RuneScape Forum Archive | Presence in the Depths

Azigarath

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(continued from previous page)

“It seems that the damage to my skeletal structure and having to endure the stress of the fall rendered them next to unusable.”
Undoubtedly, this definitely would render your bones unusable. Note that people usually understand what happens when bones break. It is good to include descriptions and explanations, but at the same time, try not to provide too much details on consequences people can clearly comprehend.

Down below, you encounter strange mushrooms and vegetation, something I really liked, though you don’t describe them or the creatures. You build a shelter in soft rock (sandstone?), your damaged skeleton not affecting your abilities so much, and are then attacked by a rat-like creature.

“I raised my shield to guard against it, able to throw it off, but not without some dents in my armor and some minor wounds where the chainmail was weak.”
If an animal can bite dents in your armour, there isn’t much point wearing that kind of armour. You mention that there are areas where your chainmail is weak, though I don’t know what that means. Presumably, some areas are not riveted, or do not have the 4-in-1 pattern, or are already damaged. You stomp on the rat and it dies within seconds.

*I had eased the threat”
Yes, you said it died last paragraph :/

“the flesh feeling tough on the outside yet having a disgustingly squishy core”
This is really good. Note that you describe touch in here, physical feelings, and this helps make the story feel real.

You eat some moss, which tickles your mouth. You kill some undescribed creatures with your pickaxe, and then go to sleep after setting up a magical trap. You awaken a while later, when mysterious men appear to talk to you about something, and that’s all for the story for now.

26-Feb-2015 04:57:56

Azigarath

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Spelling is quite good, but key details are absent; it is up to the reader to discover what’s happening. For example, there are no descriptions of how you look like, what the armour is, or how the scenery looks like. At times, this reads like a mentioning various occurrences. It may be a good idea to take more freedom from RuneScape gameplay mechanics, with more emphasis on bodily needs as you portray often.

You may also consider adding thoughts, descriptions of how the mines look like, describing what the creatures look like, and so on, to help expand the storytelling. It’s also a good idea to include smell, sounds, sight and other senses in descriptions, too (such as when you described rocks hit the buckler; sound and touch). By the end of everything, just do whatever you want, that’s the best thing to do.

26-Feb-2015 04:58:10

Jun

2016

Zorial

Posts: 2,537 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Thank you for your feedback, both positive and negative. I will go over my work later and keep it in mind while revising. I hope you'll keep on reading and giving constructive feedback. Thanks again! ^^

02-Mar-2015 23:47:31

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

You're welcome, it's nice to see that I finally commented on a story with an author who actually replies! Seems like every time I comment, the thread was already dead.

Speaking of negative feedback, was there anything you felt that was done badly on my side? I don't consider "negative feedback" good, so if you feel I did something wrong, feel free to say what I did badly. Even if it's just opinion-based, I am always glad for people to speak out on anything I could do better.

But yes, I will continue to read the story. As I said in my feedback, just be sure to do whatever you want to, you're free to disregard what I had to say. If you prefer, say, a minimalistic manner of storytelling, that's ok, too, you're more than welcome to develop your own style. Just note that not everyone plays RuneScape, such as myself, who basically doesn't know anything about what happens in RuneScape anymore.

Oh, and fyi, I can also be found on Wattpad, another site dedicated to stories. My username their is JonathanKonopka in case you are interested.

Well, that's all for now, see you next time.

03-Mar-2015 03:18:47

Jun

2016

Zorial

Posts: 2,537 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

UPDATE: Sorry for the lack of update, I've been busy and have started another writing project that I intend to officially publish. As of now, this is on hiatus. I have some more ideas for this story based on recently released quests and the World Event, however!

20-Jun-2015 14:25:47

Jun

2016

Zorial

Posts: 2,537 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

~The Threat of Madness, Continued~

Day in, day out, or their equivalent in these depths, I found myself exploring, mining, dispatching beasts, sustaining myself on moss, and suffering through nightmare filled sleep. All on limited and diminishing supplies, damaged armor, and a ragged body that despite being more durable than most humans', had taken brutal punishment.

