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Dreamweaver's Assorted Tales

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Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
-- LC's Review of Dreamweaver's Assorted Tales, by Dreamweaver. --

Mechanics [39/40]:
I removed one point from this category due to just a couple overlooked comma errors that I found. The few I found follow:
From the third to last post of The Enigma of the Trees -
"Apparently I also explained that his half-sister..."
-- A comma is needed after 'apparently', since it is an introductory word.
From the last line of Enigma of the Trees -
"...a weeping willow or a might mahogany perhaps you will do so with as much understanding and reverence as I."
-- You need to separate different clauses with a comma between 'mahogany' and 'perhaps'.
From the second post of The Stable Boy and The Shield -
"Gregor the evening guard was patrolling the courtyard..."
-- Since you could remove 'the evening guard' and retain good sentence structure, you need to surround that statement in commas.
This aspect of your writing is nearly flawless and I am most impressed with it. You seem to know what you're doing, so I've got no other comments.

Description [37/40]:
You have great description. Between using the familiar names of Gielinor's areas and your descriptions, I can picture everything very well. It is not quite the best I have seen, but is very close.
I took off the three points for places where the description seemed rushed, such as the end of your SC entry, Don't Eat the Chicken. I know the 1500 word limit inhibits description, but I felt that the Tight Old Man's transformation deserved more description as did his arrival at Fred's house.
I felt there was a similar problem at the end of How to Make a Mountain. The result of the god-thrown dirt could have been described in deeper detail.

06-Jan-2008 19:07:56 - Last edited on 06-Jan-2008 23:52:34 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Writing Style [28/30]:
This is incredible. You have a very unique style that flows very well, for the most part. There were a few places that I found where the flow stumbled a little bit before it continued. This often happened in places where you switched from a description of the actual story to your thoughts about it, the comments you make as narrator.
Those comments work very well most of the time, but I feel that they could be integrated with everything else a little better. They give little humorous insights into the reading that add a nice extra element to the story.
This is very unique and not easy to do. Well Done.

Vocabulary/Word Choice [19/20]:
You used excellent vocabulary throughout every little story. There were enough to make the writing interesting for me, but not so many that it became a boring chore to look up each new word. Everywhere you used them, those words fit in with the writing instead of putting them in only to include them, in which case they would have stuck out like a sore thumb.
I would have liked a little bit better use of synonyms in a few places, though. This is what cost you one point. In one particular instance, you use the word 'ran' when I think 'scrambled', 'scurried', or 'rushed' would have been a better word for the context. Unfortunately, I couldn't find this spot when I looked for it just now, so I can't point you directly to it.
Occurrences like this were few and far between. Use a dictionary or a thesaurus a little bit more and you would easily get a perfect score. Well Done.

Miscellaneous *20/20*:
Excellent use of humor throughout the stories. Each story had additions of comments or thoughts that the story was good without. But since you added them in, the stories became great!
For example, the comment about the Tight Old Man being in building mode instead of being visited by spirits was quite amusing. It is an example of exactly what I am referring to. I hope you write like this all the time.

06-Jan-2008 23:46:48 - Last edited on 06-Jan-2008 23:48:03 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Plot [54/60]:
Your plot was pretty good throughout every story. You had the structure down very well, with strong introductions, good rising action, surprising cli(c)maxes, and some wrapping-up falling action.
Your introductions were always excellent. They set the scene and introduced the topic very well in every story. You didn't have too few characters, nor too many, and they were all introduced at convenient points in the stories.
Every conflict you created was brought to a close and resolved very well. In plot structure, you did excellent.
Except for the parodies, which aren't supposed to be incredibly original since they're based off something, your originality was excellent. Your creativity in both those original stories and in the parodies was outstanding, as well.
All the stories had interesting plots that kept me interested; none were too boring to read. However, I thought that some of the stories could have been developed a little bit further, even if they are short stories. I took off a few points for this.
The last thing I removed points for is the The Stable Boy and the Shield. The conclusion of this story was confusing and I felt that it could have been explained better. For example it is not clear why the Captain Rovin does not recall that he sent the boy off with the shield. He should have remembered that when it was brought back, I think, unless I am missing something. A little bit more clarity there would help immensely.

Characters [19/20]: Your characters were all developed very well for the amount of writing you had. They remained in-character throughout their stories, sticking with the persona you gave them at the beginning of the story.
I thought you did an especially good job with this in the dialogue of The Stable Boy and the Shield. You remember to keep each character talking the same way both at the beginning and the end. Captain Rovin speaks with the same slur, for lack of a better word, the whole time.

06-Jan-2008 23:46:57 - Last edited on 06-Jan-2008 23:48:33 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Every action the characters do is pretty realistic. For example: the stable boy falls over because he doesn't realize how heavy the shield is. That was an excellent way to keep him in the character of a young boy.
I also liked the characters from Don't Eat the Chicken. They were very similar to the characters in A Christmas Carol, but you developed their own little quirks, which was excellent. I liked how the Tight Old Man made his fortune on chickens. Very Nice.

Total [216/230] 93.9% :
I was thoroughly impressed with your writing the entire time I was reading. There are no over-all suggestions that I can give you to improve; there just wasn't anything I had a big problem with. If you touch up on the edges of everything to clean them up, you could be nearly perfect.
Great Job!


-- This has been an LC review on behalf of The Yanillian Library. Your work is of the highest quality and standard; this piece is now accepted into TYL. Well Done! --

06-Jan-2008 23:47:05 - Last edited on 06-Jan-2008 23:51:45 by Chuk

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks all for the bumps while I was gone, and thanks Chuklz for the in-depth review. Your words were very kind, yet you brought up a good number of points that I can pay attention to for future improvement. Top notch reviewing, indeed. I very much value your input!
I've fixed the punctuation errors that you pointed out (with my grateful thanks). I also have to heartily agree with the other points of criticism that you made, following a more in-depth followup of what you wrote. You have an unerring ability to sniff out the weakest points of my writing, which is very valuable indeed.
Finally, thanks for accepting this thread into the Library. I'm very pleased and honoured to be regarded as a sufficiently able short-story writer to make it in with this collection--not something I took for granted!
Dreamweaver

09-Jan-2008 07:01:18 - Last edited on 10-Jan-2008 18:39:08 by Dreamweaver

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