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~Kyle's Compilation~

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Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•The Gardener (A Revised Edition)

The luminescent rays filtered through the trees, although he was too overcome by terror to take notice of the calm serenity of the forest. The soft underground was covered in a light-green moss. There was, however, the fear of being lost. His eyes had not been adapted to the new light, and as a result everything was a myriad of blurs and colors. He attempted to speak but nothing came out except for slurs of sounds and grunts. There was only one thought running through his mind.

(Flowers whither, seeds remain.)

It was rather peculiar, he had no recollection of how he attained this memory, but it seemed to stick, like an itch in the back of his mind he could not scratch.

His hands shuffled along the ground in order to raise himself. He placed both hands firmly by his hips and pushed with his back. All that came was a snap—not of bone, it was more like the crack of a whip—followed by a shooting pain throughout his body. It felt as though a lightning bolt passed through his spine, waking every nerve and sending him into spiraling pain. He bit his upper lip in agony and tasted something coppery in his mouth. He decided it was too painful to move, for whatever reason he was unaware. It would be better to wait...

Time slipped, like water fluidly cascading down a fall. In fact, he could hear water; he could not think of what else it could be. There was a soft rumble in the distance. Water meant civilization. Water meant

(Fuel, I hear fuel)

11-Dec-2010 18:34:17 - Last edited on 11-Dec-2010 18:35:52 by Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hope. Whatever was making noise, it lessened some of the terror in his stomach. It gave him a feeling that he might not be alone. Loneliness is like darkness—it takes out all joy, leaving you with nothing, which was he close to where he was feeling. He just did*’t want to stay here until night. That’s when all the things that creep and crawl come out to eat you. That’s when all the hairy monsters and slimy beasts sneak up on you and stare at you with their black, cold eyes. You can hear their hot breath against your icy flesh and you want to scream. You think about screaming you know they will eat you—you scream and you scream and your world shatters and—

He knew that wouldn’t happen. He may not be alone, but he knew there was nothing that went bump in the night, at least not in reality. His body continued to ache. He felt bloated, yet his mouth was still dry from dehydration.

(Water, I need water.)

His hands were pale with slight hints of green. A small ball of fear grew inside him as he tried to reason the phenomena. Once again he tried raising himself to no avail. He felt pushed into the wet ground.

(No, not pushed I feel pulled, I’m being pulled—)

He decided that sleep would be the most beneficial. Although he didn't wish to sleep in the mystic woodland—it veiled a frightening sense of unease and chaos beneath its serenity—he knew there was nothing he could do but wait.

He was walking again. He had been able to pull himself off of the ground and now he was looking for something, anything. He heard the water and followed its calling. And then there was silence. No sound at all and he felt there was nothing existent in this jungle. It was a place for the

(dead, the monsters)

11-Dec-2010 18:34:31 - Last edited on 31-Dec-2010 21:26:11 by Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
spirits to roam, unnoticed by travelers. He suddenly felt very scared. There were footsteps behind him. They were fast, not of a human, but of something sinister. He felt the warm breath of something on his neck and his blood turned to ice. He turned and saw it, a black mass of horror. It bore no skin but blood was oozing out of its crevices. It snarled and he saw each of its teeth, carved to perfection.

(The better to eat you with, my dear.)

He screamed. The beast jumped on him and clawed at his flesh, digging itself into his abdomen. He felt a fiery burst of pain as blood run down his flesh, feeding the soil. Everything melted around him, melted away until he was alone again.

There was no beastie.

The dream was still impregnated within him and his heart continued to surge blood while he tried to regulate his breaths. He brought his arm to his face, but saw nothing but bark.

He screamed. He scraped the wooden log against the ground and felt a flurry of pain. The bark was his arm. Only this time the world wasn’t melting away. This time it was real.

Both arms were wooden logs. Small leaves were attached, their veins stained by his own vibrant red blood. He looked down and saw vines weaving in and out of his skin like embroidery. In some parts of his skin he recognized pink flesh and in others there was nothing but green calluses.

His muscles erupted all at once and he pulled himself off of the ground. There was something tied to his back

(Oh my God I’m rooted I’M ROOTED TO THE GROUND)

and with as much energy as he had left he jerked himself forward, Feeling intense pain as the roots snapped like elastic bands. He had been apart of them.

There were things crawling along his skin. Insects. The ones that just loved to eat away at plants...and now...him.

11-Dec-2010 18:34:46

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

Posts: 2,957 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
With violent shakes he whipped his wooden arms at his arms attempting to sweep the bugs. His mind was shrieking with the thought of thirst. He heard the rumble of the stream. With amazing speed he ran, although his stumps made him feel clumsy and irregular. Yet he saw it, a beautiful spectacle. The water glistened, waiting for his arrival.

Carelessly he jumped into the river. There was no need to drink, for the stems quickly absorbed water. He felt relieved, then quenched, then bloated. The vines did not stop. He had had enough and his body was expanding as he drew in more and more liquid. He felt his face growing, the skin closing in around his eyes. There was a pop as the skin around his left thigh exploding. The water became tainted and turned into a red bath of horror. He was losing his sight but could still see his reflection—his eyes, now black coals and face a horrible mixture of red and green. He uttered one final scream as his body was swept by the undercurrent and he fell in a desperate mass. His last thought was of seeing the beast in the red pool of water.
____________________________________________________________

11-Dec-2010 18:35:04 - Last edited on 31-Dec-2010 21:26:55 by Dark Enmity

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Most of your contest entries have already received feedback from me (as I provide feedback for *every* public entry to contests I participate in). I'll see if I can't provide some feedback for your noncompetitive pieces this week, though. :)

30-Dec-2010 05:13:13

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The Other Storyteller

This piece has real potential. I really, really liked what I read; it was original and yet enchanting. I love the explanation Demetri provides for what would happen if she were to die later on. It's pure and total manipulation, but I think you pulled this tricky task off. I'd be careful about the discussions, however: they sometimes border on the unbelievable.

I'd focus on proofreading the piece, though. It's terribly ridden with errors, some of them elementary and some of them just plain stupid mistakes. I'd also try to make the ending a little less cliché: happy endings are fine, but they are all the same. Try to put some realistic twist on the ending so that it's upbeat but not "happily ever after", fairy-tale quality.




The Poisoned Goblet

This piece was more dark, but I think it was more my style than the previous. I like the idea of internal struggle; it's something that isn't very common on these forums but it's integral for every major novel of depth.

I found that the diction was, at times, unbecoming and that you seemed to try to hard in describing the things. Also, instead of shimmering green liquid, I think it would have been appropriate (and cool) if he had seen his reflection in a dark liquid (perhaps a red wine or dirty water). He could have contemplated his past life then, and it wouldn't have seemed so narrative.

I'd watch out for repeating names too often. In both pieces you shied from using pronouns, when, in fact, pronouns are commissionable tools for increasing flow.

I don't quite understand how a seemingly fluorescent green liquid was water. This made the plot iffy.

I liked the witty ending.

31-Dec-2010 23:39:46 - Last edited on 31-Dec-2010 23:48:06 by Yrolg

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