RuneScape Forum Archive | The Nature of Sin

Yrolg

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I will continue to read the piece and compare my original thoughts with my reactions as they occur.
I don't say that the excess of prolix is a disservice to the reader; I think it is a disservice to the piece. When one uses the repetitive style of description in the first few posts of delving into verbose descriptions and sacrificing the message for the image, I think it disabuses the reader of both. My own work testifies to a philosophy of not catering to the laziness or ineptitude of a reader, and I am of course not suggesting tossing aside this idea purely for the ease of comprehension. Instead, I am encouraging you to simplify the message of each paragraph and to relay the message with the imagery and description. Exposition by itself is unnecessary, but accompanied by a discernible message -- that is, an idea that is furthered by the backdrop -- it becomes a tool for an advancement of the piece.
Knowing better the circumstances surrounding the change in style, I can say that the second half of the first page is much better at centralizing the message.
In reference to the dialogue, the scene of spoken word was very effective at getting across he idea. I merely question some of the terms and syntax used. The thought that was shared was, I think, not poorly crafted in its intention but its execution. It seemed a bit simplistic compared to the prose and far too transparent in its meaning.
Perhaps I am merely trying to apply my own stylistic preferences here, so do take it with a grain of salt until I finish what you have written.

17-Jun-2012 23:16:16

Azigarath

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How did I not notice this earlier? As Yrolg pointed out, you do use a lot of words, basically an overload of it, but at the same time it is also one of the best elements throughout the story. There was certainly more good atmosphere than bad in descriptions, and I love it how you used the word lioness (and a few others) to describe the green-eyed woman (I forgot her name).
"The birds watched noiselessly from their canopy nests, their beady black eyes fixed upon the figure."
I really liked this, as mother birds stay silent when they are upon their eggs and I have seen this happen.
On post 4, at the end of sentence two, the "bow aimed towards the floor." is a bit awkward because I'm pretty sure it's the ground, so 'forest floor' would work better here and then when the man is running towards the kill than just floor for obvious reasons. 0.o
I speculate that this man is hunting upon royal grounds, though to go hunting alone is very dangerous especially during these times, but I suppose a desperate soul would risk it. Longbows did not appear until the fourteenth century, but perhaps in Wales it was used for a long time.
Bustling markets during this time is, well, historically inaccurate due to a lack of language, education, coinage and management, and your story does not reflect the late Dark Ages very well in terms of attitude (That is, their attitude is too peaceful; during this time, people would be brawling and arguing almost everyday). Viking gods and names is certainly OK, I have nothing to disagree on that, but the peoples' lives are, well, too good for the Dark Ages, and your story does feature things that did not really exist during the tenth century.
For example, cobblestone did not exist until the Renaissance and there is no way a village could afford a stone road especially during this time.

18-Jun-2012 04:48:01

Azigarath

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I feel that you were thinking of Roman roads that were left behind, which would make perfect sense, but maybe clarify a bit extra so that uptight people like me don't go through a seizure and die or something.
I am guessing that this place is based upon Wales? Also, you sometimes forget to add a . at the end of a sentence.
The description and attitude of religion is very accurate, but it would be difficult for common people to fast, and note that the lord was expected to supply a feast for his peasants at least twice a year. In fact, during this time there were sixty holidays in Medieval Britain, so for each holiday the peasants would work together to make the holiday happen. Holidays were based upon Pagan and Christian traditions and helped convert Pagans in the long-run.
If this church is so wealthy, why hasn't it been raided by Vikings yet? Vikings, knights and young nobles often attacked churches and monasteries, so I feel that you are, well, going into the cliché and historic inaccuracy that everyone during the Middle Ages/Dark Ages were religious fanatics who would dare not defy the word of god. Christians feared Pagans because Pagans loved killing Christians; the Vikings were renowned for their cruelty.
Note that coinage was not as abundant is it is today, and sometimes taxes could not be paid because there was literally not enough coins available. Sometimes, onions were used to pay taxes!
Trade also suffered during this time. Spices were virtually non-existent during this time especially in Europe. Cinnamon was never in Europe until the eighteenth century, though during the Crusades, crusaders sometimes talked about it.
Glass cups were non-existent during this time, clay or wood was the most common.
Lamps appeared during the thirteenth century.

