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Serus Breyba
Jul Member 2017

Serus Breyba

Posts: 173 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Rosh, I have to say this. By just looking and skimming through your story, I was truly amazed. The detail is so descriptive, the story concept is so fluent, the story itself isn't a story at all, but a living, breathing fact of a true author who puts his imagination to work that rampages through the imagination of those who read this thread. I would love to read through your story when I get the chance to truly understand what is happening and to find out what happens to the characters in your amazing, mind bending, reality breaking story. Keep writing when you get the chance. I would love to see your work in a book in the real world. You should try to write this down on paper in you house, then send it to a publisher. Truly amazing work here Ros*, truly, amazing.

07-Sep-2008 04:43:45 - Last edited on 07-Sep-2008 04:44:31 by Serus Breyba

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
mouth. a lead ball sank heavily
Capital letter.
a reply. but
Comma, not a full stop.
calling in life; he would
I think an ellipse(sp?(...)) would be better.
think someone got through.”
Full stop should be a question mark?
used to be many.... had
Three, not four.
“Either way, anyway it's the one thing the Officials
Get rid of the either way or anyway. Just doesn't flow.
her Uncle's Aunt......”
I think a double hyphen would look a lot nicer. (--)
truth to the reports
This isn't a have to change. I just think of the reports sounds a little more flowing.
were stories....
Three fullstops, again.
~~~~~
I'm liking it. The first chapter is always slow, but you've added a little bit of action, which is nice.
Try not to make the sentences too heavy. Some sentences during those posts were getting really close to run-on sentences. Short sentences are nice.
Keep it up, Roshie! This could be good! Please, something as good as Outlander!

07-Sep-2008 10:00:14 - Last edited on 07-Sep-2008 10:01:14 by 97swiftarm

[#NKRIZUARJ]

[#NKRIZUARJ]

Posts: 1,139 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"I didn't finish the chapter as promised, but at least it's another something to keep you all (and by all I mean just DS so far) content. "
Add me to the list of eagerly awaiting fans, I've been checking here every day for adds! It just keeps getting better with every add.
>_>
<_<
The people from the rift are from Gielnor, am I right?

By the way...
"Willow didn't bother to answer..."
Who's Willow? O_o

07-Sep-2008 23:18:32 - Last edited on 07-Sep-2008 23:19:33 by [#NKRIZUARJ]

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