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\\||~Nightmare~||//
Quick find code: 49-50-327-56159462
\\||~Nightmare~||//
Sorry for taking forever to get to this, but here is your review from •ï¡÷¡•Thranon's Reviews•¡÷¡ï• :
~Prologue~
Nothing wrong here—very nice opening. Questions are often the best way to capture a reader's attention.
~Chapter I~
"Turning around after placing the tinderbox back where it belonged I crept towards my blanket-less bed."
*There should be a comma after "belonged".
"Deciding that whatever had been making the sound has gone I begin to make my advance on the door again."
*Comma after "gone." Oh, and fair warning, I'm a stickler for commas.
"My front door, directly ahead of my shows no sign of intrusion."
*I believe the second "my" should be a "me". (And it should have a comma after it.)
*"Compels" only has one L.
~Chapter II~
"However in the second dream I opened up my cabinet and not the tool cupboard."
*Comma after "however".
"With a slight turn of my head I look out the window to be greeted with the early Varrock twilight."
*Comma after "head".
"Turning my head back to its original position facing the ceiling I decided to attempt sleeping again."
*Comma after ceiling. This looks like its going to be a consistent problem, but nearly everything else looks good so far.
"Sorry?" Came a familiar yet muffled voice from outside my front door."
*"Came" should be lowercased.
"Lily!" She calls back."
*"She" should be lowercased.
"I'll assume that means tired." She jived as she sat on a chair.
*The period after "tired" should be a comma and "she" should be lowercased. This is a common mistake; let's hope that it doesn’t become a consistent occurrence.
"I haven't been sleeping well." I declared, making my way towards the pantry."
*Period after "well" should be a comma.
"Oh?" She inquired her face turning from happiness to concern.
*"She" should be lowercased.
Sorry for taking forever to get to this, but here is your review from •ï¡÷¡•Thranon's Reviews•¡÷¡ï• :
~Prologue~
Nothing wrong here—very nice opening. Questions are often the best way to capture a reader's attention.
~Chapter I~
"Turning around after placing the tinderbox back where it belonged I crept towards my blanket-less bed."
*There should be a comma after "belonged".
"Deciding that whatever had been making the sound has gone I begin to make my advance on the door again."
*Comma after "gone." Oh, and fair warning, I'm a stickler for commas.
"My front door, directly ahead of my shows no sign of intrusion."
*I believe the second "my" should be a "me". (And it should have a comma after it.)
*"Compels" only has one L.
~Chapter II~
"However in the second dream I opened up my cabinet and not the tool cupboard."
*Comma after "however".
"With a slight turn of my head I look out the window to be greeted with the early Varrock twilight."
*Comma after "head".
"Turning my head back to its original position facing the ceiling I decided to attempt sleeping again."
*Comma after ceiling. This looks like its going to be a consistent problem, but nearly everything else looks good so far.
"Sorry?" Came a familiar yet muffled voice from outside my front door."
*"Came" should be lowercased.
"Lily!" She calls back."
*"She" should be lowercased.
"I'll assume that means tired." She jived as she sat on a chair.
*The period after "tired" should be a comma and "she" should be lowercased. This is a common mistake; let's hope that it doesn’t become a consistent occurrence.
"I haven't been sleeping well." I declared, making my way towards the pantry."
*Period after "well" should be a comma.
"Oh?" She inquired her face turning from happiness to concern.
*"She" should be lowercased.
01-Mar-2009 02:02:06
~Chapter IV~
*Be careful of your repetition of "Draynor Manor".
"Sure it was infested with phantasmal beings but the average adventurer can best them in combat with minimal difficulty."
*Comma after "beings".
"I actually chuckled, for it was while I was thinking, in my unfocused state that I felt the branch of a tree claw at me."
*Misplaced comma; it should be after "state" not "thinking."
"I drew my scythe and severed the branch in one quick movement so that it may not trouble young adventurers."
*A slight technical error here. As the owner of a Quest Cape, I know for a fact that those branches can only be attacked by Blessed Axes.
"From inside the manor I heard the wailing of some undead creature, begging for freedom from it's supernatural bounds."
*Good sentence, but "it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe. Also, the way it is currently written makes it sound as if he is in the manor, rather than hearing shrieking from within its walls.
"Upon realising the innocence of the old branch I sat up and cursed my stupidity."
