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Dreamweaver
Aug
fmod Member
2003

Dreamweaver

Forum Moderator Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Logan, I still owe you some platitudes and words of encouragement on your excellent writing here, so I shall try to throw some stuff together in a few days! :)

All the best,

Dreamweaver

28-Apr-2010 05:46:28 - Last edited on 30-Apr-2010 06:32:34 by Dreamweaver

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"A sharp intake of breath was heard, but this did little to diminish his excitement. “I have it!” He announced."


AGGHHHHHHHH!!!

PASSIVE TENSE!! In a first-person story, nonetheless! D:

Okay, so that was a bit of an over-reaction, but I trust you got the point? Passive tense in general is bad; in first-person context, I did a triple-take, which you never want your reader doing unless it's some crazy event. Like killing off a main character or something, not just an gasp.

Anyway, as you can tell, I read synergy. I quite liked it. The beginning style where you started a new line with every sentence was a bit odd, but I got over that quickly enough. Also... if the creature wanted to get out the whole time, why didn't it just go out when the man came in? It seems the opening was likely there long enough, if I read correctly.

Also, there are a few places where you over-describe; I used to do this horribly, and am probably still pretty bad. It's not a big issue, but getting rid of it would be a slight improvement. I'm not going to point out any specific examples, but what I will say is this: if you're going to address this, I think the best way to start is write a rough draft. Then, while writing the final draft, try to cut out 5-10% of your words. This makes sure the stories aren't unnecessarily long or dry. The main thing you'd want to look to cut out tend to be adverbs and adjectives. Usually. Sometimes you can pull out whole sentences, depending on story length and style.

28-Apr-2010 09:28:49 - Last edited on 28-Apr-2010 09:30:16 by Chuk

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