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~The Treasure of Raduon~

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Abyszero
Nov Member 2020

Abyszero

Posts: 1,841 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
AMAZING, excellent (may I say flawless?) intro. And to top it off my bro decides to watch Pirates of the Caribbean videos as soon as I finished reading :P . 10/10

Being the fussy old grouch that I am, I noticed 1, count 'em 1, improvement that could be made.
"The Vanquisher and the Pyro were locked in titanic battle."
it's still 10/10 material regardless, but instead of 'titanic battle' it could be 'mortal combat' perhaps?

29-Nov-2007 02:05:50

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, not a bad start, Guard. It seems like an interesting story plot is developing, but that's exactly what it is. Developing. I need more before I get hooked. Not many people do pirate fights, with Fred Zeppili was the only other, and I'm glad to see you taking a chance.

Now, a few things.

ship Pyro was <-- Commas needed. ship, Pyro, was

more and more until it was no more <--- Third more is annoying repition, not the good kind. I don't like that...

So, fix up those little things if you feel like it and keep writing. Hopefully this develops into something great!

29-Nov-2007 03:13:49

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