider's don't have Jaws. =P Minor detail, but you said that the spider launched at John with it's jaws; I don't remember them having any.

5: Too fast of a escape. This is I think the second most imposing mistake in your story: How fast the two main characters got past those "ferocious" beast. The battles involving them and the monsters were barely existent. Fighting a troll should take time. =)

07-Mar-2011 17:41:54

Reaper Ben

Posts: 7,517 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

6: These are some of the grammar mistakes that I spotted. You used the word "Then" incorrectly on several occasions. The words Then and Than are often confused (I struggle with that myself). I don't know if you know the difference, but Then refers to time wise, while Than refers to almost everything else.

Also, one of the sentences during Clare's escape from the monster was incorrect. You put the "However" at the very end of the sentence, while it should have been at the beginning.

Last grammar mistakes, the word "Yelped" was used quite often. ^_^

Man this is my biggest struggle! Finding other words to describe the same action. Anyways, I don't really know how to bring you advice, expect to suggest a Thesaurus. =)

7: Last thing! =P The title, although I like your title, I think it can be misleading. Most people probably look at the title and guess that your story is about some sort of shadow terrorizing a village. And that scenario has been overkilled. I think that you might want to consider changing your title. Now, if your like me, I feel like once I named a story, it has to stay that way forever; and I have a hard time letting go of the original title. I had a story which had a misleading title, and believe me, I barely got any readers. I would brainstorming to find a new title, or ask your friends what a good title would be. And ask them if they would read stories with titles that you came up with.
Personally I think that "Skeletons and Closets" would be intriguing =P Of course, you don't have to take it, but it's to get you started.

Overal I liked your story! I'm just sad that you don't have as many readers as you should have. The plot is great, the characters are developed, and the story is engaging. I hope to finish it by Wednesday. Good luck, and keep faith in yourself!

07-Mar-2011 17:51:15

Hazeel Rises

Posts: 4,066 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Thanks for the feedback!

I'll go in and add chapters, as well as distinguishing marks between character seperations. I'll add more to the dungeon fight (mainly with the troll, because the dragon was a little more in-depth), and I'll gloss over grammar mistakes.

As for the title, it was metaphorical. A hidden dark plot slowly devouring people and the heroes' efforts to escape it. Hopefully, people will understand it, and if they read on, it would probably become clear.

08-Mar-2011 15:20:53