*It should be spelled "realizing" and there needs to be a comma after "branch".
"Mumbling foul curses at the trees and the approaching darkness of night I thought it would be best to reach home as quickly as possibly."
*Comma after "night".
"Though I was in constant fear that something would grab at my leg and try to drag me down into it's underworld prison my 'shortcut' through the Draynor Manor woods was uneventful from that point on."
*Comma after "prison" and "it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe.
"Before I knew it, I had already reached Shortcut Rocks."
*There probably should be a "the" in there.
"A sound i'd never heard before."
*"I'd" is always capitalized.
"The odd noise that accompanied it ceased along with it."
*You did*’t mention the noise earlier, so this was a surprise to the reader. Also, you are repeating "fog" and "Champion's Guild" a fair bit. Try to use a larger variety of words.
*Be careful of your repetition of "Draynor Manor".
"Sure it was infested with phantasmal beings but the average adventurer can best them in combat with minimal difficulty."
*Comma after "beings".
"I actually chuckled, for it was while I was thinking, in my unfocused state that I felt the branch of a tree claw at me."
*Misplaced comma; it should be after "state" not "thinking."
"I drew my scythe and severed the branch in one quick movement so that it may not trouble young adventurers."
*A slight technical error here. As the owner of a Quest Cape, I know for a fact that those branches can only be attacked by Blessed Axes.
"From inside the manor I heard the wailing of some undead creature, begging for freedom from it's supernatural bounds."
*Good sentence, but "it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe. Also, the way it is currently written makes it sound as if he is in the manor, rather than hearing shrieking from within its walls.
"Upon realising the innocence of the old branch I sat up and cursed my stupidity."
*It should be spelled "realizing" and there needs to be a comma after "branch".
"Mumbling foul curses at the trees and the approaching darkness of night I thought it would be best to reach home as quickly as possibly."
*Comma after "night".
"Though I was in constant fear that something would grab at my leg and try to drag me down into it's underworld prison my 'shortcut' through the Draynor Manor woods was uneventful from that point on."
*Comma after "prison" and "it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe.
"Before I knew it, I had already reached Shortcut Rocks."
*There probably should be a "the" in there.
"A sound i'd never heard before."
*"I'd" is always capitalized.
"The odd noise that accompanied it ceased along with it."
*You did*’t mention the noise earlier, so this was a surprise to the reader. Also, you are repeating "fog" and "Champion's Guild" a fair bit. Try to use a larger variety of words.
01-Mar-2009 02:02:32 - Last edited on 01-Mar-2009 02:04:46 by Thranon
*Again, another technical error. The General store is sitting in ruins and he just witnessed someone's head flying around and yet he's ready to walk around Varrock, despite the strange fog on the loose? I'm not going to be docking points on this one as it is what everyone seems to do in horror movies, but in a book most people would expect the characters to be more intelligent.
"It was weird, as though i'd seen something [...]"
*I'd.
*Watch the repetition of "despair."
~Chapter X~
*Very good detail and flow. It is fast and just descript and confusing enough. Very suspenseful and engaging to read.
"He ushers me forward & takes me aside."
*Laziness! Change that & to "and."
"With that she ran-No, skipped [...]"
*"No" should be lowercased and there should be another dash after "skipped."
~Chapter XI~
"Heck, the though that I'm inside in my house, dry and warm [...]"
*I think you mean "thought."
*Watch the repetition of "sleep."
"You said it knocked on your door and was breathing loudly"
*Needs ending punctuation.
~Chapter XII~
"Those big & strong usually prefer melee."
*You know what I'm talking about.
"The swift and hawk-eyed adept to using range."
*It should either be "are adept enough" or "adopt" as adept is not a verb.
Those with a higher degree of intelligence and maybe being a little on the skinny side choose magic.
*The "being" is unneeded—comma after "side."
Other than the errors, good analogies, though.
"[...] with a sword & his magic skills are decent to say the least."
*Ahem.
"(Which is easier for me than Lily, I can hear her teeth chattering.)"
*The capitalizing problem again. Also, the comma should be a semicolon or a dash.
"We look and find the Blue Moon Inn obscuring our view"
*There needs to be punctuation after "view."
*Repetition of "open[ing] the door."
"it's...Probably too-"
*"it's" needs to be capitalized.
"It was weird, as though i'd seen something [...]"
*I'd.
