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Azigarath

Azigarath

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The swordfight between the two brothers concludes that you don’t know much about actual swordplay. A stab can change direction, and when a stab does hit someone, there is no point pulling it out, it’s better to push it in farther to maximise damage.

“He breathes heavy and his vision begins to get blurrier and blurrier with every minute that passes.*
So he stands idle for a few minutes? You cannot bleed to death from a stab to the shoulder, especially if the sword can be pulled out effortlessly. Flesh wounds are non-lethal, and there is no major artery that runs through the shoulder. If Alfred wants to kill his brother, why can’t he just do it now?


*This combination of power causes a big explosion that could be seen and felt for miles, but everyone within a range of 1 mile is blown off their feet. Everyone quickly gets back on their feet and realize what just happened.”
Yet when Iban fought, a direct explosion caused him and Saradomin to fall over in pain, yet an explosion even larger, spanning for miles, is enough for everyone to get back up quickly?

“Dante slashes his sword at 2 Zamorak Knights and slashes their chests and kill them both.”
None of your characters know how to defend themselves?

“Stephanie points her bow in-front of her and pulls an arrow back and shoots, the arrow hits a Zamorak Knight in the back.”
The second arrow she fires, after all this time. Are the knights even wearing armour?

“It was indeed strange, but everyone continued, running and running as fast as they could.”
Yet some of them can teleport at will, but they choose to run? Stephanie chooses not to shoot any more arrows. They are running after a staff that can control many things, things that the gods cannot do, even though they created the world.

The boy kills the knights, Iban gets mad, and while Iban tries to kill the boy, the boy and Dante can chat.

A woman appears, evil, and a fight ensues. Stephanie does not notice a tower. She has a tendency to scream at Dante a lot.

06-Jun-2013 22:09:33

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“An Earth Wave was launched at Ravinius, he notices it at the last second and blocks it but just barely”
The same situation repeats several times. And how are these arrows and magic being blocked?

A few random characters appear, and are thanked by Saradomin. No more arrows are flying from the tower, unless I made a mistake.

“and pulls back an arrow” is put into every sentence about a drawn bow*

**, maybe I should stop commenting now, I’ll just read on and not worry too much anymore.

During a flashback, after a butler runs away in fear, a random figure pops out of nowhere to help. Your story is full of arbitrary scenes. The old man taunts Dante.

Dante and Stephanie talk.

There is only stammering for W and N letters. Alrous talks about destiny. Predictably, Dante accepts his offer. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that kind of scenario a thousand times in other novels, movies and games.

Dante follows Alrous. Dante throws a steel dagger he happens to have at a bush, and a werewolf jumps out, capable of running almost 70 kilometres an hour, and tries to claw Dante’s armour, but Dante blocks the claws rather than killing the werewolf. The werewolf can run as fast as a speeding car yet is not fast enough to get past Dante’s blocks. Dante grins, because he wants to smile and show his teeth as is often seen in anime/manga.

“and thrusts his sword into the beast's heart and kills it. He pulls his sword out and continues to run.”
There is no way you can thrust a sword through someone’s ribcage and then pull the blade out seemingly effortlessly. The blade would get stuck between the ribs.

“All the Werewolves jump at Dante, but a purple, shadowy fire burns them all and makes them turn into ashes.”
Your villains are always conveniently dispatched. Later, after pointless talking, Dante comes upon a massacre, ten dead people, which is not a number large enough to be a massacre. He is attacked by bandits.

06-Jun-2013 22:09:54

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“The snow was about 2 feet, and with every footstep a crunching sound is made.”
I already know that.

After talk of betrayal Dante is confronted by bandits who want to burn the castle, because stone is flammable even though there is two feet of snow and blizzards.

“stop and are thrown back at the throwers and impale them all in the head”
Impalement only occurs from long narrow objects, not blades, especially that of axes.

Dante summons miles of icy spears to kill several bandits.

“A lot of footstep noises echo though the night”
“footstep noises” is known as footfall.

“Seperadith, Reid, Jikvald know that those two are literally killing each other.”
Oh, really?

They fight the Dziban which suddenly appears inside a cabin, and it throws one into a wall of the cabin. If the Dziban can throw people into walls, why can’t it just strangulate them at will? It can also grow wings within a second. It is killed as fast as it appears.

Dante needs to shout Spears of Retribution to summon them, all of which fail completely because main characters are the target. Why can’t Dante continuously repeat the words?

“The more they kill, the more that come back to life.”
What if a corpse is beheaded, disembowelled, dismembered and quartered?

