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Pigwig70
Nov Member 2020

Pigwig70

Posts: 5,682 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
i know i'm not reviewing your story (as much as i'd like to, you'd probably get into the hall of godly stories) but here's something
P 25
The bear hide the ground at my side hard
"hit" maybe?

i'm on page 27. The qfc for my review is: 49-50-116-58482241, so if you wanted a review... you'd probably get a really good one :)
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Page 27:
muse d
"Mused" It's about the third post down
page 27:
Purgatory for fifty long years (zamarock speaking)
fifty long years? How bout fifty thousand? He's a god for god's sake! fifty years would probably be a blink of an eye for him...
Don't worry. This is some off duty buffering. It won't affect your review
Saradomin pushed away. “Oh you so did not even-” She said, sounding childish
I loved this! It captures the moment perfectly! I can imagin her so well! :D

19-Mar-2009 18:22:18 - Last edited on 21-Mar-2009 14:30:23 by Pigwig70

Pigwig70
Nov Member 2020

Pigwig70

Posts: 5,682 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
so that's it? Is it over?? AWW COME ON! (noob just killed... you know who on the bottom of page 27) You could have at least put one last chapter where noob wakes up and then decides he doesn't want to be king anymore, that the respnsibility would be too much! Come on! :(

21-Mar-2009 14:35:09 - Last edited on 21-Mar-2009 14:36:18 by Pigwig70

Jayaster

Jayaster

Posts: 495 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
<33333333333333 OERO!!!!! Well done Light ^.^!!! Bravo! t'was truely an amazing chapter ^.^! And not too many errors, pigwig i see has pointed out some but left out a few confusing sentances. Change these if u wish: ERRORS:
and Saradomin will release ground troops to dispatch the machines. That’s everyone else’s job: defend the rigs until the gliders can be launched.- you say this twice on page 24 in 2 different posts.
Finally we reached the tree line. I ordered the halt of the army. Sudden silence came with shocked me.- think this was page 24 "The sudden silence it came with shocked me" would make more sense.
Inside were a small table and some chairs that I sat one.- page 25 sentence doesn’t make sense.
until we came upon the end of one of the halls. There was a wooden door with a burning torch lighting it that was strange. - page 25 “it that* it or that which one =p
beginning where we saw empty cells that made up some of the dungeon. Passing on both sides we small cells that prisoners were kept in.- were small cells.
“Your middle name is SUZANNE!?!?”- whats wrong with the middle name suzanne?! thats my middle name thank you very much!
Amazing Story ^.^!!!I must say though i rather liked Saradomin, even though i am a Zamorak follower.I have an odd liking for the dark side:Grievous,Bleck,Sara,Evil Bob
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And Pigwig70
"'Purgatory for fifty long years' (zamarock speaking)
fifty long years? How bout fifty thousand? He's a god for god's sake! fifty years would probably be a blink of an eye for him..."
Well at the beggining of season 4 they said how Saradomin had been in power for 50 years. Therefore he had only been in prison fifty years. To make it 50 thousand years would be a pretty big mistake unless light changes the begining of season 4.
Also pigwig. That was day 98 i believe. Light said he is writing 100 days unless he has decided that 99 and 100 are no longer needed to complete the story =p

21-Mar-2009 17:41:36 - Last edited on 21-Mar-2009 19:00:39 by Jayaster

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