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Well Told Tales
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Logan, could you, perhaps, give some feedback on this one?
I tried my best to make it as good English as possible, but, being a Dutchy doesn't make it easy. The feedback could be a very good help improving my skills in the English language
.
So, here goes nothing:
--The Meiyerditch Assault--
Zebeshiel Kru’llian was walking down the path to the main tent. This was getting out of hand. “The third attack in two days; don’t those bloodsuckers know when to stop?!”, he said to himself while he was approaching the quarters of the commander, master Jhallan. The Mahjarrat general always made him shiver a little whenever Zebeshiel was close to him. But, as it was, being a lieutenant in the Zamorakian Army, you had to report things to your superiors. And today, it was bad news. The Vyrewatch squads had attacked the forces of Zamorak again this morning, this time killing a few hundreds of them, including a mage. The Meiyerditch assault had turned out to be worse than expected, and Zamorak himself was getting restless of the little progress they made. Although the city walls were taken down, the castle was still standing firm on the hill. It was a crucial point in the battle: once they conquered the castle, the way to Phasmatys was fully open, and with that the domination of the Morytania region a fact.
Once he arrived at the tent, Zebeshiel walked to his general’s throne directly. He was having a conversation with several other generals, including the just arrived lord Lucien, Zamorak’s right hand. Extra troops were needed, and Lucien was known for his extraordinary necromancy skills. Skeleton warriors flooded the camp by thousands, and Lucien himself came and sent mages into the region beyond the bridge of Mort’ton. But Zebeshiel had no time to think of what may be happening at the other side of that bridge, he needed to tell Jhallan of the attack of the Vyrewatch.
I tried my best to make it as good English as possible, but, being a Dutchy doesn't make it easy. The feedback could be a very good help improving my skills in the English language
.
So, here goes nothing:
--The Meiyerditch Assault--
Zebeshiel Kru’llian was walking down the path to the main tent. This was getting out of hand. “The third attack in two days; don’t those bloodsuckers know when to stop?!”, he said to himself while he was approaching the quarters of the commander, master Jhallan. The Mahjarrat general always made him shiver a little whenever Zebeshiel was close to him. But, as it was, being a lieutenant in the Zamorakian Army, you had to report things to your superiors. And today, it was bad news. The Vyrewatch squads had attacked the forces of Zamorak again this morning, this time killing a few hundreds of them, including a mage. The Meiyerditch assault had turned out to be worse than expected, and Zamorak himself was getting restless of the little progress they made. Although the city walls were taken down, the castle was still standing firm on the hill. It was a crucial point in the battle: once they conquered the castle, the way to Phasmatys was fully open, and with that the domination of the Morytania region a fact.
Once he arrived at the tent, Zebeshiel walked to his general’s throne directly. He was having a conversation with several other generals, including the just arrived lord Lucien, Zamorak’s right hand. Extra troops were needed, and Lucien was known for his extraordinary necromancy skills. Skeleton warriors flooded the camp by thousands, and Lucien himself came and sent mages into the region beyond the bridge of Mort’ton. But Zebeshiel had no time to think of what may be happening at the other side of that bridge, he needed to tell Jhallan of the attack of the Vyrewatch.
12-Apr-2010 18:08:42
Zebeshiel bowed. “My lord, I…” he started, but Jhallan interrupted him: “I know of which you came here to speak. Lucien’s mage returned.” Zebeshiel turned his face, to see a man, clad in black and holding a staff, watching them from under his hood. “He saw the Vyrewatch assault, and was nearly killed. His companion, as you know, did*’t make it. However, nonetheless, they succeeded.” Jhallan stopped. “We will win the next battle, Kru’llian. I’m sure of it.” And with a smile on his ‘face’, Jhallan walked away.
Zebeshiel returned slowly to his own quarters. “They succeeded,” the general said. So it was true. The Barrows were unsealed. “Now things will get interesting”, thought the lieutenant, while he prepared himself for another assault.
Hope you liked it, thanks on beforehand
Zebeshiel returned slowly to his own quarters. “They succeeded,” the general said. So it was true. The Barrows were unsealed. “Now things will get interesting”, thought the lieutenant, while he prepared himself for another assault.
Hope you liked it, thanks on beforehand
12-Apr-2010 18:09:17
Thanks for the review Logan!
When I asked for you to not be too harsh in the last post, I just meant to not say something along the lines of 'it lacks description' or the such, when obviously I was being challenged to be under 400 words. You did account for that in your review so thank you.
Thank you for the semicolon tidbit, I never knew that. As far as commas go, I am terribly addicted to them (although I try to sound out what I am writing to prevent overdoing it too much) and I know that I may post a few unnecessary ones, so I ask you to please cope with them while reading my stories.
As for the introduction, I was trying to emphasize on how small his world seemed at the time. "He stood there (epic line here)" "He stood there (epic line here)" "He stood there (epic finishing line here)". I have gotten a few comments about this, so I may change it around and neglect using it until I know how to use it to its full potential. As for the repeating 'hearts' at the end, I saw that myself, but was too lazy at the time to come up with a word that meant the same as what I was trying to portray (soul and spirit just do not sound right to me).
Well, if you have read all this, thanks. I really appreciate the review as well. I hope to talk to you again soon.
May your words be the sharpest of Blades,
-Guthix Sigil
When I asked for you to not be too harsh in the last post, I just meant to not say something along the lines of 'it lacks description' or the such, when obviously I was being challenged to be under 400 words. You did account for that in your review so thank you.
Thank you for the semicolon tidbit, I never knew that. As far as commas go, I am terribly addicted to them (although I try to sound out what I am writing to prevent overdoing it too much) and I know that I may post a few unnecessary ones, so I ask you to please cope with them while reading my stories.
As for the introduction, I was trying to emphasize on how small his world seemed at the time. "He stood there (epic line here)" "He stood there (epic line here)" "He stood there (epic finishing line here)". I have gotten a few comments about this, so I may change it around and neglect using it until I know how to use it to its full potential. As for the repeating 'hearts' at the end, I saw that myself, but was too lazy at the time to come up with a word that meant the same as what I was trying to portray (soul and spirit just do not sound right to me).
Well, if you have read all this, thanks. I really appreciate the review as well. I hope to talk to you again soon.
May your words be the sharpest of Blades,
-Guthix Sigil
14-Apr-2010 01:39:25
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