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The ScapeRune War
Quick find code: 49-50-235-59140175
Here's your review from Full Circle Reviews
>Plot – 33/40
Pace: 17/20
-I enjoy a fast paced story, but you move at such a break-neck speed, there’s not much time for anything else at all.
Content: 16/20
-Similar issue. It’s good, but you race through it, and by the last page I really had no idea what was happening or how we got there. How’d they get cars? Weren’t they all killed by elves? Just…confusion. Bad confusion.
>Characters - 17/35
Interaction: 12/20
-Acceptable, but your *characters* never show any *character* - interaction is the best way to develop characters, and you just don’t.
Development: 5/15
-A brief backstory gives you *some* points, but as a rule your characters are thinner than paper. They are the causalities of the light speed pace of your story.
>Description - 24/30
Character: 12/15
-It was there, at least. But you never describe faces – hair and height is not enough. The face is the most important and memorable part of a person.
Setting: 11/15
-I always got some vague impression of the setting, but never anything solid. It was helped greatly by the countless war movies set in this exact setting, with very similar things happening to the unlucky soldiers. So, yay for cliché? No! What am I saying? But it did help.
>Style - 22/25
Voice: 13/15
-You have a nice writing style.
Consistency: 9/10
-But, you don’t always keep up that nice style.
>Mechanics - 18/20
Syntax: 14/15
-Surprisingly good – I smell some excellent editing.
Spelling: 4/5
-Ditto.
>>>Overall - 114/150, or 76%
>Plot – 33/40
Pace: 17/20
-I enjoy a fast paced story, but you move at such a break-neck speed, there’s not much time for anything else at all.
Content: 16/20
-Similar issue. It’s good, but you race through it, and by the last page I really had no idea what was happening or how we got there. How’d they get cars? Weren’t they all killed by elves? Just…confusion. Bad confusion.
>Characters - 17/35
Interaction: 12/20
-Acceptable, but your *characters* never show any *character* - interaction is the best way to develop characters, and you just don’t.
Development: 5/15
-A brief backstory gives you *some* points, but as a rule your characters are thinner than paper. They are the causalities of the light speed pace of your story.
>Description - 24/30
Character: 12/15
-It was there, at least. But you never describe faces – hair and height is not enough. The face is the most important and memorable part of a person.
Setting: 11/15
-I always got some vague impression of the setting, but never anything solid. It was helped greatly by the countless war movies set in this exact setting, with very similar things happening to the unlucky soldiers. So, yay for cliché? No! What am I saying? But it did help.
>Style - 22/25
Voice: 13/15
-You have a nice writing style.
Consistency: 9/10
-But, you don’t always keep up that nice style.
>Mechanics - 18/20
Syntax: 14/15
-Surprisingly good – I smell some excellent editing.
Spelling: 4/5
-Ditto.
>>>Overall - 114/150, or 76%
Lorehound
through and through.
29-Oct-2009 05:29:44
Comments:
“Turning in a wide circle, he headed for the Gnome airbase, just north of Ardougne. Faintly behind him, he heard five booming sounds, before seeing in the rear camera a massive column of fire belch into the sky, tearing through the clouds. Smiling to himself, he turned back to the landing strip and lowered his craft to the ground, before walking off to report to his senior officer.”
“Yes sir, we found an ammunition factory two days in.”
These two statements do not fit together very well. In the first paragraph, you make it seem like it took him about 20 seconds to get back, land his plane, and be on his way to his senior officer. If that flight took 2 days, or any portion of time longer than 20 seconds, that first paragraph needs a bit more meat in it. It would be a good time to add a bit of character to Roul.
_____
“He was tall, and had spiky hair and dreadlocks.”
“He had dark, spiky hair…”
First off, I don’t understand how someone can have spikes *and* dreadlocks. And why do all your supposedly adult character wear their hair like teenagers?
_____
In Chapter 6, how the heck is he laying such a beat-down from a bed – or whatever he’s on. He’s lying down. He’s really badly hurt. The dude can just take a step backwards and – bam – out of reach. A single punch would be believable. What happened was borderline outrageous.
Corrections:
Page 1
>However, they had never sold the designs to any other kingdoms, meaning that the other kingdoms couldn’t train in them, and as they were totally different to any other type of Gnome-Plane, no-one except Falador Guard could fly them.
A run-on sentence is not a happy sentence. Make your sentences happy
“Turning in a wide circle, he headed for the Gnome airbase, just north of Ardougne. Faintly behind him, he heard five booming sounds, before seeing in the rear camera a massive column of fire belch into the sky, tearing through the clouds. Smiling to himself, he turned back to the landing strip and lowered his craft to the ground, before walking off to report to his senior officer.”
“Yes sir, we found an ammunition factory two days in.”
