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RoM Book 1: Chasm

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Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Comments:
>He shrugged and returned his attention to the path, avoiding the reaching roots of the trees that snaked along the path, threatening to trip a careless traveler walking through the depths of the forest.
This is a beautifully subtle way of tying into the prologue, and tipping off the reader as to what’s about to happen. Basically, it’s a gorgeous transition the caliber of which I’ve never consciously encountered before. Well done :) ____
Right when the cool stuff starts happening, a few paragraphs before Chapter 3, you lost me. A hallway appears from nowhere in a small hut and no one reacts at all? It took me several readings to make sure that I hadn’t missed something. You need a transition – a reaction as the hall appears, an action of Brandon’s that makes it appear – something. Also, the fantastic description of the rest of the story kind of falls off in the mirror and light chamber. I did*’t have a very good image of what went on in there – I felt like you were flying through a section that you should’ve taken your time on.
Lorehound
through and through.

11-Dec-2009 06:04:42

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Corrections:
>Under the cover of darkness, she warbled her sweet melody up to the star-filled, dark blue sky, which was marred only by the obscuring cloud.
Should be ‘an obscuring’, not *the’, unless I’m misinterpreting your meaning.
>The man gasped; hope filling him for the first time that night
The semicolon should be a comma
>It was wreathed in darkness, clothed with despair and a gray hood fell over its brow, just barely revealing two red eyes that burned cruelty and malice.
Consider ‘burned –with- cruelty and malice’
> His irises glazed over from the mixed affect of pain that results from running too hard for too long and the fear the Shadow inspired in his heart.
The first half of this sentence could be said with ‘fatigue’ – no need to be wordy.
>It should suffice for at least two days.
‘suffice’ sounds strange both in dialog, and in that context of use.
>The road ran parallel with one small hut, which was Cadoc’s destination.
Consider ‘ran parallel to’, and eliminating ‘which was’. It’s not incorrect, but it’s acceptable to omit them and helps the flow a lot.
>“It’s Cadoc, sir,” Cadoc said…
It’s acceptable to use a pronoun that refers to a noun that is in dialog immediately preceding it. Breaks flow to say Cadoc twice with just a word in between.
>The dark figure stared out from the shadows and hissed, slowly and evilly.
The adjective ‘evilly’ is entirely unnecessary.
>"What was the object you threw, and what was the tip of your arrow made of?"
This is phrased too formally and concisely for dialog. Consider rephrasing.
>He ascended one of the small hills that bordered the town, and followed Ruben down the hill.
My issue is with ‘down the hill’ – if he’s going down, he has to be going down the hill. You also want to avoid the repetition of ‘hill’. Consider something like ‘…followed Ruben down towards –home/their destination/Brandon’s hut-’
Lorehound
through and through.

11-Dec-2009 06:04:58

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
There ya go. Hope you get something from it. Now, I tell this to everyone, but I *really* enjoyed your story - I think you have real talent, and should definitely keep writing and improving :)
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

11-Dec-2009 06:06:28

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