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~` Illusions `~

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WintryElf

WintryElf

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Please note that my corrections are in chronological order and may be found through a ctrl-F.

Capt Chekaka’s Review: Illusions

49-50-309-58156467

Advanced-Medium

Prose

SPELLING AND GRAMMAR CORRECTIONS

The weight was heavy, but his four years with the army commander had made him stronger than the normal civilian, and, with his weapon by his side, he was also a far more deadly force.

I don’t think there should be a comma after ‘and.’

“This man,” Anthoni started, “was sent by Rezod to kill me.

I think this should be ‘stated.’

If they are able to accomplish this, then, by all means, there will be no king.

Unless this is from the narrator’s perspective, you hopped tenses.

Its rays lighted the world for all to see, and its presence calmed many who feared that which walked within the darkness.

Lit, not lighted.

Quickly, the small, balding man turned and gave a look of wanting to his companion.

Do men usually give looks of wanting to other men? O.o

Looking up, he saw the rooftops merged into one and covered the street with its large presence.

Their large presences.

The shop was fairly bland: a wooden counter that held the money and all other things that related to the running of the store, a few bookshelves that were stocked to the top with stories about great adventurers, and the rest of the “decorations” were the swords that hung from the ceiling and walls, each a different size or color.

Stacked to the top, I would think.

Jacob and Landon stepped out of the large bank, cleared and ready to go.

What do you mean by ‘cleared?’ Cleared of all charges? Or were you trying to say ‘cleaned?’

After they purchased the sword, the two travelers had made their way over to the bank, which was located a little farther past the courtyard.

After they –had- purchased the sword.

Also, in the midst of it all, a pair a rounded glasses sat on her face, adding a touch of perfection; for beneath them sat two deep eyes of endless blue.

A pair of rounded glasses.

03-Mar-2009 05:34:10

WintryElf

WintryElf

Posts: 1,194 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The glistening advisor, annoyed with his bodily fluids, gripped a cloth firmly out of his pocket and dabbed his forehead, then moving to his glasses and wiping them clean.

How do you grip a cloth out of your pocket?

And you hopped tenses again: ~dabbed his forehead, then moving...~

“As I was saying, the western roads lead to Atiolgo and Tusxer, another of the king’s trouble cities.

Troubled.

“Good then,” Jacob said flatly. “I think it’ll be easy to find him, then.”

Too many ‘then’s.’

Not even the scenery changed during the grueling walk, making it so they did not even have the luxury of daydreaming of scrutinizing their surroundings.

Do you mean that they couldn’t dream of examining their surroundings, or that there was nothing to examine as the scenery was never altered?

I believe the worst threat to us within this hellish abode is the wolf; its devilish mind is capable of hunting, and killing, even the brightest of men.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but the commas after 'hunting' as well as 'killing' are unnecessary.

Their eyes began to deceive them; shadows seeped out from the corners of their eyes, forcing them to keep on guard at any and all times.

‘Keep’ could be replaced with ‘remain.’ I think that it would sound better.

Korinth Hidal had been in the same position for over five hours now, burning through the books of the royal library in an attempt to find more information on Seilo; it had granted little reward than expected.

Less reward? It was less rewarding? She garnered fewer rewards? Either way, not *little reward.’

Jacob stopped for a moment and pondered the situation: they could find a path, which may take a few extra hours,

Might instead of may, I think that’s another tense hop; correct me if I’m wrong.

She couldn’t believe it; the knowledge that her life together for so long was wrong.

~that had held her life together...

03-Mar-2009 05:36:36

WintryElf

WintryElf

Posts: 1,194 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“King Rezod has another take he would like you to take part in.

Task.

he attacks us with his taxes like we are nothing but sheep, luck enough to find help from a passing shepherd?”

Lucky.

“It is enough to drive men over there moral boundaries; I have found this to be true, now."

Their. And perhaps remove the ‘now* or make it, ‘I have now found this to be true.'

“Why do you not use you shield, fool?”

Your.

