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~The Treasure of Raduon~

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Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

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Hurray for Uvedin-ness! Lol. He's still awesome. Either way, sadistic captivating pirate or not. Still awesome.

Awesome adds too, can't wait to see how Jaron's gonna trick the pirates, or escape. Gosh... add! Lol.

I'd write more, but I gotta go to bed =(. Lol.

I <3 Pirates now lol

EDIT: Lol, Joran gets knocked out alot =P

20-Jan-2008 03:56:15 - Last edited on 21-Jan-2008 03:03:10 by Charmeddude0

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Review of TToR for The Magical Ink.

Mechanics - 18/20 - Your main problems was with thoughts and speeches. There is an example below:

~~''Imorlen you say? For yer sake I hope ye're wrong, because most of the island is overrun by them tribesmen.'' Uvedin replied in a low tone.~~
~…by them tribesmen." Uvedin replied in low tone.~ should be ~…by them tribesmen," Uvedin replied in a low tone.~

Don't put periods inside quotes when you continue the sentence with the statement 'someone said'; the same thing with thoughts. This is the biggest error I noticed throughout your writing as far as mechanics. It occurs in several places, though not in all. Fix it and your mechanics would be virtually flawless to my judgment.

There were also a few comma errors, but they were very few and far-between. So much so that they were nearly nonexistent. I didn't want to read through yet again to find them, so there aren't any here. They were just overlooked in your proofreading, nothing specific you did wrong constantly.



Description - 18/20 -
You had good description, but it still wasn't absolutely wonderful. I got a pretty good image of everything and everyone, but it wasn't as vivid as it could have been. I liked the description in the new adds, especially right at the very beginning. However, there were a few places where the writing didn't flow quite right.

~~In front of him for about two hundred yards was purely sand going in an upward slope towards the center of the island, but behind it were miles of endless, untamed jungle.~~

This is an example of where it didn't flow right. There were two or three other places like this in the newest three posts. Try reading out loud to see what sounds weird.

21-Jan-2008 06:56:55 - Last edited on 21-Jan-2008 07:56:18 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Characters - 18/20
The characters are pretty good. Uvedin is developing well; he's getting more into the pirate character. His speech is much better and he is certainly acting like I would imagine pirates to act. Also, I like how Joran is developing a little more. He can sometimes be quite impulsive and it seems to get him into trouble. Also, try to get a little more emotion within them. They have to be living people.

One last thing is that you're getting into some pretty deep action and it seems like more characters need to be introduced.


Plot - 17/20
Like I said in the other review, this can still go both ways. Since it's a pirate story you have a slight advantage in originality, but that doesn't mean you're free from unoriginality. I'm pretty hooked on what is happening as well, but I need more writing before I can give you great judgment on this. It's an introduction, still, but nothing more.


Overall Enjoyment - 17/20
You've got a nice story. It's got me interested, now you gotta keep it up.


Overall Score - 88/100

Comments: This could get into Overall excellence with a little work - try to get a little more emotion out of the characters and reapply when you've got more plot and when you've fixed the grammatical quotation errors I pointed out.

For now, I would probably say you belong in the characters category as an experienced author as you've been here awhile. Well done.

21-Jan-2008 07:55:54 - Last edited on 21-Jan-2008 07:58:55 by Chuk

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