“Frederick launches a Air Wave at the titan, but his attack did absolutely nothing.”
But similar magic can hurt a god?

“Jikvald slices though all undead he sees by impaling them.”
Slicing is not impaling.

“100 Fire Waves, only 3x bigger”
Despite that, not one hits a main character? They just need to duck and they’re safe? Every time a character ducks, it is free of harm.

Dante whines like a baby and stabs Jikvald in the leg, even though he could have stabbed him anywhere else, or yell magic at him. You have very stupid characters. Dante yells immature dialogue and freezes some in time.

06-Jun-2013 22:10:19

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Stephanie shoots one arrow after all this time at Dante, in the shoulder, because the shoulder is always punished in this story.

Dante teleports into the snow and drags down Sep, because out of all the things he can do, he decides to do the least effective way to kill people, by dragging them into snow and calling people foolish idiots.

Contrary to what you see in movies, you can’t kick a sword out someone’s hand. For starters, the swordsman could just cut your leg open, and if you did kick the sword, the pommel and crossguard are in the way.

“Dante grabs her throat and throws her onto the ground and begins to choke her, she quickly reacts and kicks him in the back on his head and he lets go.”
How did she do that?

I get to the next chapter after five pages of bumps.

Stephanie remains sitting, she can’t roll to the side to get out of the way? No, she assumes it’s better to just sit there and do nothing.

“lighting crashes from the sky hits a pine tree and sets it on fire.”
Relevant to the story?

Dante’s father pops in out of nowhere, and his presence makes everyone scream. Dante fights his father, because every time a random person comes along there’s always a fight. Dante stabs Joshua’s stomach, mortally wounding him, and dies some seconds later.

“Shut up, you miserable witch. I'm tired of your worthless shouting.”
Well, it’s about time someone said that.

Dzibans and werewolves arrive, a few werewolves are killed effortlessly, and they fight each other and ignore the humans.

I have a feeling Dante is possessed by the staff, Alrous.

“He hits the snow covered ground with heavy impact. “Frederick, you alright?” Reid asked. “Yeah, I'm alright.” he answered.”
Snow is soft, how could Reid ask such a stupid question?

Dante and Ravinius fight, and despite the snow, and despite holding a great sword, Dante needs to do a backflip to avoid a dagger.

06-Jun-2013 22:10:49

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Onto chapter twenty, more random characters come to fight. Arrows are blocked repeatedly.

“absolutely nothing” repeats too often.

There is nothing “ugh” about this chapter, I hate it when warnings lie.

Prince Dante runs around, I think in the past or something.

An epilogue is not a chapter.

“Lrod Glauthix nes chosa tlen lew mater for Tlen Saff lo Amius, tair mis Denet Belelorhpoe”
Is not a language, it’s rephrased English.

An assassin appears, smiles, and disappears. Apparently, Zamorak wants to send vampires. Randomly, laughter sounds, and Dante panics. More smirking and silly combat.

The vampire can run fifty miles an hour, yet ends up stabbed by Dante. Enyo dies and Dante cries.

“Dante opens a portal and walks into it, his castle disappears with him.”
Huh? He could do that all along?

And it is revealed Dante was possessed by the staff, how come I’m not surprised? The story ends with some sort of speech.

Overall, the story utilises the same scenario over and over again, generally random characters who hop in and out pointlessly and all this revolves around Dante and the end of the world. This kind of setting is overused. I personally could not take the story seriously, but hopefully my commentary is proof for you that I read the story.

Of course this is an old story, made during a time when we were all young. In your age back then, the story is an accomplishment, and your story is evident of emotion behind the story’s production, and there was a lot of love put into the story. An adventure full of diverse characters, the story shows how comradeship can falter from sorrow and other personal issues, and lead to problems of larger scale.

I’ll probably be able to look at your other stories in full within the next two months or so, if I have the energy anyways.

06-Jun-2013 22:11:13

Serene End
Jul Member 2020

Serene End

Posts: 5,834 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Oh boy, I am so glad I checked on my stories today! xD

''*Seperadith, Reid, Jikvald know that those two are literally killing each other.''
Oh, really?''

