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A Mad Hatter
Dec
fmod Member
2005

A Mad Hatter

Forum Moderator Posts: 9,861 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
*crashes longboat into thread once more*

I come bearing a message. It reads...*pulls out scroll*..."cool story bro".

:P

No, seriously. It had a silent hill feeling to it imo...which is always welcome considering the happy go lucky noob story crap that keeps getting posted/bumped on a daily basis around here >.<

*sails longboat away while laughing maniacally*
^+^ Antediluvian of the Draculesti Bloodline ^+^

^+^ If the Gods see fit to curse us with the Blood, then we shall raise ourselves above them ^+^

16-Feb-2011 03:04:38

[#R4EOGJ2FY]

[#R4EOGJ2FY]

Posts: 12,165 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I've read up to chapter two, and here are my comments so far.

1. I like the plot. It seems set up for that one thing that's going to go wrong, and lear's going to be trapped in the tunnels.

2. The flow seems a bit awkward, and choppy at times. Paragraphs are broken up in awkward ways, dialogue is inserted strangely into the middle of the paragraphs, and some of it is just a bit wierd-sounding when read.

3. I felt that the first chapter moved a bit fast. They traveled across the island fairly quickly, and I just felt that more could be done with the scene. Also, what I think might be interesting is to have a prologue, which give some insight into the crew's disappearance or simply describe Lear's trip from Port Sarim.

All in all, I like it so far, and look forward to reading more!

25-Feb-2011 12:50:48

Baron Ogre

Baron Ogre

Posts: 18,957 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
It is a horror, things tend to go wrong. :P

Any particular bits that stood out? I'd like to know so I could avoid it in the future.

Strange. I figured most people wouldn't care much about the... 'boring' bits. I planned to have a prologue, but since it was such a short story anyway I decided against it. When I make a follow up I'll keep this in mind.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated.

28-Feb-2011 16:27:34 - Last edited on 28-Feb-2011 16:27:44 by Baron Ogre

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