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[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
She trotted away, her labrador following her every step. I waved her goodbye and then returned to my task, reaping Miss. Schism's wheat she kept in a small field adjacent her house.
•Spelled ‘Labrador’ wrong.
• “adjacent >>>to<<<…”

As I walked onto the field, scythe resting on my shoulder, a flock of crows that had been recently nibbling on a cob of fallen corn Miss>>>.<<< Schism had planted not long ago, scurried away in fear.
I laughed as I worked. I usually did when I weld my scythe. The jumps, the spins, the sound the blade makes as it slices through the air! I was enjoying myself greatly, that I didn't even noticed that i'd finished until I tripped over the fence.
•I believe you meant “wield” instead of “weld.”
•Capitalize the “i‘d” in the last sentence.

I then however found my laughter to be accompanied by another.
•I think you should take out the “however” since it kind of disrupts the flow of the words.

I then however found my laughter to be accompanied by another. Though the laugh was more of a cute giggle.
•Maybe combine these two sentences?

"You know you're really silly!" She giggled.
•I believe a comma between, “You know>>>,<<< you’re really silly!” would be good.

"Shut up." I growl.
•Growled.

Before long we were laughing for a full few minutes before I remembered I was supposed to be waiting for Miss. Schism.
•Remove the period before “Miss.”

“I gotta go Lily, see you later." I said quickly whilst picking up my scythe and hurriedly placing the harvested wheat and corn in my pack.
•Put a comma before “Lily” so that it separates the name from the main sentence.

"Six! don't be late or the Pizzas will be cold!"
•Capitalize, and lowercase the “Pizzas.”

"A wonderful effort as always Noah! oh, I'm so glad to have you around!" Miss. Schism exclaimed upon her arrival.
•Comma before “Noah.” Also, capitalize the “oh, I’m so glad…” Lastly, remove the period before “Miss.”

20-Jun-2008 07:35:19 - Last edited on 20-Jun-2008 07:35:30 by [#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"It's a pleasure working for you Ma'am."
•Comma before the name. Also, lowercase because you’re not using the general term with a specific name. Like, “Admiral Atkins” is capitalized because you know *who* the admiral is. Otherwise, if it doesn’t have a name following it, lowercase it.

"Well, you've done an excellent job and earned every gold coin! here you are!"
•Capitalize the “here you are!”




Miss. Schism handed me a small bag of coins with '5k' written in yellow letters on the front.

"Thank you very much Miss. Schism. I'll see you next week."
•Periods before her name.

"Good afternoon Noah." She said whilst waving me off. With my tools & scythe strapped in their appropriate positions I left back home for Varrock, but not before making a quick stop in the Draynor bank to deposit my coins and check the time; Four thirty.
•Comma before “Noah.” Don’t use the “&* sign since it looks so out of place, and you might as well just put “and.” Don’t capitalize after the semi-colon.

Sure it was infested with phantasmal beings but the average adventurer can best them in combat with minimal difficulty.
•Put a comma between “Sure” and “it was…” so that it doesn’t sound like a rushed sentence.

From inside the manor I heard the wailing of some undead creature, begging for freedom from it's supernatural bounds.
•Remove the apostrophe of “it’s” in “…from it’s supernatural bounds.”

Mumbling foul curses at the trees and the approaching darkness of night I thought it would be best to reach home as quickly as possibly
•Put a comma between, “…darkness of night>>>,<<< I thought it…”

"I'm really glad Lily isn't around to see this!" I thought whilst running, heart a-beat "She'd pulverise me with put downs!"
•Need a comma before starting the second line of dialogue. As in:

“…whilst running, heart a-beat>>>,<<< “she’d pulverize me with putdowns!”
•Also, you spelled pulverize wrong.

20-Jun-2008 07:36:09

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Though I was in constant fear that something would grab at my leg and try to drag me down into it's underworld prison my 'shortcut' through the Draynor Manor woods was uneventful from that point on. Before I knew it, I had already reached Shortcut Rocks.
• “…into it>>>‘s<<< underworld prison…” Remove the apostrophe.

A sound i'd never heard before.
•Capitalize the “I.”

"This is absurd!" I thought. "Fog can't think or move or look! I must be going mad..."
•You meant “fogs” instead of “fog.”

So, left feeling weary and confused I followed it towards Varrock. At least I'd found something to do until dinner...
•You need another comma after “confused>>>,<<<.”

"Home sweet home..." I muttered to myself.
•Need a comma after “Home.”

I walk over to my tool shed and prepare to open it and place my tools inside it.
•Present tense when the rest was past.

But when I go to close it I find the hinges to be stuck fast. They wouldn't move at all.
•Need a comma after “…close it>>>,<<<.”

"Good evening Noah!" Lily said, greeting my entrance all the while with a smile on her face. "How'd it go?"
•Need a comma before “Noah.”

"Well" I replied, finding no smile able to reach my face. "Miss. Schism paid me five k."
•You need a comma before the narration continues. Also, remove the period in “Miss.”

20-Jun-2008 07:36:27

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You seemed to make more errors in this page than the last, although my memory is a bit rusty, isn't it, now?

Anyways, again, you strike me with genuine fear every now and then, and you're more of a 'wait-and-see' sort of author, only giving us a taste of horror. While good for the short-term, I hope that it'll be a bit more fast-paced later on in the story.

You still have a lot of errors that are easily curable, so here's some tips:

-Before you announce any name in character dialogue, put a comma before the name.

-General terms like "Miss" are lowercased unless they go with a specific person. They also don't have periods in them either, I believe.

You also have *some* problems with present/past tenses here, but it's not as frequent as before. The bigger problem is the punctuation and the places you put your commas, and where you *don't* put them.

Here are some GOOD things about your writing:

"I looked over to the horizon to see the sun setting, enshrouding the area with the dim half-light of dusk. Around me the trees seemed to grow taller and older, twisting with the shadows. I looked back to the mansion and it too seemed to increase in size and ferocity. From inside the manor I heard the wailing of some undead creature, begging for freedom from it's supernatural bounds."

"Mumbling foul curses at the trees and the approaching darkness of night I thought it would be best to reach home as quickly as possibly. That is, by running as fast as I could, scythe drawn."

The first paragraph definitely scared me, especially the last sentence. It sort of made my imagination wild, and I just... imagined this grey, almost wet creature in iron chains wailing as it tried to escape. It was definitely creepy.

The last one had a comedy touch to it; I like it.

20-Jun-2008 07:40:40

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