18-Jun-2012 04:48:16

Azigarath

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Forks appeared at around the eighteenth century; people ate with their hands and knives before that. Funny fact, that the knives people used to kill other people back then were the same ones they used to eat with.
The accent for the German doesn't 'sound' German, for Bavarians seem to talk with that peculiar zz sounding vocalisation. Pure ethnic Germans talk with strong h, v and d, so 'the' would be pronounced as 'deh'. I know a German butcher who talks like that. Black is not a natural eye colour, unless the taxman has aniridia.
Yes! I knew it that Odinsson was stalking in the royal forest! I love it how the taxman slams the door and blows dust into their eyes, but Druzz (forgive the abbreviation) has so many negative traits that it almost feels like a bias. =o And, yet another complaint, most homes did not have floors up to the nineteenth century.
Squelch? I never seen that word before. Awesome!
There is no way Ernest could survive a stab into the colon and possibly the small intestines, as these organs are above the hipbone.
So that's all my commentary for the story. Overall the story seems to be a recreation of the Dark Ages while incorporating modern misconceptions about the Middle Ages. As mentioned above and in your story, even very religious people did bad things, and chivalric knights sometimes did pillage churches and monasteries (Norman knights in England and Italy were known to do this often).
Your portrayal of the common man killing people in the name of god (that is, doing what the bishop tells him to) makes sense, though this kind of attitude did not really occur until the First Crusade, when a majority of people were becoming Christian thus outnumbered Pagans. Generally, Pagans who converted to Christianity (Roman Catholicism) were the ones being very evil to their remaining Pagans. For example, England never burned Pagans at the stake until the thirteenth century, because England was a bit later than mainland Europe for some reason.

18-Jun-2012 04:48:36 - Last edited on 18-Jun-2012 04:54:23 by Azigarath

Azigarath

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My only serious issue I have is that one man is running around murdering people without much struggle, however even peasants knew how to defend themselves, and people never were alone; they were ALWAYS with friends and/or family because life was so hectic that violence, bandits and mugging was commonplace; sometimes, peasants with nothing more than flails, pitchforks, hammers, hatchets, etc., would be attacked while farming and they would literally group up and fight back without thinking -- peasants sometimes killed entire groups of bandits or, very rarely, soldiers if the peasants caught them with sudden surprise. Even noblewomen knew how to use a sword.
I like how you diversify the culture, such as using Welsh, Nordic and Scottish names. It adds flavour to the story, however a foreigner would not be treated well. In 1302, 2,000 Frenchmen were murdered in Bruges solely because they were French, because the Flemish hated the French that much back then. Thus, there is no way Englishmen would associate themselves with Saxons, Scots or Vikings, but instead would start conflict with them.
Does this mean you have to rewrite the story to best suit my comments? Of course not, this is your story, not mine, so you're allowed to do things your way, but I just wanted to comment about what I know (I am not saying I'm right, so if I'm wrong about something you're allowed to tell me so), and on YouTube there is an excellent documentary called Weapons That Made Britain (Others such as Conquest and Warriors are good too) that I would recommend watching; I just mentioned all these things in case you were interested.
I also like how you mention the inflammation of a lymph node about the woman, though such sicknesses would be affecting hundreds of people and they'd be dying on the streets moaning and crawling around in mud (Like in Monty Python's Quest of the Holy Grail, for despite being a comedy, the muddy village scene was a brilliant portrayal of Medieval life).

18-Jun-2012 04:48:49

Azigarath

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All in all, the story develops thoroughly and is what it is, a story worth reading and thinking about; I read everything you have so far because the execution of the ideas are done very well. Your quality of words and description is truly impeccable, but don't be too perfect with them, as you don't really need to get a mark above 100%, it's still an A+ after all.
As for dialogue, I didn't notice much of an issue, though the last page of the story (page 4) was beginning to get predictable, so I am hoping a little organized action will take place to give spices (unless you weren't planning that, so feel free to disregard that or anything else I posted), as I'd love to see a mod of angry redheads with spears and swords enter the story.
I hope my comments were at least a little insightful, and keep in mind that they are just comments; there was no intention of critiquing the story, but simply to express my commentary about the story that were not intended, nor are able, to be a final opinion of the story.
If there's any questions, or corrections about my words, you are welcome to say so, I will not get mad about it

Did I end up talking too much again?

18-Jun-2012 04:49:02 - Last edited on 18-Jun-2012 04:49:40 by Azigarath

Cyun

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Thank you kindly Azigarath, the comments are very reasonable and useful. I've already mentioned to you that historical inaccuracies is a little pet peeve of mine and it would appear that I'm a filthy hypocrite! On my part I should have done a little more research beforehand. I will make quite a few changes reflecting the comments you two have made before carrying on with the Chapters, thank you again.

18-Jun-2012 11:11:09

Yam42

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Ooh, I just read chapter eight, and it appears that the plot is finally beginning to come together. Again, there are a few typos, but it happens to everyone, so don't worry about it too much.
I *love* Cecile's dialogue as he attempts to cleanse himself, as it's a wonderful allusion to *Macbeth*. Well done.

18-Jun-2012 18:05:58

Cyun

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Thank you Yam. When I was writing it I remember thinking that the line is just so apt!
Regarding the typos, are you speaking of those ***, because I couldn't seem to find any more. The * is just the forums being spiteful to me.

18-Jun-2012 21:20:13

Yam42

Posts: 1,134 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

No, although I know exactly what you mean by that. The * drive me insane as well.
What I was talking about is that you've spelled "Rhyne" as "Ryhne" again in your most recent chapter (which is an easy mistake to make). You also used the word "here" instead of the word "hear" (also an easy mistake to make, especially because when proofreading the brain recognizes the word but doesn't flag it as wrong because it's technically spelled correctly).
All in all, I enjoyed it as always.

18-Jun-2012 21:49:17

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The Nature of Sin