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[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sorry I didn't get to review all of Chapter V. My sister said she was going to use it for 10 minutes.

It's now 1 A.M, and she used it for the past two hours and a half.

:@ She is frustrating... Ugh. Anyways, I'll read the rest tomorrow.

23-Jun-2008 08:59:41

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Good evening Noah!" Lily said, greeting my entrance all the while with a smile on her face. "How'd it go?"

"Well" I replied, finding no smile able to reach my face. "Miss. Schism paid me five k."

The interior was decorated with the various flowers and shrubs that Lily adores. The walls are made from yellow sandstone and she's even taken the liberty to decorate the floor with rugs she designed herself. The rugs are coated with intricate patterns of her favourite flowers and herbs. She truly is a talented girl.

Just then there is a knock on the door.

"Well! on Thursday, Sir Amik Varse tells us that there's this invasion of goblins coming from the north! so I figure 'Goblins? Bring 'em on! So then..."

Post Seven switches tenses from past to present suddenly. I don’t think it’s incorrect, but it makes it awfully weird. Going from “was” to “sighs” makes it really awkward to read.

~~~

"Thanks Lily!" I said before I got into it. Xavier however, already had a quarter of his pizza in his mouth and managed to get a 'fanks liy' out of his mouth.

"I was sent to investigate it. Eugh, it wasn't pretty. Blood everywhere, anyway! what was really strange was, no one had tried to break in."

"Wow, that's creepy." Lily murmured after listening intently. "What do you think Noah?"

"Well no...Just..." I was lost for words but in the end decided to explain what had occurred in my nightmares. My two friends listened as I explained every detail and when i was finished there reactions were surprising.

"You've been working too hard my friend! You ought to sleep more often!"

"That's a great idea! but uh...I only have one bed..."

"Excellent, I shall be staying with you then Noah." Xavier replied a smile widening across his face. "I'll go to the bank to fetch my things while you get ready at your home ok?"

Xavier looked at each other and sighed.

25-Jun-2008 06:49:10

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Don't worry Lily, we haven't forgotten." Said Xavier, his smile returning. "We'll see you in the morning. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Lily!" I called.

"Goodnight guys!" She replied as we walked out the door but not before Xavier had reclaimed his two hander. The two of us walked down the street and momentarily arrived at the front of my house.

25-Jun-2008 06:49:17

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Those are some errors I found.

Most of them are the ones where you didn't place commas before the people's names, so that should be easy.

Sorry I didn't get to correct them, like I said, I was held up on the computer.

I can't really say anything, since the reading is pretty much out of my mind right now, so sorry, all I can offer is the list of errors.

EDIT -- GAH!!!!!!!!!!! I TOOK THE FIVE HUNDREDTH POST!!!!

SORRY!!!!

25-Jun-2008 06:50:14 - Last edited on 25-Jun-2008 06:50:59 by [#42J4VY9ZL]

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