These two statements do not fit together very well. In the first paragraph, you make it seem like it took him about 20 seconds to get back, land his plane, and be on his way to his senior officer. If that flight took 2 days, or any portion of time longer than 20 seconds, that first paragraph needs a bit more meat in it. It would be a good time to add a bit of character to Roul.
_____
“He was tall, and had spiky hair and dreadlocks.”
“He had dark, spiky hair…”
First off, I don’t understand how someone can have spikes *and* dreadlocks. And why do all your supposedly adult character wear their hair like teenagers?
_____
In Chapter 6, how the heck is he laying such a beat-down from a bed – or whatever he’s on. He’s lying down. He’s really badly hurt. The dude can just take a step backwards and – bam – out of reach. A single punch would be believable. What happened was borderline outrageous.
Corrections:
Page 1
>However, they had never sold the designs to any other kingdoms, meaning that the other kingdoms couldn’t train in them, and as they were totally different to any other type of Gnome-Plane, no-one except Falador Guard could fly them.
A run-on sentence is not a happy sentence. Make your sentences happy
Lorehound
through and through.
29-Oct-2009 05:30:02
Page 3
>He was in the middle of coming around in a wide loop, and so when his tyres got destroyed…
‘tyres’ should be ‘tires’.
>Startled, Roal’s gunner was to slow to react, and had his blasted off as a result.
Had his what blasted off? I wanna know
>Only to see Roal do a most unexpected thing: he straight at the soldier, knocking them both off the buggy.
Missing a verb.
> In the ruddy light from the setting sun, the helicopter, with its long, slanted nose and curved back, looked like a hummingbird.
Hummingbirds don’t have noses. They have beaks – like you said. That imagery needs some work.
>In them was thirty Tactical Reconnaissance Scouts, Falador’s famous TRS’s.
Was there really thirty of them? No. There were.
_____
That's the end of it. This was a fun story to read - I am required to criticize, but honestly this was an enjoyable light read. As always, I hope you keep writing and improving.
~
rbie
>He was in the middle of coming around in a wide loop, and so when his tyres got destroyed…
‘tyres’ should be ‘tires’.
>Startled, Roal’s gunner was to slow to react, and had his blasted off as a result.
Had his what blasted off? I wanna know
>Only to see Roal do a most unexpected thing: he straight at the soldier, knocking them both off the buggy.
Missing a verb.
> In the ruddy light from the setting sun, the helicopter, with its long, slanted nose and curved back, looked like a hummingbird.
Hummingbirds don’t have noses. They have beaks – like you said. That imagery needs some work.
>In them was thirty Tactical Reconnaissance Scouts, Falador’s famous TRS’s.
Was there really thirty of them? No. There were.
_____
That's the end of it. This was a fun story to read - I am required to criticize, but honestly this was an enjoyable light read. As always, I hope you keep writing and improving.
~
rbie
Lorehound
through and through.
29-Oct-2009 05:31:36
Name: Sylux
Age: 23
Race: (Elf, ScapeRune Elf, Dwarf etc.) Human
Allegiance: (ScapeRune, Runescape) Runescape
Kingdom*: (Falador, the Gno(ck Alliance, etc.) Freminik Isles
Military Unit*: (Falador White Lions, Gno(ck 415th airborne, etc. Make your own up if you want)F.S.O Freminik Special Operations
Military Unit Description**: F.S.O 9.
Appearance: Ragged Hair, Dark Skin Tone, Cut and Bruised Face.
Weapons: Freminik Blade
Personality: Serious.
Short History: Sylux was one of the earliest members of the Freminik Secret Service to move onto the F.S.O 9 . He was one of the best members and was sent to try and destory the Gnome-Glider plans and name it the Freminik Plane. He was then later found out by the gnomes and was set to be killed by the King Black Dragon but being clever he escaped but was then lter foudn and killed at first sight.
Secret Word
Codename?) Clutch.
Age: 23
Race: (Elf, ScapeRune Elf, Dwarf etc.) Human
Allegiance: (ScapeRune, Runescape) Runescape
Kingdom*: (Falador, the Gno(ck Alliance, etc.) Freminik Isles
Military Unit*: (Falador White Lions, Gno(ck 415th airborne, etc. Make your own up if you want)F.S.O Freminik Special Operations
Military Unit Description**: F.S.O 9.
Appearance: Ragged Hair, Dark Skin Tone, Cut and Bruised Face.
Weapons: Freminik Blade
Personality: Serious.
Short History: Sylux was one of the earliest members of the Freminik Secret Service to move onto the F.S.O 9 . He was one of the best members and was sent to try and destory the Gnome-Glider plans and name it the Freminik Plane. He was then later found out by the gnomes and was set to be killed by the King Black Dragon but being clever he escaped but was then lter foudn and killed at first sight.
Secret Word
Codename?) Clutch.
07-Nov-2009 11:42:59
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