*Watch the repetition of "despair."
~Chapter X~
*Very good detail and flow. It is fast and just descript and confusing enough. Very suspenseful and engaging to read.
"He ushers me forward & takes me aside."
*Laziness! Change that & to "and."
"With that she ran-No, skipped [...]"
*"No" should be lowercased and there should be another dash after "skipped."
~Chapter XI~
"Heck, the though that I'm inside in my house, dry and warm [...]"
*I think you mean "thought."
*Watch the repetition of "sleep."
"You said it knocked on your door and was breathing loudly"
*Needs ending punctuation.
~Chapter XII~
"Those big & strong usually prefer melee."
*You know what I'm talking about.
"The swift and hawk-eyed adept to using range."
*It should either be "are adept enough" or "adopt" as adept is not a verb.
Those with a higher degree of intelligence and maybe being a little on the skinny side choose magic.
*The "being" is unneeded—comma after "side."
Other than the errors, good analogies, though.
"[...] with a sword & his magic skills are decent to say the least."
*Ahem.
"(Which is easier for me than Lily, I can hear her teeth chattering.)"
*The capitalizing problem again. Also, the comma should be a semicolon or a dash.
"We look and find the Blue Moon Inn obscuring our view"
*There needs to be punctuation after "view."
*Repetition of "open[ing] the door."
"it's...Probably too-"
*"it's" needs to be capitalized.
01-Mar-2009 02:06:50
~Chapter XIII~
"But then a terrible though strikes me."
*Thought.
"There was the occasional demon or dragon slay but they were rare."
*I think it would sound better as "demon or dragon to slay."
*You've changed tenses again. It really interferes with the flow of the story.
~Chapter XIV~
"Hastily, I draw my scythe & sprint for the home."
*And...
"I roar a cry of strength & kick the door with [...]"
*AND...
*Someone's hurling body parts at a seemingly innocent bystander. Wot fun.
~Chapter XV~
"Xavier says after a minutes silence."
*"Minutes" needs an apostrophe.
*Not much else I can see. Good chapter. I like Xavier, so good to see him still alive.
~Chapter XVI~
*This is a very addicting read and your errors are getting less and left. Your story and plot are wonderful, however, if you kill Xavier off, I'm docking points.
"[...] head bowed down & black skin beginning to bubble."
*And.
~Chapter XVII~
"I sigh and put my right hand on my left [...]"
*I think you meant on "his" left, as Noah is not wounded and yet he pulls back a blood covered hand, suggesting he may have touched Xavier's.
"His palm and a large portion of his write however, [...]"
*Wrist?
"[..] Xavier too tired and/or wounded to talk."
*The "and/or" option is not accepted in most literature works. I recommend spelling it all out:
"[...] Xavier was either too tired or too wounded to talk."
~Chapter XVIII~
"Xavier, propped up against, wounded [...]"
*I think you accidentally left out what he was propped up against. Consider revising that.
"Head...Sound...Pain! aarrgghh!!" I grunt.
*"aarrgghh" should be capitalized.
~Chapter XIX~
"Inside, pinned to the wall and with his own swords pierced through two places in his abdomen is Xavier."
*Is docking you points*
"The I catch sight of Lily's headless corpse *...*"
*I think "The" should be "Then."
"But then a terrible though strikes me."
*Thought.
"There was the occasional demon or dragon slay but they were rare."
*I think it would sound better as "demon or dragon to slay."
*You've changed tenses again. It really interferes with the flow of the story.
~Chapter XIV~
"Hastily, I draw my scythe & sprint for the home."
*And...
"I roar a cry of strength & kick the door with [...]"
*AND...
*Someone's hurling body parts at a seemingly innocent bystander. Wot fun.
~Chapter XV~
"Xavier says after a minutes silence."
*"Minutes" needs an apostrophe.
*Not much else I can see. Good chapter. I like Xavier, so good to see him still alive.
~Chapter XVI~
*This is a very addicting read and your errors are getting less and left. Your story and plot are wonderful, however, if you kill Xavier off, I'm docking points.
"[...] head bowed down & black skin beginning to bubble."
*And.
~Chapter XVII~
"I sigh and put my right hand on my left [...]"
*I think you meant on "his" left, as Noah is not wounded and yet he pulls back a blood covered hand, suggesting he may have touched Xavier's.
