forums.rs

Forums

Ten Knights in a Swamp

Quick find code: 49-50-6-63002113

of 4
YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,904 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This is a story I'm going to submit to TNG. I decided to post it early and see if I could get a bit of advice beforehand. It is still being edited.
What I've heard so far:
1. It should be clearer what the knights are doing in the swamp.
2. It should be clearer what happens next in the story.
____
“What did you expect? A school of rabbits?”
Ten knights huddled around a fire that felt colder than the river they'd just crossed. The speaker was the owner of said fire.
The swamp was silent. Normally that would be a mercy—Captain Vility feared the Lumbridge Marshes, and with good reason. But their host's words were much more frightening than any utterance to be heard from toad or rail.
Still, the knight felt there was one flaw in the old man's story. He decided to voice his doubts.
“You call it a warden, not a school.”
If looks could kill, the Captain was sure he would have died by now. His talent for poking holes in arguments had made him many enemies. But the old hermit's look was not one of annoyance, but of disdain. “Please. The warden is only the name of the rabbits' home, their network of burrows.”
The Captain's heart sank. “Really?”
The hermit nodded sagely. “I believe so.”
“Drat. But wait...wouldn't it be a flock of rabbits? Not a school?”
The man opened his mouth to respond, to be interrupted by Sir Kamvent. Kamvent was the Captain's right-hand man for his cunning, but he could be rather impatient at times. “Let's not get distracted here. Go on, old man.”
The hermit scowled, but continued. “Well, you knew Draynor was under attack. Did you expect a ward—er, school--”
“Flock.”
“Herd,” piped up another knight.
“Be quiet!* Sir Kamvent snapped. “Now, you're trying to tell us that Draynor was conquered?”
“And burned to the ground.”
The Captain frowned. “But...well, we had fifty knights there.”
“As I said. Did you expect Draynor to be attacked by a pack of sheep, perhaps?”
“It's a flock,” growled Sir Kamvent.

17-Jul-2011 17:38:21

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,904 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The Captain nodded approvingly. “He's right. And I just didn't expect the enemy to take such risks.”

“I grew up in Draynor,” said Sir Kamvent. “It's a good place to get rid of magical types. Between those who live there already and the tower, it gives access to a lot of them.”

“And the worms would love to remove such threats,” Captain Vility muttered. “Alright. It's clear we can't help them now. Back to Lumbridge.”

“You idiot.”

Sir Kamvent sighed. “Oh, of course. What's wrong, Piro?”

“Sir Apiro, to you.” The knight stood at the edge of the fire, sharpening a knife. He stood up, not sheathing the mithril blade. “Now, see here. Are we going to trust this idiot?” He jabbed his knife at the hermit. “This is Urhney we're talking about!”

“Father Urhney,” the Captain said tersely, “Is a highly-respected member of the Lumbridge community.”

Sir Apiro shook his head. Of all the knights there, he alone wore black armor-- marking him as one of the Kinshra, sworn rivals of the White Knights. “You think I'll trust an old vagrant? He's a worshiper of Saradomin, and that holds no weight with me! Maybe you're eager to abandon Draynor based on his testimony. Me, no. No. Lumbridge can survive a few days more.”

“I disagree,” said Urhney.

“Shut up!” Apiro said. “Nobody asked you!”

“I agree with Urhney,” Sir Kamvent said. He pointed to the night sky. *I think we've been gone too long.”

Sir Apiro looked up and nodded. “Good point. Vility?”

“Agreed.”

Above them flew a great black wyrm. On its back was a humanoid figure, his features hidden by the mist.

“I'll knife 'im,” Sir Apiro hissed. *Easy shot.”

“Don't,” said Sir Kamvent. “The dragon would survive to do us in. We have to get back and report to the men back home. If we hurry, we can still beat the attacking force.”

“Attacking--?”

“The dragonkin don't send about their riders *****-nilly. This is recon. We're going to have hell on our hands in a few days.”

17-Jul-2011 17:39:59

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,904 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“A few—hang on, hang on!” Captain Vility shook his head nervously. “We're a week yet from Lumbridge!”

“Not if we take the tunnels,” Sir Apiro said, smirking.

“Indeed.” Sir Kamvent picked up his backpack and quarterstaff. “While I hate to support one of Apiro's ideas, the tunnels are a quick route to the castle. Free of wyrms, free of quicksand...”

“...free of a lack of a mazelike structure...” the Captain interrupted, “...free of non-poisonous gases...”

“Would you rather deal with them?” Sir Kamvent pointed east at the departing scout.

The Captain was silent.

“Then it's settled. Pack up and move out. Thank you for your help.” Sir Kamvent bowed to Father Urhney.

“No problem, knights.” The man smiled absently.

“Damn dragons...” Captain Vility muttered. “If I get eaten by a wall beast, Kamvent, you're paying for the funeral.”

“I'll pay,” Sir Apiro said brightly. “It'd be for a good cause, I think.”

Captain Vility did not respond as he stalked out into the night.

“He's forgotten his gear,” Sir Apiro commented.

“And he's going the wrong way...” Sir Kamvent groaned. He ran after the Captain. “Vil! Get back here!”

Apiro chuckled. “A good night for adventure,” he said to the swamp. The other knights ignored him.

He pocketed Vility's gold purse and grinned at the Saradominists. “ Who wants to buy a candle? Only a thousand coins each.”
____

Hope y'enjoyed.

UPDATE: THIS WILL BE CONTINUED! :D

17-Jul-2011 17:41:02 - Last edited on 11-Aug-2011 03:54:36 by YuBiusk Ink

William Witt
Aug Member 2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I enjoyed this story... Although the fact that I am a fan of the Knights of Falador may have helped with that. :D

So, one thing... Is there actually any pun in Sir Apiro's name? I could not find a pun, and reading on and seeing that he was actually a Kinshra warrior seemed to justify that (as they are not known for pun names), but...

...*Is* there a pun that I am missing?
The Asgarnian ale must flow.

17-Jul-2011 19:41:03

William Witt
Aug Member 2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you for writing it! I was not feeling bad about not getting, it though, but thank you. :)

May I request further details on the reference to your friend? I assume it is a pun on the character name of this friend?
The Asgarnian ale must flow.

17-Jul-2011 21:00:00

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,904 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
It is. However, I've already received words from a guy about specifically naming other forumites in my stories, so it might be best to keep his identity quiet. Those who know him should know the reference. It's not a very clever pun.

17-Jul-2011 21:49:33 - Last edited on 17-Jul-2011 22:08:42 by YuBiusk Ink

The Level

The Level

Posts: 9,000 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sirapyro.

:3

"Ten knights huddled around a fire that felt colder than the river they'd just crossed." -- To be honest, this doesn't make sense.

It wasn't very clear in the story why there was a discussion on rabbits, and I couldn't distinguish whether there were actually rabbits attacking or if it just happened to be part of the phrase "What did you expect..." I also agree that you should elaborate on why the knights were in the swamp. I would also elaborate on why there seems to be a 'coalition' of knights, namely why a Black Knight is in the story.

That's about it; anyway, I found the dialogue quite witty and humorous.

=-= Level =-=

17-Jul-2011 22:41:07

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,904 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Those really are the things I worried most about. "Fun" Fact: I actually had that rabbit line as the first line that came to mind. I just wanted to write a story and was stumped for ideas.

I then built the rest of the story around it, but the line still doesn't exactly fit. :P

If I ever continued it, I'd explain NOTHING.

17-Jul-2011 22:48:38 - Last edited on 11-Aug-2011 03:54:00 by YuBiusk Ink

Quick find code: 49-50-6-63002113 Back to Top