This place was no place for an Icyene.
Even for one as well versed in the underground as I.

I found myself almost not able to take it anymore...then I heard a voice, imposing, dark, intimidating yet weirdly comforting, seeming to echo out of the darkness itself.

“You are far from the sky, winged one.”

Then I saw several figures that looked like, at a distance, darkly garbed and grey skinned men that seemed to emerge as manifestations of the shadows themselves.

~The Beings from the Shadows~

At first, I thought they were merely apparitions. Perhaps this place was like the rift poor Tolna was trapped in, a place where the maladies of the mind were made real.

No, that couldn't be. This was too far from Senntisten, or too deep, I thought, ruling out that possibility.

There were three of them, two male forms, one female. One of them looked like they were wearing a strange yet oddly familiar black leather that was carefully stitched into archer’s armor. The face of the one that wore it was even more interesting; it looked somewhat human, yet bestial, with skin that reminded me of the color of stone. He had a set of piercing blue catlike eyes, ears that looked torn by my standards but had no scars or wounds, and on closed lips the shadows of fangs showed, black hair tied behind his head. The warrior wore a helmet made out of a metal that gleamed like obsidian, so I couldn't see his face, but with the spikes on the rest of his heavy armor...it was impressive yet certainly unnerving.

16-Jun-2016 16:39:18

Jun

2016

Zorial

Posts: 2,537 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

~The Beings from the Shadows, Continued~

The woman with them was hooded and garbed in a dark robe, fringes of dark brown hair peeking out under her hood and claws at the end of her fingertips. What craftsmanship! Even in the dark I could see patterns embroidered on the fabric with silver and navy-blue.

The total sum, a weird blend between man and beast that was equal parts intriguing and uncanny.

It was somewhat familiar, too...It had been so long since I had encountered the Dorgeshuun for the first time....this was an analogous feeling. Only these beings seemed to be more dangerous, and perhaps far more organized and present than the cave goblins. As for how I figured that...it was something about their collective garb. It looked refined, as if from centuries to millennia of artisans passed down to the present age, with materials that it would take many workers to acquire en masse.

*Who...are you? What sort of beings are you?” I asked, tentatively. There were more questions that could have been asked, certainly, but those were the most pertinent.

“We are known as the Talpadorians.” The archer spoke, with the same voice that had called out to me before. “Ordinarily, you would have remained utterly unaware of us. Our race’s definition of peace is that no one knows of our existence.”

“Then why are you showing yourself to me, then? That seems to be a contradiction.” I responded, peaceably as I could.

“We will escort you to the surface, and erase the memory of your time here. One in the depths is bad enough; we don’t need the alarm your missing person would cause.” He responded, in a diplomatic yet curt fashion.

Nightmares, fear of death, paranoia… yet also discovery. After weighing things in my mind for a moment, though I thought it was worth losing my memory of the time here, if I was guaranteed a safe trip to the surface. I did*’t seem to have much of a choice, anyhow.

16-Jun-2016 16:40:38

Jun

2016

Zorial

Posts: 2,537 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

~The Beings from the Shadows, Continued~

“Alright then. Thank you; please guide me.” I said, before remembering the things at my camp. “But what abo-”

The warrior was inexplicably beside me, my gear in hand, neatly assembled. It was efficient, yes...but the speed left me somewhat unnerved.

“But first.” The female Talpadorian interrupted with a subtle stride, approaching me, fingers curled around what looked like a rune stone with a symbol I couldn’t recognize that was emitting a dark aura. I tensed up momentarily, unsure of what she’d do.

“Do not fear, winged one, this is meant to heal, not hurt.” She said, her voice slightly more docile ,when compared with her companions but still with a dark ring to it. She approached me and placing a hand on my form, threads of dark energy changing to a refreshing cyan blue, the color of my aura, as a wave of energy and relief washed over my body, bones seeming to mend and wounds closing. What a mysterious and unique spell…

“Wow...I’ve never seen a spell like that one before. What was it?” I asked, certainly feeling well enough to be inquisitive now, stretching the newly mended wings. Even for such a short time I missed being able to use them. Poor Garlandia...

