forums.rs

Forums

The Nature of Sin

Quick find code: 49-50-390-63790726

of 7
Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Shift 8 and typos are such a pain. I've literary read and reread pages of my stories and only found typos sometimes several weeks later. It looks like that when we implant the story in our heads it's a bit harder for us to notice then. I didn't even notice the hear/here typo. As for grammar, I make the same mistakes myself, but I am also becoming more and more flexible about it. Besides, as long as the 'point' gets across it's good enough for me.
And I've noticed a mistake in my feedback. If the church is wealthy, it may take the liberty to pay for stone roads and general improvement, as the church also owned land too and anyone would appreciate it.
W*kipedia is a good start for research, but the documentaries I mentioned are even better because you can SEE what is going on, which is so much better than words on a screen. Published books are your best resources, but I don't even spend a few hundred bucks on books just for information I can find for free on the internet.
myarmoury is a good website, too.

19-Jun-2012 01:22:53

Cyun

Cyun

Posts: 2,389 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I've made some small changes throughout all of the chapters I have done based on your advice. I hope I have interpreted them properly and improved it. The description's wordiness I have kept, although I have added numerous insightful sentences to each paragraph to reinstate the themes and add weight to the words. I've also corrected all of the historical inaccuracies, and to add a bit more realism, I've added some bits in the village market scene, to make things a little less idyllic.
"The sheer disorder and chaotic discordance reminded Ranulf of a trodden ant*s nest as the villagers swarmed furiously, and broke out into bellows of ire as they discovered one less potato than bargained for. Ostentatious and gaudy outbreaks of guffawing exploded amidst the crowd, with groups of bodies toppling over in the dash to get the better cut of putrid meat."
I have tried to put Ranulf's thoughts a little more at place with the description, such as:
"Ranulf thought about his intentions for this. Langley was never so polite. Then he came down to it, yes. Food for gossip, not worry. The damned villagers were suckling upon the titbits of excitement in this warless land."
Unfortunatly I couldn't adopt all of the things you have brought up Azigarath, as some of the things would do too much radical change to the plot. The negativity seen with the Church needs to be illustrated for the story to work, I can't have Bishop Norman suddenly break out of his greed and sadistic personality, as if Scrooge-like and decide to put upon a feast to convert people. The fact of little conflict from Viking invaders or similar needs to stay the same also I'm afraid, but I have tried to explain why (see below).

21-Jun-2012 20:23:10

Cyun

Cyun

Posts: 2,389 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Aubrey Norman was incredibly rich. The Church was incredibly rich. Filthily rich. This was due to the stagnation of a warless and isolated position of Ashdown. Beyond Leofore woods were an expanse of foetid swamp, stretching up to the roaring cliffs on the edge of this land. Visitors came very little, and only then they were noblemen wishing to address the Duke. This lead to a number of years whereby the Vikings and the Scots did little warring in these parts and preferred to do battle on better and more prosperous land. If the Vikings ever caught the wind of the ocean and birds that such a mound of wealth were pocketed away in this obscure little bit of land, it would be a very different story."
I know it is twisting the rule book slightly, but it is the only way I deem fit to still keep the plot intact yet improve the historical validity. It also tries to explain why there was so little defiance or retaliation to Cecile, as the villagers are inexperienced in war and have no need to prepare themselves in the little warless haven that is Ashdown. I suppose it is similar to The Shire in The Lord of the Rings. Although, like The Shire, a little organised conflict will happen at a later stage.
For Mr Drüzzelastôz, I might need a little more help in order to re-do all of his lines.
P.S: Drüzzelastôz appears to have black eyes, it may not be literal but it is there for effect. Rowling does a similar thing with Serverus Snape.

21-Jun-2012 20:33:46 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2012 20:39:34 by Cyun

Cyun

Cyun

Posts: 2,389 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~ Chapter Nine ~

Lady Leofore sat rather peacefully upon a charred canon, its black head protruding from the lofty battlements. Her silky white blossom dress quavered in the highland winds and twirled around her elegant body, whirling and flapping in the scarlet sundown. Such a juxtaposed scene of bravura beauty perched upon the repulsive and pugnacious stone and metal, built for war and barbarianism. She was a lone moorland flower, slim and resilient, battling the harsh elements that wished to tread upon her.
The shimmering rubicund sky glared at her and casted a murky shadow, cloaking the sea of trees that lapped up to the sides of the stone. Further down the western inner curtain of the castle patrolled a silent guard, sauntering sluggishly and paying no attention to Sirena. How she felt alien and stranded in the setting such as this, and, more profoundly, she felt utterly alone. Her ears popped suddenly in an updraft of wind and she suddenly broke into a fervent wail out across the land. It was impeccably and terribly striking, her voice reverberating the bleak walls and the tune lifted in the wind, carrying it afar back down into the village. Drawn out yet compellingly powerful she sung, and it seemed to dissolve the guard’s shell of intimacy, as his heart leapt and pirouetted in the encircling breeze. He looked across to her, and she out towards the vast outstretch of earth and the sinking sun. Minutes passed, her coming to an end, when the molten ball finally slipped behind the silhouette of the horizon. It went exceedingly dark all of a sudden.