(Anthoni) Why do you not use your shield, fool?

“You do not have one, and I shall honor the pact I made when I first saw you and laid you on my horse: as you have requested, you shall continue with your task; this is now a duel, and the rules of a duel state that I may use only what you have. Since you do not have a shield, I will not use mine.”

Drake frowned and replied, “Your morals shall lead you down a dark path, my friend. In this world, one must take advantage of everything… and anything.” His sword slashed to one side and in his hand materialized a shield, colored the same as his blade, out of seemingly nowhere. Its curved edge, sharpened it seemed, slashed through the air as it tightened its grip around his forearm. Anthoni flinched at the sight and tried to grab his own shield, but Drake darted forward in an attack.

Hold on, I don’t see who’s talking here. Speakers are all mixed up. It’s a new line, so Drake should be talking, but Anthoni was the one to lay Drake on his horse.. and Anthoni can’t use magic. o_O

out of seemingly nowhere.

Seemingly out of nowhere.

Anthoni rolled to one side and the sword sunk into the soft earth, easily pushing through it as Drake followed through with the blow. In the corner of his eye, though, Anthoni saw the edge of the shield coming down at him, an he rolled onto his back before delivering a kick to Drake’s chest and sending him stumbling a few feet away.

03-Mar-2009 05:39:19

WintryElf

WintryElf

Posts: 1,194 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sliding to his feet, Anthoni repositioned himself with his sword and pressed heavily on his left foot, anticipating Drake’s next move. The assassin regained control of himself and faced Anthoni, staring into his eyes with a brooding hate; it was time.

Drake’s right arm, holding the sword, swung at him with a reversed blow, but Anthoni was able to sweep it away with a turn on his own wrist. His foe’s body continued through the momentum, though, swinging to the right and the shield came raging towards him. Ducking, Anthoni found his opportunity.

Hold on, Drake’s sword is still stuck in the dirt. How did it appear in his hand?

Landon sat straight up and looked at Brexton, staring into his eyes that had since attached themselves to his body.

Too wordy. Cut it off at –staring into his eyes.-

Anthoni’s arm darted upwards and sent Drake’s sword plummeting into the river, falling to its depths in a matter of seconds from the weight. The general’s shield then curved into a second direction, and Drake’s chest was ripped from its standing point, sending his body to the ground.

The soldier rolled to his feet and held his shield in one hand, searching for his blade in a mad rush of adrenaline. He had used most of his energy to save himself, and was tiring from the extraneous actions of the battle. Unable to locate his weapon fast enough, though, his eyes moved upwards and caught those of Drake, which were bleeding with rage and intensity.

Drake tossed his shield to the ground and lifted the dagger from the space it had landed, holding it with cruel intent, ready to finish Anthoni, who was defenseless. The two circled one another, staring endlessly, until, finally, Drake plunged into the fray.

I’m losing track of this. Can you explain it more clearly? Who’s sword is lost, and who’s lying on the ground? O_o

Korinth was crushed and could not even cry out as she saw he brother be cremated alive; she just looked on.

Her brother. And how can she see if she’s crushed?

03-Mar-2009 05:41:16

WintryElf

WintryElf

Posts: 1,194 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
its color, slowly, began to change.

Take out both commas.

Candlelight lit the bar in a fragile glow as the bartender touched a match to the tip of several that rested along the counter

Were matches invented? O_o

“Who are you to command me?” Brexton inquired, stepping with a daring stare that struck into the heart of the common salesman.

LOL. I love this. But it really should be ‘...struck fear into the heart...’

Withholding his anger, Brexton could do nothing by reclaim his place beside Anthoni

But reclaim his place.

I think that, if we are to even be close to successful on this mission, we will need men with their expertise to lead us their.

There.

“That note weighs heavily on all of our minds, an the warning it has given does not help.”

And.

Maxwell slipped the sharpened point of his blade softly between his fingers, trying to identify the quality of the metal he possessed, and how it would fair in battle.

Fare.

03-Mar-2009 05:42:28

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