“I suppose I can oblige, seeing our policy....” She said, mumbling to herself and adjusting her hood. “Very well. That was Shadowmend; we draw upon the power of the Darkness and convert it into life energy, which then sets bones, mends organs, closes wounds...For us, the Darkness is our life.” At that moment, she seemed to perk up considerably.

*Let us continue on, we can converse while we move to the surface, winged one.” The archer spoke again, beckoning the two other Talpadorians and myself, who both turned to meet him. They gathered, and started walking towards a particular passageway, myself following.

16-Jun-2016 16:42:12 - Last edited on 16-Jun-2016 16:42:53 by Zorial

Jun

2016

Zorial

Posts: 2,537 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

~The Beings from the Shadows, Continued~

“I know of some shadow magic...But I’ve never seen it being used like that. What more can you do with it?” I inquired to the female once again.

“Oh, very much.” She said, with a smile that made her look almost catlike and tame. “Though, I am still in the process of learning. It takes time, introspection, devotion, to studies, to Veiron to progress in one’s knowledge and evolution. But ah, the results.” She said, almost as if she were in some kind of bliss, still grinning from ear to ear.

“Veiron? Who is that?” I asked, the name unfamiliar to me.

“Ah, that’s right, you who dwell on the surface have your own gods....I shall explain. While mortals are not the pawns of gods, ours have helped us and guided us. Veiron is the eldest of three brothers, and the patron of seers and sages. The younger brothers are Suflax, the patron deity of our soldiers, unmatched with a blade, and Sanothos, the patron of our assassins and hunters, and our equivalent to the surface’s Death.

“Though, now that you have asked of me, I wish to ask of you. What race are you of? I have never seen one of your sort before.* She asked.

“I am an Icyene.” I explained. “From what I understand...we come from another plane, a plane of harsh icy environments where we must use our wings to migrate from time to time. As far as I’ve heard. I can** say...I’ve had much contact with my own kind, they’re rare on Gielinor these days, and I think I was born here, not the homeworld. It’*...a little complicated.” I explained, perhaps not in the most organized fashion. “We are associated with Saradomin on the surface, as he conquered their homeworld a time ago and recruited them to his armies, but I am not aligned with him.” I explained, briefly as I could.

“Curious…” She replied, seeming to mull over some things in her head, her expression conveying a mix of emotions. *What caused you to desert?” She did*’t seem judgmental, only wishing to understand.

16-Jun-2016 16:44:05

Jun

2016

Zorial

Posts: 2,537 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

~The Beings from the Shadows, Continued~

“...Saradomin seems too small minded, too self absorbed to see the greater concerns of this world, and has been given to pride and violence, with little signs of repentance….Among other things.* I said, trying to collect my thoughts, mull over the memories and testimonies. I was not fully in the mood to untangle the mess of conflict of personality that being the White Guardian entailed at the moment. “However, my parents believed in his philosophy and they treated me and everyone they knew very well.”

“I see.” She said. “So, who do you align yourself with, then?”

“That doesn’t matter as much.” I commented in a hasty manner.

Oh, but if I could keep my memory, what a tale it would have been to tell to my friends, to Juna, to the historians at Varrock, and especially the other Slayer Masters….him especially. They seemed to be just like his sort, living in the deep underground. But I couldn’t betray my hosts, the idea repulsed me, given I’d consented. If only, though…

“OH! I came down here to defeat a Living Rock Patriarch…” I said, subconsciously holding up my finger.

“No matter, winged one. We will help you defeat it so you will have no reason to come back here.* The soldier said a bit bluntly.

They guided me through the corridors as I marveled at the caves as I followed my hosts. There were stones of all kinds that I hadn’t seen before, creatures that did*’t attack, strange fungi that looked like they came straight from Zanaris. Despite how gargantuan the tunnel system seemed to me, they seemed to navigate it with ease, as if their race had an intricate map of this entire tunnel system ingrained in their souls. How were their senses different from humans and from Icyene, not to mention other races?

16-Jun-2016 16:46:01

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Presence in the Depths