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ah, also notice that I am considering a point of Reldo's view: he does not wish to put much detail to the secondary stories, he just wants to enlist reasons and consequences that ended up on the Conflict of 1288 itself, which is the theme of his essay

Like some other passages of lore, mere mentions can be implied by the reader to learn whole new things which weren't even Reldo's intention to teach about. I rather not give all too much chewed

Instead I tried to encourage the reader to remember the lore already given by the game, analyzing the known facts to figure things out

(although in foot notes I tried to give them assistance on the remembering of the known facts, and what would be implied new for never being mentioned before by the game)

24-Feb-2013 22:20:40 - Last edited on 24-Feb-2013 22:57:12 by Pupppy II

25-Feb-2013 01:50:11

12-May-2013 06:37:51

Chapter 4 mentions rich people. Wealth is depleted from war, especially if it lasts thirty years. Then, the nobles hire bandits to protect their wealth? This is risky. Bandits would have no problem stealing from them. Historically, mercenaries sometimes turned on their hirers. Free Companies and Condotierri were famous for this, as well as France's Robber Barons (nobles who stole land from their king's country).

''duke Joan Whitechest organized the Golden Guard, made of hired mercenaries and noble knights.''
Joan is a woman's name, did you mean duchess?

''enough for the priests to be able to greatly hurt the vampyres''
So, this artifact wasn't working until the last moment?

Oh, hi Knark. His feedback is useful and important.

JAGEX made a silly thing that deforms quotation marks. To bypass the issue, just put two 's, so ' and ' together, ''.

As I mentioned in your other story, I do say and encourage your own way of making your stories. You are allowed to adjust anything as you see fit, there is no crime in doing so.

Knark mentions the issue about in-game lore. I also do not know in-game lore very much myself, because RuneScape is quite an overuse of clichés and simply forgettable, so it is important to include broad, detailed intros so that your audience knows what's going on immediately (or at least throughout the story). After all, note that we all think differently, so it is imperative that extra measures are described to best get the points across to the reader.

And there we go, thus I finished my review. I hope my feedback was helpful, my criticism focusing on the context of your story rather than the mechanics (Knark already did that for me). This story did have good ideas and subplots, however brevity is somewhat boring. This story could easily expand into novella-length if you're up to it, but then again the forums are basically dead nowadays.

That's all for now, I look forward to your next project.

12-May-2013 06:38:09

Thanks for the feedback

- changed to prologue

- ya I agree about the titles in real, but when we look at Duke Horacio of Lumbridge, we see the territory is still said as simply Misthalin.
Also notice that it does not say all 'feuds' had towns. As they held more wealth, they could advance from farms and simple forts to better castles and such

- about the 1000 men of the asgarnian army, you have to consider the country had just been formed, from tribes of humans who fought the tribes of goblins. There were no big towns to give them a lot of warriors, plus they would have lost many men to the previous war against the goblins

- about Seven Priestly Warriors: just took it from the game lore that humans could not hurt the vampyres before the lead of these heroes. They must have found a new power that the previous warriors did not know; but game does not yet say what was it; probably only on the myreque finale

- firstly, the nobles had no previous experience from the moral of the men of the north, being spoiled, they never went there themselves. Secondly, I'm guessing they considered the warriors as professional military men (mercenaries); not evil bandits who'd risk their safer jobs just for fun. [the guard was hired to patrol the northern streets to keep away the poorer people, not to investigate the inside of houses]

- um Joan is a girl name? :s Though Joanne was the french feminine of John, my bad. Does french have a masculine for it so I could change it?

- I considered the holy artifact was found by the 7 priests at the ruins of Saranthium; previous warriors did not possess it or its powers c:

- about in-game lore, again I tried to explain it at the footnotes. I don't think Reldo would be willing to explain things that did not directly influence the outcome of the Conflict of 1288, which is what he writes an essay about. But I am also too lazy haha!


~pupppy

13-May-2013 00:11:30 - Last edited on 13-May-2013 00:23:31 by Pupppy II

13-May-2013 03:43:42

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