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AJxxTeedo

AJxxTeedo

Posts: 113 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You may now post! <3 Please enjoy and let me know what your thoughts are! I'd love to hear from you.
(Trolls stay away please and thank you.)
Anyway, if you want more then please do let me know! I love writing and it is my passion that maybe one day I will have created my own book! Thanks and stay blessed!
AJxxTeedo

Nothing's Impossible, the word itself says, "I'm possible!"

Discord: AJxTeedo#0930

04-Oct-2015 08:17:30

MoistyHumain

MoistyHumain

Posts: 104 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I will say, nothing against the other one. But this one looks a whole lot nicer. More neater.
(Is that even a word? Neater? Ha! I don't care.)
Anyway, it looks nice. But where is the other story? I want to finish it? Please, please, finish the other one. I was getting hyped with the adventure! Come on babes, let us see some more of that story on your other thread. I honestly don't care what the other people think. I liked the story! So, after you finish this one. Finish the other story, mkayz? Alright, chick I am going to profile this and keep checking in. Keep up the great work!
xGUMDROPSx, Rocks The Socks!

04-Oct-2015 09:30:03

MsTigerPaws
Aug Member 2023

MsTigerPaws

Posts: 949 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Papi, old friend. I appreciate the concern, but I was actually fixing to post her work in my section so she can post them later and finish. Thank you for supporting her, she is a very talented young lady. This is her passion.

04-Oct-2015 09:33:39

AJxxTeedo

AJxxTeedo

Posts: 113 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you,
TagasuiXia
. I am doing the best I can and no one liked my last story so I decided to try something new, but seeing as you like it. I may finish it. Thanks for your support and kindness.
AJxxTeedo

Nothing's Impossible, the word itself says, "I'm possible!"

Discord: AJxTeedo#0930

04-Oct-2015 09:47:32

Krayfishkarl
Jul Member 2014

Krayfishkarl

Posts: 7,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Followed the QFC to this thread. Looks like you have a sizable segment for me to give some detailed feedback:

For the length of what you have so far, this is pretty good. We may have heard this type of plot before (what I mean is that cliche can be a good thing if it's done very well), although it was interesting enough to get me to look forward to what would happen next. I'm not entirely sure if you're going for a specific length, but if you ever get around to writing a second draft, here's my recommendations:

The first paragraph could use some significant expansion. I want to see more about Carol's father so that we can get a better idea of why she ran away. This is mainly a case of show, not tell. We only know of her father through Carol telling James about him, so what I would do is elaborate more on her father and possibly the man she was going to marry.

The dialogue between James and Carol is pretty good albeit pretty fast paced than what one would expect realistically, but that's probably just me. I'm not particularly used to reading shorter fiction, but depending on how long you want the story to be, I would flesh out their chemistry even more.

However, if you do go with these suggested improvements, I would probably wait until you've written or planned out more of the story so that you're not hung up on just one little part.

For what it is though, this was a fun read and I enjoyed it. All you have to do is to keep writing and continue to refine your style. And of course, use any feedback you get whether it be positive or negative as a means to forge your stories into something better. Indie Game Developer, Worldbuilder
The Scrying Pool Clan

04-Oct-2015 13:29:58

MsTigerPaws
Aug Member 2023

MsTigerPaws

Posts: 949 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Gumdrops, you are doing a wonderful job so far. Can we get some history on James and Carol's father though. Why is he so protective over her father? Why does he not want to kill him? Is there a threat towards him? Does he get something out of it? What's the history between the both of them. And Carol and James have only known each other for a day. Why does James feel like they have known each other for an eternity? Maybe they had a childhood love story? Just some thoughts, throw something in there. Surprise us. Keep up the good work! You are doing a great job! The thread looks amazing!

04-Oct-2015 17:18:50 - Last edited on 04-Oct-2015 17:19:07 by MsTigerPaws

AJxxTeedo

AJxxTeedo

Posts: 113 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you, Cousin. It's coming, just been working on my in-game account for a little bit. Trying to hit 60 fishing. :D Almost there! But I have been somewhat taking breaks every now and then to work on it more. I love the ideas though! I just came up with another part of the story that I will be posting soon.
AJxxTeedo

Nothing's Impossible, the word itself says, "I'm possible!"

Discord: AJxTeedo#0930

04-Oct-2015 17:24:37

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