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Abu-Bakr

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Smok Taunter

Smok Taunter

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Soon, I signed this up to be reviewed and I don't want to make an add till he posts. I did tell him this was 13 posts long and I don't want to come off like I lied.
I will be making adds though, I got them all on the computer and they just need editing.

17-Aug-2009 04:06:11

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thranon added like 30 posts before I reviewed TSE2... So really, I would've forgiven you, but thanks :)
Should be posted in an hour or so.
And here we go...
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

17-Aug-2009 04:59:35 - Last edited on 17-Aug-2009 05:32:35 by Orbestro

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
>Plot – 36/40
Pace: 17/20
- A bit slow, perhaps. And the flow is constantly interrupted by the character’s bizarre speech patterns and your own narration which can only be described as unique. Refreshing and interesting, yes, but hard to read.
Content: 19/20
- You have a solid, interesting, and (so far) well developed premise. Mostly psychological – I like that very much. Abu-Bakr looks to be an interesting man.

>Characters - 30/35
Interaction: 16/20
- Points off here for the bizarre wording used in dialogue. Are you going for an old-timey dialect or some such effect? If so, I’m not quite getting it, and am getting weirded out besies.
Development: 14/15
- Interesting and believable characters, but could be better. I have to admit, I was constantly confused as to who was who. They need more distinction.

>Description - 27/30
Character: 13/15
- Took off points here for their introduction, which I believe caused some of my earlier problems. Doing things all at once, especially with four characters, pretty much guarantees that the reader won’t remember all of who each person is.
Setting: 14/15
- Beautiful and appropriately hostile throughout. The desert was almost a character in itself – very well done.

>Style - 20/25
Voice: 12/15
- Your writing style is certainly distinctive – but not completely in a good way. There was a lot of re-reading done on my part to be sure I understood what you were trying to say.
Consistency: 8/10

>Mechanics - 15/20
Syntax: 11/15
- As mentioned, strange and not immediately understandable phrasing throughout.
Spelling: 4/5
- Just a few typos.

>>>Overall - 128/150, or 85%
Lorehound
through and through.

17-Aug-2009 05:48:06

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Notes:
The story starts off…interestingly. Metaphors abound, but I can’t quite see how they relate to what you’re describing? Or make sense? Several re-readings led me to what I believe is what through me off.

“Like the long body of the asp and the adder the dunes crawl along the desert floor.”
Snakes don’t crawl, really, they slither. But dunes don’t slither. I get the image of their movement from the simile – it’s a good one – but I did*’t get that image the first time around. Consider rewording?
“To do so with no camel and water is to be exiled from home. To forever recite poetry under the burning eye."
So if the people from home catch you out in the desert unprepared they go “Gotcha! You’re exiled”? If you mean to say, *to do so with no camel and no water is to die, and thus be forever exiled from home’, then okay - say that. It** too abstract. And the last sentence is just…eh? Am I missing some literary reference?
I’m pointing out these first two devices because I really don’t like having to re-read things. A story should flow, and should (mostly) make sense on the first try. Abstract metaphors/similes are only effective when the reader has a means by which to understand them contained within the novel.
“There are four ridding on dying horses. Three of the metropolis Varrock and one of the city Falador.”
‘ridding’ should be ‘riding’. Consider changing both ‘of’s to ‘from’s, as the second sentence reads awkwardly.
“Their names, unimportant to the desert are:”
Everything following this has an excessive amount of *of’. It’s strange wording, and unless this is intentional, consider rephrasing.
“They were set on a pilgrimage to a shrine in which they were to reinforce and protect for other pilgrims.”
Delete ‘in’.
“They reluctantly cast of their helmets which landed in the sand with soft thuds.”
‘of’ should be ‘off’.
Lorehound
through and through.

17-Aug-2009 05:48:29 - Last edited on 17-Aug-2009 05:49:59 by Orbestro

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“And out of the four his armor was the better and finest, a symbol of wealth and status that could be so easily spent on such displays.”
‘better and finest’ should be either ‘best’ or ‘finest’ – they mean the same thing, no use being redundant. Or at least ‘best and finest’, as ‘better and finest’ is grammatically questionable – pairing a comparative with a superlative.
“We would be safe with that and they’ll us off free.”
I think there’s a word missing.
“After no amount of urging did the horse move.”
Literally, this means after not urging it at all, the horse did*’t move. Consider rephrasing.
Page 2:
“He heard he was a ghost or a demon that traveled in sandstorms and upon the hot wind with his:”
With his*what?
“These deserts, as useless they are, are ours. Not his, they belong to that of Saradomin and Misthalin.”
Your characters have been talking strangely throughout, but I had to comment on this. ‘they belong to that of Saradomin’? Consider…making them talk normal.
“I fought him battle once.”
‘I fought him *in* battle once’, or ‘I saw him battle once’, but what you have now doesn’t work.
******************
Okey-doke. Well, I enjoyed many parts of this tale. As always, I hope you continue writing and improving ^_^
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

17-Aug-2009 05:49:16 - Last edited on 17-Aug-2009 05:53:10 by Orbestro

Smok Taunter

Smok Taunter

Posts: 58,110 Emerald Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you for the review Orbie.
And the reference to forever reciting poetry is a reference to Arabic culture. Poetry was very important around this period amoungst islamic kingdoms. So much so some children weren't fed at a certin age until they could produce a line of it.
And yes, I was going for a kind of dated feel to it. I might have done with periodic re-referencing to the four characters through out.

17-Aug-2009 17:45:16

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