09-Jul-2012 11:53:44 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2012 12:19:44 by Cyun

Cyun

Cyun

Posts: 2,389 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
An abrupt whir shot out from an unknown site, a single arrow, cruelly crafted and barbed raced towards the guard and imbedded itself into his throat from behind, poking its gory thorn out from the other side. He gurgled thick blood and it dribbled from the cusps of his trembling mouth, before he collapsed and tumbled down from the battlements, flailing and smashing into the wall until finally thudding to a halt down by the river in a sickening crunch. Lady Sirena whirled around and looked upon his taciturn face as he toppled from the side. Her exacting song flipped into a piercing and excruciating scream. A second guard sped out from a side door, and ran over to where his fellow had dropped. The sight disturbed him, and he looked up out across the gloomy land, to see a snake of flickering torches, of around thirty, like angry fireflies marching towards the village.
Now many guards had followed, and one of them sprinted up to a large horn on the southern wall and blew it, a long deep bellow that shook the very foundations of the buildings and bones of their inhabitants. Soldiers erupted equipped for war in a matter of moments like furious ants, thundering through passageways and out of slamming doors in a mad hurry. Sirena dipped between the flurries of men down below, racing towards her father from the news of invaders.

Ranulf was eating the last of the deer with Odin when the roar of the old war horn hollered in the distance. They both looked at each other in sheer shock and fear, and Odin jumped up, reaching for the mace upon the wall. Cries of babies and wails of women jarred outside, and a hurrying man poked his face through the window of their house and cried something about Pict invaders from the north.
“No father, you must flee at once!”
“I shall do no such thing! I will help!”
“Please… get away from here at once, you can half stand.” Odin realised himself as if in the mirror of the shiny black weapon, and he passed it, a slumping mace club to Ranulf.

09-Jul-2012 11:54:57

Cyun

Cyun

Posts: 2,389 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Fine, here she is then, in your hands this time.” He placed the cumbersome metal into his son’s hands. Odin had been released of its weight both physically and mentally, and he stooped less as he stood.
“Thank you father, I do not wish to lose you.”
“And nor I you. Where would you wish for me to go?” Ranulf pondered this for a split second.
“Fringart Cave, go there at once, it will be away from conflict at the gates.”
“Bah. Alright then. I hate to leave the field of battle; you cut out my pride Ranulf”
“And keep your life.”
“Aye. Good luck, I expect Scottish jam for breakfast.” He cackled, and with that, the crippled man hobbled to get his cloak and disappeared through the door and into the back woods.
Ranulf soon followed, and he went swiftly on to the main road. All around him was sheer chaos and unorganised rabble. Men, moreover boys, pulled from their homes by the retreating Duke's guard, some with women’s voices and strength to match, hardly lifting their weapons passed on by the parents whom had much more experience. Old men, younger than Odin appeared brandishing swords and words, glaring out towards the closed gates. The women and babes were soon shoved into small boats upon the Ryhne, and they one by one sped off down it, leaving their brothers, fathers, sons and husbands behind. All around, business became war. Suddenly, the innocence was lost in fury, a tribal instinctive hate fuelled over land, mere dirt. The Church men were no place seen, opting for prayer. Smithies roared swinging their most heaviest hammers, farmers yelled with fury, choosing their biggest and sharpest scythes and sickles, the fishermen, retrieving all manner of sharp tools, fit for piercing man flesh.

09-Jul-2012 11:56:05 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2012 12:26:01 by Cyun

Cyun

Cyun

Posts: 2,389 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Ranulf spotted Wiglaf and Ferewin jumping out from their door, wielding axes. He ran over to them, Wiglaf patting him strongly upon the shoulder.
“It is time for us to defend our wholesome lands at last, my dear friend!”
“Aye that it is, come, I’ve heard of at least thirty. How many will come under mercy of your axe?”
“Is that all? They must be some stragglers, cowards, escaped from the wars in the North! And your mace, well, let us see!" His beloved kin grinned with glee amid the hellish torches and screaming. “Come; let us traverse to the gates.”

09-Jul-2012 11:56:45 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2012 12:07:29 by Cyun

Archmage Fel

Archmage Fel

Posts: 741 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
==> Begin re-reading.
You begin to read this script on your desk.
It's written in a elegant and very curved script, making it a read that narrates in your mind like a man from the 1700's is reading to you.
You've read this before, but only slightly, the script giving you more trouble than first believed you thought it would.
But that doesn't matter. You read it anyways.

You have to improve your vocabulary somehow.

13-Jul-2012 16:07:11

Quick find code: 49-50-390-63790726 Back to Top