“Hours later, the sun rises marking the day of the ambush. Dante opens his eyes and sits up, he unlocks his door and opens his door and walks out and shuts the door behind him. Frederick and Stephanie see Dante and wave to him. Dante walks over, he pulls his chair out and sits down in his chair.”
I can kind of already assume many of these things. I don’t need to be told that a door needs to be unlocked, opened and then closed for a character to just walk through. For the last sentence, “Dante sat down” is good enough for me.
“They quickly get ready and burst their doors open and see that they got ambushed.”
So, twenty knights simply walk into an enemy castle? I suppose your heroes can do the same, seeing as there are no scouts, no-one on the battlements, no-one even looking through a window, and the castle doesn’t even have an outer and inner wall.
“The Knights move to the side and Iban walks towards the three with a smile on his face, he continues to clap as he walks.”
Why is Iban clapping? This makes him a villain for a cartoon more than anything else. When his name is spoken, he calls Dante a cur. Whenever people say my name, I’m not offended and start name-calling.
“”Take them to Lord Zamorak where their judgment will be casted.””
The Zamorak Knights listen and obey his command and tie Dante, Stephanie, and Frederick to 3 wooden logs and they take them to Zamorak's castle.”
What for? Couldn’t they just kill your heroes and move on? Why did they ambush a castle just to kidnap a few people? Tying someone against a log is unnecessary, seeing as there’s just more weight to carry.
Then the next chapter comes, and two gods randomly make their appearance amidst silly dialogue. The gods come alone, none of their followers are present, even though castles and 11,000 rebels were mentioned.
06-Jun-2013 22:08:42
