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Seravail
Jul Member 2008

Seravail

Posts: 4,286 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The banging on the doors was deafening. I was confused, lost in the chaos.
"There was nothing you could have done." she said, her voice soothing.
I looked at her and my heart grew heavy.
I angrily shook my head, the tears of my despair falling into the void where my Master now lived. "No. I have failed the Master. I should have been there, to protect him from the usurper. What use am I to Him as a warrior, if I..." my voice broke. A hand lifted my chin, forcing me to look into her eyes. She wiped the tears from my face. It was strange, but I felt a bit better.
"Our Master may have fallen, but you have not failed him. As long as we, his faithful, stand and fight, we will never fail him. We must be strong, for too much depends on our survival." she said.
I nodded my head slowly, careful not to lose eyecontact with her. She was an angel - so beautiful, yet so strong... The gaze of her emerald eyes as mesmerising as the stars in the night sky themselves, her breathtaking beauty calmed my inner storms. A loud cracking noise sounded, and a hatchet flew through the doors.
"You must go now." she whispered, barely audible. Her eyes looked sad and lost, a tear forming in each pit.
"I... I can't.... I don't want to leave you!" I cried. She smiled. A sad smile, torn with grief.
"You must. You are needed in the future, to re-establish contact with our Master. Go now, Azzanadra. Protect the Master." she said.
As much as it pained me to admit it, I knew she was correct. I stood up and wiped the tears from my face. I kissed her one last time, and ran for the doorway. I looked back at what I was leaving behind and saw her preparing for battle.
I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces, knowing I would never see her again.
"Farewell, my love." I whispered. Her voice echoed through the dungeon, followed by screams. A lot of screams.
"Now, feel the power of Zaros!"
I kept running, crying as I did.
"Farewell, Nex."
We shall do the thing.
The thing must be done.
Do the thing.
The thing is relevant to my interests.

21-Dec-2012 19:07:40

Seravail
Jul Member 2008

Seravail

Posts: 4,286 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Tried to keep it short, which was hella hard. I ended up with about 70 characters left, I think. Anyway, some unexplored potential I'd wanted to dive into, but I'd have strayed too far from the original story. I hope you enjoy my re-write. I'm not entirely happy with how it turned out, but I had to keep it in one post, because I promised myself I wouldn't end up taking up an entire page on a thread that originally only took one page (that actually happened pretty often).

-Jero

EDIT: My re-write is called Divided. Thought I'd mention that.
We shall do the thing.
The thing must be done.
Do the thing.
The thing is relevant to my interests.

21-Dec-2012 19:08:47 - Last edited on 21-Dec-2012 19:10:53 by Seravail

Ahnaf

Ahnaf

Posts: 522 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Really cool story, Kitty. Although I can't immediately imagine Azzandra and Nex being in love, it seems like it really could be possible and that Azzandra is hiding something from us. Or maybe just hiding the fact so that Zaros would not hear of it, who knows? Anyways, this is really just a really cool story that may or may not reveal personal history about Azzandra and Nex, even if it is fake. :D
~~Don't mess with the Lord of Fire or you'll get burnt.~~

05-Jan-2013 02:48:26

Phrin Shade

Phrin Shade

Posts: 302 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
...
....
.....

Not really sure what to say about this piece.
I'll admit, it's one of the best short (very short) stories I've read in a long time. It seems to me almost like poetry; I really like the feel of the it.
It also serves as a morale-teacher. Maybe; "Things aren't always what they seem." or "Never judge a book by its cover."
No matter; it's a great story in general. I'd love if you expanded on it.
Also, the ending shocked me.
Overall, it's a well-written and deep story. Keep up the good work.

04-Feb-2013 02:34:26 - Last edited on 04-Feb-2013 02:35:43 by Phrin Shade

Zulkir

Zulkir

Posts: 7,343 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Azzanadra<3Nex. Didn't see that coming.

But it's nice for what it is, Good descriptive moods, Good grasp of the characters, (Nex being nice, wut?)

My only gripe and it's abit of a personal one, I prefer stories to have more of a description, where they are, what has just happened to set the current mood, You somehow explain this obviously, it's Azzanadra saddened by Zaros' fall and Nex is comforting him. But I want to feel the mood of it all, not just to read some well put together piece of writing that merely explains the emotion.

My two cents. :)
Zarosian Lorehound

Master Questcape Owner

Inconsistent Completionist

31-Mar-2013 22:44:14

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