"His palm and a large portion of his write however, [...]"
*Wrist?
"[..] Xavier too tired and/or wounded to talk."
*The "and/or" option is not accepted in most literature works. I recommend spelling it all out:
"[...] Xavier was either too tired or too wounded to talk."
~Chapter XVIII~
"Xavier, propped up against, wounded [...]"
*I think you accidentally left out what he was propped up against. Consider revising that.
"Head...Sound...Pain! aarrgghh!!" I grunt.
*"aarrgghh" should be capitalized.
~Chapter XIX~
"Inside, pinned to the wall and with his own swords pierced through two places in his abdomen is Xavier."
*Is docking you points*
"The I catch sight of Lily's headless corpse *...*"
*I think "The" should be "Then."
01-Mar-2009 02:07:21
~Chapter XX~
*Phew. Looks like I'm not going to have to dock points after all.
There was a dearth of mistakes here; very good. Your plot only gets better and better.
~Chapter XXI~
"[...] hoping to the Gods of Runescape that they aren't possessed."
*You have "gods" lowercased in every other situation but here. I recommend changing it to be consistent.
"scattered around them is a multitude [...]"
*"scattered" needs to be capitalized.
"The Fog locked gazes with him, realising his intent & wanting evermore for [...]"
*And.
"He opens his mouth & speaks."
*And...
~Chapter XXII~
Excellent flow. Once again, no problems that I can see.
*Chapter XXIII~
"A trio of energy waves burst from her open palm & collide with the leg,[...]"
*And.
"She slams into the wall hard & drops to the floor in a daze."
*And.
"Hastily, I jump in front of her and attempt to ram the incoming monster with the but(t) of my scythe."
*Just pointing out a word you can fix. "Butt" is no longer censored.
"I don't get to find out whether I can or no."
*"No" should be "not."
"Despite all it's committed and it's imminent death, it shows no fear or remorse."
*Did you mean "commitment?" Also, the second "it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe.
"They turned again & bolted out the door, Lily sobbing all the way."
*And.
~Chapter XXIV~
"it disgusted me that such a creature could exist and do this to a town."
*"it" should be capitalized.
"It could take any one of the locations in my head & go to it to kill everyone there so that it may sustain it's own life."
*And. Also, "it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe.
"I decide on the fire blast spell & set about casting it [...]"
*And.
~Alternate/Happy ending~
*This felt a little bit rushed, like you were just trying to get it done. Noah ended up sounding like he was simply explaining everything—more like Smart Notes then what a real character would say. That's all I have to say about this, however. Overall very good chapter.
*Phew. Looks like I'm not going to have to dock points after all.
There was a dearth of mistakes here; very good. Your plot only gets better and better.
~Chapter XXI~
"[...] hoping to the Gods of Runescape that they aren't possessed."
*You have "gods" lowercased in every other situation but here. I recommend changing it to be consistent.
"scattered around them is a multitude [...]"
*"scattered" needs to be capitalized.
"The Fog locked gazes with him, realising his intent & wanting evermore for [...]"
*And.
"He opens his mouth & speaks."
*And...
~Chapter XXII~
Excellent flow. Once again, no problems that I can see.
*Chapter XXIII~
"A trio of energy waves burst from her open palm & collide with the leg,[...]"
*And.
"She slams into the wall hard & drops to the floor in a daze."
*And.
"Hastily, I jump in front of her and attempt to ram the incoming monster with the but(t) of my scythe."
*Just pointing out a word you can fix. "Butt" is no longer censored.
"I don't get to find out whether I can or no."
*"No" should be "not."
"Despite all it's committed and it's imminent death, it shows no fear or remorse."
*Did you mean "commitment?" Also, the second "it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe.
"They turned again & bolted out the door, Lily sobbing all the way."
*And.
~Chapter XXIV~
"it disgusted me that such a creature could exist and do this to a town."
*"it" should be capitalized.
"It could take any one of the locations in my head & go to it to kill everyone there so that it may sustain it's own life."
*And. Also, "it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe.
"I decide on the fire blast spell & set about casting it [...]"
*And.
~Alternate/Happy ending~
*This felt a little bit rushed, like you were just trying to get it done. Noah ended up sounding like he was simply explaining everything—more like Smart Notes then what a real character would say. That's all I have to say about this, however. Overall very good chapter.
01-Mar-2009 02:08:29
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