RuneScape Forum Archive | \\||~Nightmare~||//

Infinity A8

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08-Jun-2008 02:04:40

[#42J4VY9ZL]

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Can you feel? Can you see what you've done? Do you know why you've done it? There is a meaning for everything so there must be a reason for it all! Why, why!? Why did it happen? Why did YOU happen? Did you come to punish us, to pass judgement, bring us to justice?! For what purpose was your abomination of a existence created for?! What have we done to deserve this?! My mind is being torn apart by these unanswerable questions!
•Judgment is spelled wrong.
•It’s an “an” before “your abomination of >>>an<<< existence…”

I crept towards the door, floorboards creaking with every step adding to my fear. I feel the room grow colder as I step closer and closer to the cupboard. What was I doing?! I should be calling the Varrock guard not seeing for myself!
•You should be a comma in the last sentence, between “Varrock guard,” and “not seeing for myself!” Otherwise, it just seems like a run-on sentence.

This was the third nightmare i'd had during this month.
•Capitalize the I’d, and remove the “’d.” That makes it seem like a premonition that he’s going to get more nightmares, which he doesn’t know. Say, “I have had.”

I stood and made my way towards my bedroom door. After opening it and finding my way through my living room in my half sleep I opened the door to be greeted by Lily's smiling face.
•Hyphen between half-sleep looks better.

"It doesn't matter..." I muttered opening the pantry after a micro-seconds hesitation. After selecting a food item to my liking (A redberry pie) I sat it down on the kitchen bench in the adjacent room and begun to heat it.
•Microsecond doesn’t need a hyphen. Also, that seems a bit too far, considering most humans move at the fastest half a second.
•I believe you lowercase whenever you have the parenthesis’.

"Good book?" I asked upon entering the room "Mmhmm" She sounded. "It's about a boy venturing into The Wilderness to confront his fears."
•Separate the dialogue.

08-Jun-2008 02:32:08

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Lily put her book back in the backpack she'd brought in with her and crossed her arms over her knees. She then raised an eyebrow.
•Take out the “’d” in “she’d.”

"Yes! Today's adventure day!" She giggled delightfully. "Where are we off to today adventuring buddy?"
•Place a comma before “adventuring buddy.”

I smiled at Lily's enthusiasm and put my hand to my chin in thought. My smile dwindles not long after.
•Switched tenses in the sentences.

I sighed at the young girls energy went to my equipment cupboard to gather tools for the day ahead. As I walked towards the cupboard, I felt a terrible sense of foreboding. As my hand clasped the handle, visions of my nightmares bombarded my mind.
•Uh, what? The first sentence doesn’t make sense. You need a comma to make “young girl’s” possessive, and you need a “while” after that so that Noah sighed at Lily while going to the cupboard.

Nothing happens.
•Switched tenses, even though there’s nothing wrong with it, it disrupts the flow.

The walk to Draynor was anything but exciting. The citizens of the world are going about their daily buisness am was I. No one is crying for help, no demons are attacking and the monsters of The Wilderness are kept at bay by powerful magic's cast at the end of the Godwars.
•Business is spelled wrong.
• “…about their daily business >>>as<<< was I.”
•Switched tenses after that, “No one is crying…” and after that is incorrect as it reverts to present tense.

Upon reaching Draynor a score of children scurry past me waving kites, with imprints of dragons on them while pretending their toy horses are real and galloping along with them. Olivia and a market guard are scolding a teenage boy for trying to steal seeds from the stall and The Wise Old Man is going on his daily jog around town.
•Might need a comma in the first sentence to separate Noah going to Draynor and a couple of kids playing.
• “…waving kites>>>,<<< with imprints…” I don’t think you need the comma there.

08-Jun-2008 02:32:32

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Your style is sort of a feint-and-surprise sort of horror, Carrot. You feinted many first-time attempts of scaring the audience, and you get them when they're less expecting the scare. So I applaud you on that for making it work well with your story.

The main problem is you switching tenses in your story, aside from some grammar and spelling errors too.

You were able to strike a bit of fear in me when I read your nightmare scene. So, I give you a thumbs up on that too.

I'll read Page Two tomorrow.

08-Jun-2008 02:34:15

Infinity A8

Posts: 10,192 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"The main problem is you switching tenses in your story, aside from some grammar and spelling errors too."

YES IT IS! I have huge problems with my tenses and it really annoys me!

By the way, it's supposed to be in present tense.

Thanks for all the corrections you've found and will find and thanks for all the praise.

08-Jun-2008 09:57:42 - Last edited on 08-Jun-2008 10:13:43 by Infinity A8