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~^v^~ Kashan's Tale ~^v^~

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Wizard Alex

Wizard Alex

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You step back from your lonely 'thread' intertwining itself in your life's carpet, as two warriors armed in dirty iron slash through the clearing, rushing towards you and your weaving 'profile'.

Suddenly, you feel chilled, not cold, exactly, but more like a nice breeze on the beach at a picnic that I am sure you must know the feeling of, as must of us do.

You look up, and see the figures in iron frozen in ice. Through their transparent crystaline positions is a black robed figure with long red hair, blue eyes, and a beret hanging over his white, smiling face.

He puts away his purple, anceint, staff and takes out a clay figure, waves, smiles, and winks, and throws the clay figure at the ground.

The figure explodes, and where the man was standing lies in the dirt the figure of a perfectly drawn gnome with a flag running towards a castle being chased by howling warriors.

On the flag, clearly enscribed is the message: Boo-wump.

The wind picks up, and the figure is gone, leaving a ball of complimentary ball of wool for you to continue your thread with.

/\0/\Unofficial Poet of the Undergroundpass/\0/\
~Remember: Only YOU can prevent Narcissism~

07-Nov-2006 00:23:49

Star Man 11

Star Man 11

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Bottom of first story post after the prologue, grammar mistake. “Hey Kashan, grab your claws with you!”

Change 'grab' to 'bring'

“Fine, but we’re NOT going further in than so we always keep the town in view.”
Missing some words or something. First page, third post after prologue.

maybe 5’12
Sixth post, third page. Change it to 6'.

I was nearing a lethal dose dose
Eigth post, third page, dose dose looks like a typo.

In something other than pointing out mistakes, I'm on page 11 right now, though I have to go to sleep and can't keep reading. This is one the best things I've ever read! EVER!!

07-Nov-2006 00:34:32 - Last edited on 07-Nov-2006 02:20:08 by Star Man 11

[#80N8R0VWZ]

[#80N8R0VWZ]

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Star, I can't really see what's wrong with the grab-bring thing...isn't grab just a less formal word for bring? Meh, might be that my sense for the language is a bit messed up...

With the missing words, I agree, but can't think of anything to put instead...any suggestions?

The inch thing...yeah, I made the first part of this when I didn't really understand the system, lol :P Still don't, but now I know how to calculate from metres to feet and inches XD

Yeah, the dose thing was a typo. Thanks a million for pointing these out, man! I'll get'on'em ASAP!

And thanks for the compliments, lol ^_^ Always nice to receive those :P

07-Nov-2006 22:28:29 - Last edited on 07-Nov-2006 22:29:32 by [#80N8R0VWZ]

Star Man 11

Star Man 11

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...one more complaint I forgot :-)
The asteriks (censored) words. Just kinda a nuisance. And 5'1 really isn't short. It's more closer to just below average. I'm 5'2 and I'm average. short 4'10, tall is about 6 feet.

For easy conversion, a meter is basically a yard. One yard equals three feet. One foot equals 12 inches. 1 inch is about two and a half centimeters. Or you could just ask me for height suggestions :-). As for replacement words, I need to look back at my other post first. There ARE other mistakes I noticed but didn't put down, I just didn't want to put too many out there for you. And I was too deep in the story.

“Fine, but we’re NOT going further in than so we always keep the town in view.”
Change to:
'Fine, but we're NOT going so far in that we can't see the town.'


Also the grab thing, the words aren't really the same. Grab is more to pick up, bring is to take along. In that sentence it's just grammatically incorrect.

Also is English not your first language? Just curious to know.

07-Nov-2006 23:15:32 - Last edited on 07-Nov-2006 23:20:13 by Star Man 11

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