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Snow's Collection of Shorts
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Added a new story: "Returning the Message", page 2 posts 1-3. It's a dark tale that takes place during the Christmas period, I'm not too sure if I like it or not.
Snow
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Runescape Stories Forum
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Guildmaster -
The Novelists' Guild
05-Dec-2011 19:17:00
Ok, as most of your stories are in first person, I want to give you a few tips.
>It is *crucial* that you always speak as if the character is THINKING the words. The character is your narrator, so you cannot write anything that would not correspond with what that character says, sees, or does.
>ALWAYS speak in past tense, as if your main character is telling a story of what happened. Future and present tense stories exist, but there's a reason you haven't heard of them.
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Example: "I sigh. On my knees, I bow down to the statue stood towering above me; the only symbol of hope that our village owes its survival to. I stare intently at the crimson plaque, eyes glistening as I read it:"
Fixed version: "When I bowed down to the magnificent statue before me, I couldn't help but be awestruck at it. If not for it, I don't think the village would have survived. At the time, it was our only symbol of hope. The only thing we could count on to stand by us. I looked down to the crimson plaque, I can still remember it's exact words:"
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This sounds a lot better because it is more natural. There is no way that the speaker could have known his eyes were glistening, and it is impossible to narrate in both first person and third person at the same time. If you are going to make present tense first person stories (Which I don't recommend), you cannot simply talk about things like your surroundings as you go along. You must keep the character moving at a fast pace, or it will make no sense.
I think you put some good effort into this, and I urge you to keep practicing your writing. I'm usually a lot more harsh when I review fiction like this but I can't expect the FiM standards to appear in RS fiction.
In other words - Good start, but could be better.
>It is *crucial* that you always speak as if the character is THINKING the words. The character is your narrator, so you cannot write anything that would not correspond with what that character says, sees, or does.
>ALWAYS speak in past tense, as if your main character is telling a story of what happened. Future and present tense stories exist, but there's a reason you haven't heard of them.
===
Example: "I sigh. On my knees, I bow down to the statue stood towering above me; the only symbol of hope that our village owes its survival to. I stare intently at the crimson plaque, eyes glistening as I read it:"
Fixed version: "When I bowed down to the magnificent statue before me, I couldn't help but be awestruck at it. If not for it, I don't think the village would have survived. At the time, it was our only symbol of hope. The only thing we could count on to stand by us. I looked down to the crimson plaque, I can still remember it's exact words:"
===
This sounds a lot better because it is more natural. There is no way that the speaker could have known his eyes were glistening, and it is impossible to narrate in both first person and third person at the same time. If you are going to make present tense first person stories (Which I don't recommend), you cannot simply talk about things like your surroundings as you go along. You must keep the character moving at a fast pace, or it will make no sense.
I think you put some good effort into this, and I urge you to keep practicing your writing. I'm usually a lot more harsh when I review fiction like this but I can't expect the FiM standards to appear in RS fiction.
In other words - Good start, but could be better.
07-Dec-2011 13:42:20
Luna, having read your comment, I agree about what you said about eyes "glistening". I didn't even think about that at the time. The problem with me is I like to be able to describe things, throwing in adjectives here there and everywhere; yet one of my strengths is describing emotion which I prefer to do in first person.
I disagree about the tense issue -- I think if anything, it sounds more natural to (if writing in first person) write in present tense. It does not feel quite right to write a first person narrative in past tense: it is far more dramatic to observe the events as they happen. There are, of course, some exceptions, such as diary entries, but sometimes past tense simply will not work. If you haven't already, read my "Acrophobia" story -- this (to me at least) is proof that stories do work in present tense.
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"...you cannot simply talk about things like your surroundings as you go along..."
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Once again, I disagree. The reader is relying on the narrator to unveil the scene before them; how can the reader know where or what the scene looks like without the aid of the narrator? The story would simply become a story of how the character feels. First person is exactly that: they are the first person to see, hear and smell what is in front of them. Not describing what they see loses a large part of what makes a successful narrative.
Apart from that, I thank you for visiting my thread. It is rare to find somebody willing to read one's work on these forums, let alone somebody to offer their advice and opinion too.
EDIT: Oh and Leb, do you need me to edit it so that you can read it? Thanks for stopping by.
I disagree about the tense issue -- I think if anything, it sounds more natural to (if writing in first person) write in present tense. It does not feel quite right to write a first person narrative in past tense: it is far more dramatic to observe the events as they happen. There are, of course, some exceptions, such as diary entries, but sometimes past tense simply will not work. If you haven't already, read my "Acrophobia" story -- this (to me at least) is proof that stories do work in present tense.
------------
"...you cannot simply talk about things like your surroundings as you go along..."
------------
Once again, I disagree. The reader is relying on the narrator to unveil the scene before them; how can the reader know where or what the scene looks like without the aid of the narrator? The story would simply become a story of how the character feels. First person is exactly that: they are the first person to see, hear and smell what is in front of them. Not describing what they see loses a large part of what makes a successful narrative.
Apart from that, I thank you for visiting my thread. It is rare to find somebody willing to read one's work on these forums, let alone somebody to offer their advice and opinion too.
EDIT: Oh and Leb, do you need me to edit it so that you can read it? Thanks for stopping by.
Snow
|
Runescape Stories Forum
|
Guildmaster -
The Novelists' Guild
07-Dec-2011 16:54:43 - Last edited on 07-Dec-2011 16:56:56 by Old Gnomish
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