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Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay, I thought I saw something about 30 reserves, but I don't see it anymore. I hope I'm not interrupting them. If so, I humbly apologize.

This'll suffice as a bookmark. I should have full comments by this time tomorrow at the latest.

And "attempted school shooting" in the first post, instead of "attempting" or am I missing something?

17-May-2011 06:31:22 - Last edited on 17-May-2011 06:32:12 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I'm just gonna be posting thoughts as I come across them through the story. No real organization here at first.

"lentitudinous" - I have no idea what this is as a sophomore at college. I doubt any but the most bookish bookworm would have any idea in high school. I couldn't even find it on the dictionary website. Is it perhaps a typo?

"accoutrement" - Again, a bit of advanced vocabulary for something targeting high school students.

Well it seems the verbosity stops after the initial two posts, which is good. It's the biggest problem I've had with your writing in the past. I consider myself well above average in knowledge of vocabulary, and if I can't understand it as a sophomore in college, probably 90% of my peers wouldn't be able to either, and 90% of those wouldn't bother picking up a dictionary to figure it out. Rather, they'd just go look for something easier to read.

I noticed one main inconsistency that stood out at me: the characterization of Mrs. Mendelsen. Right after her introduction, you write that she is 'annoyed'. But then a paragraph later, she seems like all annoyance is gone and she's a kindly lady who's more than happy to help out the students. That seemed a bit odd and out of place.

Then there are a few places where your wording seems awkward. One I remember is at the end where Steven 'managed' to overhear the conversation. That makes it sound like he was eavesdropping, which I'm not sure was your intent. Another is Mrs. Mendelsen 'doing he same thing to the rest of the students' or something very similar, which should certainly be 'for the rest of the students', as she's creating their schedules, which isn't actually doing anything to them.

There are more of these, which are almost all very minor, just tiny hiccups in the story. Most are like the 'managed' thing, and entirely subjective. A few are like the to/for thing, and should probably be considered incorrect, and be fixed.

18-May-2011 00:54:30 - Last edited on 18-May-2011 08:28:26 by Chuk

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Just stopped by to read and comment, since I wasn't sure what to do or if I was expected to do something.
Seventh post, fourth paragraph, was unusually attractive to read for some reason.

Anyways, I read the story from beginning to end, though I don't know what the story is trying to tell me.

I think that Steven's schedule goes around the school shooters' targeted spot in the school. Honestly, if your first post did not mention a possible school shooting, I never would have guessed for them to be school shooters. I'm assuming that the two men near the end are the school shooters.

Also, it looks like that as the shooting is about to take place, the students are all bored, dull and uninterested in things, and the school shooters want to make everyone confused before lunch when the students would least expect anything, I think.

The first few posts sometimes felt a bit wordy in some sentences.
Well, other than that, the message is, I think, that the past can reflect the future. So in this case, the message is to show the motives of someone for the future.

As for suggestions, I'm not sure if an author like me should think about offering you suggestions. Well, if I happened to be you and you were me, I would have made the story an additional several posts describing the school shooters' intentions, motives and overall message.

I would also include, by complete coincidence, another pair of school shooters whom happened to have similar motives who also happened to be at the school the same day as the previous school shooters. I would have made the story depict that one pair would end up shooting at students, and the other pair at the same time end up shooting the first pair of school shooters, thus becoming unintentional heroes.

After that, I'd end the story leaving the reader thinking if the supposedly heroic school shooters would then target the students next, or perhaps think of reconciliation about their attempted actions.

18-May-2011 00:56:02

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
So yeah, that's all I have to say really. I may not have been able to catch a hidden message or some sort of indirect metaphor or something else like that, so what I had to say solely reflects what I know and feel about the story for the time being only.

Hopefully this was at least worthwhile to read and had some value.
Yes, that's all for now. Until next time.



woops, sorry for breaking your posts in half, iCh. :/

18-May-2011 00:56:12 - Last edited on 19-May-2011 01:28:22 by Azigarath

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
-continued from above-

There's a possibility the new students' nervousness and uncomfortableness is overdone. I'm not entirely sure, as I've lived in the same small town my entire life, so I've never been to a high school anywhere near that large, nor have I switched schools, except from elementary to middle to high school, and I kept all friendships and acquaintances, so they weren't very disruptive.

I can't say much about the characterization of your (I assume) main character, Steven, as thus far there's not much about him. Likewise, this almost seems like backstory or prologue, so I can't think of anything offhand to discuss relating to plot.

Once I got past the initial verbosity, I found the story engaging enough to keep me reading; I was never particularly tempted to stop and find something more entertaining to do.

Can't think of anything else. If there's something else you want my opinion on, please let me know. ^_^ And of course, ask about anything I stated.

18-May-2011 08:32:08

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
iChuck,

Thank you for the feedback. It is always rewarding to receive genuine input from a reader.

The story is organized in a way that has a pretentious narrator explaining a set of students at school explaining a high school setting. This is why the first two posts, which are the narrator, are more complex than the rest of the chapter.

I am thinking of having each chapter divided into a similar style, so that there I always this sort of disconnect between the story that's being told and the story that the students are telling. There is, of course, a purpose for this; I plan on including a slight twist in the end.

With regards to Mrs Mendelsen, I appreciate your feedback. I'll look into trying to calm down her mood changes so that they're not so distractingly extreme.

With regards to the nervousness of the new students and the overexaggerated emotions, I don't know. I attended one of the largest secondary schools in the midwest; we had hundreds of new students every year, and a sense of overwhelming emotion was always the impression that I got observing them. This might be why I don' find it that odd.

I'll also take a closer look at some of the wordings you pointed out. I think that English is cursed with the colloquialisation of prepositions, but I'll see if some sense of propriety is not lost by my choices.

09-Jun-2011 20:33:27 - Last edited on 09-Jun-2011 20:33:38 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Azigarath,

Thanks for your input, too. Your suggestions are interesting -- especially those concerning where you would make the plot head -- and though I don't have those direct things in my current plans for the story, I wouldn't dare to disqualify your ideas. They're very interesting and the coincidence I'm rather fond of. A rather big fan of Hugo, known as the King of Coincidence (or perhaps such an equivalent in his French tongue), I never hesitate to consider the inclusion of such an interesting twist of fate.

The first two posts were much more wordy than the remainder of the story, so don't feel odd at having picked this up. I tried to exaggerate the difference in style.

09-Jun-2011 21:14:38

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay, I didn't pick up on the two separate narrator ideas at all. I don't know if that was your intent, if I just overlooked something important, or if there might be something you want to change to illuminate the distinction.

Like I said about the school thing, I'm not really in a place to judge, but I thought I'd mention it.

09-Jun-2011 21:17:25 - Last edited on 06-Jul-2011 10:09:06 by Chuk

Old Gnomish
Jul Member 2023

Old Gnomish

Posts: 2,569 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Another great story. Not really got that much to say as Chuk and Az seem to have recognized any potential problems with the story. I would only agree in that the narrative is inconsistent; perhaps the beginning was somewhat more strenuous to read than the rest of the story but other than it is very well-written.

Oh, and I'm mainly posting as this was four pages away from the Page 51 monster and no good works deserve to end up there.
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30-Jan-2012 17:01:14 - Last edited on 04-Feb-2012 17:51:32 by Old Gnomish

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