^this part got me so hard. xD

Goodness, I do think that was probably the funniest thing I've read in a long time. No, this doesn't mean I didn't take your words seriously. This means that I sincerely think that everything you said was mostly true. There are a few things I could argue, but considering the age of this story... well, it earnestly doesn't matter. O_o

I mean, the story's almost five years old. But you are right, this story was and still very much is an accomplishment. There are several things in my life that I would be deprived of without it. Now, I've faced criticism before. So, before you start throwing balls of typing criticism -- take note that I have absolutely no prior knowledge of how to use punctuation and the like. I never really went to school so I really have no idea how to use most punctuation. I kinda just taught myself everything I know about writing. I have intentions of buying books regarding the subject once I can. But I haven't been able to nab a job yet, so... yeah! I'm stuck. o_o

I appreciate you taking time out of your life to read this story. Although as anyone can deduct, you seem like you didn't enjoy at all. Even going as far as saying you couldn't take it seriously. I understand this. And before you start to say anything, note that all of my stories of sort of young adults at the helm. As a good friend said to me once, people can relate more to a character if they are close to or are the same age.

I did enjoy reading through what you had to say. Like I say, some of which I could argue. But I can sit down and take it. It wouldn't be the first time. So anyway, thanks again!

…,.»·•º°°º•·«.,…,.•*´¨¨†hë ènd îš ønlÿ †hè ßègïnnïng,…,„.«•*¨`*•.,..
The end
is only
the beginning...

08-Jun-2013 17:02:46 - Last edited on 08-Jun-2013 17:03:21 by Serene End

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
It’s about time you replied, I was beginning to get lonely. Whenever I post something, I expect a reply within 24 hours, at least! Otherwise, expect me smashing through your window with an ax in hand.

Anyways, you’re welcome, and I’m glad you enjoyed my feedback, but I was expecting you to prove me wrong with a little more backbone than that, you are more than welcome to show me where I did wrong. Most of the comments are questions because I make minor assertion that I am right, as I am open to change my mind if I am wrong.

And I foolishly forgot to comment about the mechanics of the story. The spelling was relatively fine, so mechanically, there was nothing seriously wrong. The story was easy to read, and although I did not enjoy it, I had no problem going through it, either. Enjoyment often leads to bias, after all, so I try to limit my enjoyment as much as I can whenever I read anything.

However, I would disagree that regardless of age, it is still worthwhile for authors to reflect about their earliest work. I have an older story, almost four years old, that I’ve updated four times even though no-one has read it for a long time. I feel that personal competition is what makes an author grow as an artist. I feel that my biggest mistake was when I deleted my earliest stories years ago. How much young imagination did I lose from that? How much could I have had relived if I kept them? It is always important to hang onto our routes.

Oh, and lastly, be careful about “sitting out.” It is certainly humble, but we all must make a stand for ourselves, too.

Well, that’s all for now, I am hoping to read through all your other stories within two months, just in case RS shuts down or something.

08-Jun-2013 23:56:51 - Last edited on 08-Jun-2013 23:57:33 by Azigarath

Serene End
Jul Member 2020

Serene End

Posts: 5,834 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Oh, I do apologize. I was aware of your posting a bit after you had actually posted. But well, certain things kept me from replying back to you! ...And I'll attempt to forget that ax comment...

And you needn't worry, friend. Should you go about doing the same thing to more of my modern day works, I'll be sure to become a lot more defensive! Because in truth, I can't exactly excuse a lot of the cliché and rather meaninglessly drawn out parts as it's not shaped more into how I go about now. So, I'm not going to attempt a defense. But I'll certainly try more on probably my third story, excuse my fourth one, and go all out on my fifth one.

And it certainly wouldn't be the first time that I'd take up arms. And I'm not ashamed of my older works, because as I've said... I would be without a lot of things if I hadn't had the idea of writing them in the first place.

I've always had the desire to run back and redo this story. But I'm not exactly one to work on multiple stories at once, but I'm finally getting the hang of it. I've certainly got three, I believe. One here, another in a different place and one that will probably just stay on my WordPad. :P

I do reflect a lot as there's plenty to be gained from looking back. But again, I do wish to thank you again. There's a lot to be learned from the thoughts and criticisms of others floating in the same boat as me.

I'm glad to hear that it wasn't horrible, reading wise. It's probably one of my biggest worries. xD And now I would return the favor. But frankly, I hate reading! (yes, I'm more of the blunt ''I need picture plz'' person.) But I'll look into yours and attempt to give it a go. I know I can get into a story through reading if it hits all the right notes.

…,.»·•º°°º•·«.,…,.•*´¨¨†hë ènd îš ønlÿ †hè ßègïnnïng,…,„.«•*¨`*•.,..
The end
is only
the beginning...

09-Jun-2013 17:03:15 - Last edited on 09-Jun-2013 17:08:20 by Serene End

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