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Aelfsaxa

Aelfsaxa

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Bioniclenoob,
Upon reading your Romantic Tragedy thing a few pages ago, since nobody really commented on it:
It's a decent start, but it seems like you tried too hard, you were forcing it. You were kind of forcing the tragedy with all this "delicate flowers" and death and tears and stuff, which is actually really clichèd.
The romance felt forced mostly because you overdid it with the "love" thing. I mean, even the last few sentences. How many times did you say "true love" there? It's overdoing it, and that's not only bad in romance or tragedy, but other genres. Example:
"Brave old Jack was a brave man. His bravery will not go unnoticed. A brave man he was."
You kind of did that in the little excerpt you had posted. Really, do we HAVE to be reminded that he was a brave man, or does "brave old Jack" pretty much solve that there? Be careful with that.
You're not really bad at horror, romance, or tragedy, as you haven't really tried much yet, but try not to force it. In both of my guides for those two, I explained that tragedy shouldn't be overdone with death and misery, and that romance was very hard to write without being clichèd and unoriginal.
If you were to write a tragedy, you wouldn't want to force it down our throats. You could try as many tragic clichès as possible, but that'll make it worse. Rain, tears, death, and the like, are WAY overused in tragedy. Rain might set the mood, but it's overdone.
A tragedy is also supposed to be relatively shocking, or "out of the blue." You can't drag on that someone is at the moment of their death so much and give away so much info. It's like constantly reminding us they're dying, after which the death has a much less powerful impact or effect.
If you went the whole story making it look like the main character would get out of this alive, only to have him get shot and never come back, THAT would be tragic. (continued on next post...)

13-Jun-2008 01:58:37 - Last edited on 13-Jun-2008 02:37:03 by Aelfsaxa

Aelfsaxa

Aelfsaxa

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(...continued from previous post)
Now, forcing a romance is alsopretty bad. I explained how you shouldn't force a tragedy by making it seem as tragic as possible with overdone tragedy trademarks, like rain and tears, but you could just as easily make it MORE tragic by not including many clichès.
For example, which situation seems sadder:
1.) A main character is dying, and it's taking an entire chapter, and it's raining, and everyone's crying, and he tells some girl he loves her, etc. And then he actually dies.
OR
2.) A main character has defeated the villain and is now celebrating. While he's with his friends, the villain, still trying to stay alive, stabs the main character, and they both drop dead. NO, he does not come back. He just dies. Everyone tries to do something, but it's futile, he's dead. Eventually, the female love interest would kiss him and say her stuff, then walk away holding back tears.
Scenario 2 is more tragic, right? That's because it's a more powerful impact, you didn't drag it out, and you might have had some buildup to this. Now, during the buildup, since the hero is victorious, readers would assume he stops the bad guy again, but then both just drop dead. It's just so sudden.
Really, don't force it, tragedy comes naturally. For romance, forcing it is also a bad idea. I said that I wanted it to not drag out forever, but the excerpt seems to indicate JUST that: It drags out through the whole story, and they admit it when one of them is about to die.
That's Inuyasha Syndrome. Avoid it. You have to time it just right so that it doesn't come too quickly, too forced, or too long. Or too random. (continued on next post....)

13-Jun-2008 02:06:34

Aelfsaxa

Aelfsaxa

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(....continued from previous post)
This is a rewrite of a short story I wrote. It was for Mod Tron's "100 Word Story." It's harder than it sounds.
However, with ONLY 100 words at my disposal, I would try my hardest to make a tragic, yet romantic, scenario, that was genuinely sad, and not forced. Here's the rewrite (Much longer):
~~ The Knife ~~
"George?" Freya asked. "George, can you hear me? I'm terribly sorry about what happened, but we have to move on. You can't just walk away from this problem, you can't stab it to the ground and leave it."
George didn't move. He had a blank expression on his face. Freya sat down next to him.
"Listen, I know how you feel. It's happened to me before. But you're starting to worry me. Please, for the love of your safety, for my love of you, don't run off like this!" Freya looked at George, who turned to her with a guilty look on his face.
"I'm... So sorry." George quickly gave her a hug, closing his eyes in pain. "I'm terribly sorry, I wish it had never had to come to this." Freya closed her eyes emotionlessly and fell to the ground. George had gently dug a knife into her back.
"I love you Freya. Thank you for telling me. I just hate myself for so many reasons." George laid down next to her body.
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Alright, now, this was extremely short. Not 100 Words, but I can't find the original, so I extended it. Does this example prove to be more tragic? Most would agree 'yes.' Would it be romantic? Yes, it would.
You can't try to force anything. Through that whole short story, I never forced anything. I didn't provide any excessive information that would make the impact less powerful, it was mostly just plain dialogue. There was no overdoing of the romance, everything just came naturally.
Hope this helped. Don't give up on tragedy or romance, remember that you can always improve with constructive help.
And work on paragraphs, don't Wall-o'-Text it.
(continued in next...)

13-Jun-2008 02:23:19 - Last edited on 13-Jun-2008 02:26:44 by Aelfsaxa

Aelfsaxa

Aelfsaxa

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(...continued from previous)
I'm writing too much. Anyway, this is the last bit of advice:
I noticed you used quite a bit of gore in that Romantragedy. One thing to really avoid is too much gore, if any, in romance OR tragedy. Nothing says "I love you" like a guy's stomach being ripped open before admitting his love, right? Wrong.
In a tragedy, gore isn't a major, or even a minor, part. Tragedy is emotional, not sickening. Writing that a character's "blood gushed out" makes it seem more like a horror story. Seriously, that little bit at the beginning alone destroyed the entire mood of both the tragedy and romance parts.
My story has a part where the main character, Sokreshel, does get his arm ripped off, but I don't, and never will, go into gory detail. I simply say his arm was ripped off, he was bleeding (Like a normal person, blood doesn't "gush out&quot ;) , and he held the wound while on the floor in pain.
He recovers, which adds to the buildup of the story. He doesn't die as he's given immediate medical attention. No gore, no over-bloodying it, it was just another experience in his now-ruined character (Ruined as in psychologically, not ruined as in I made the character bad literature-wise).
Gore does NOT mix well with romance NOR tragedy, and it especially won't mix in a romantic tragedy. So, try to work on that, and you'll get better for sure.
Done.
~*~ Sokreshel, Platinum Member of the Writers Elite ~*~

13-Jun-2008 02:36:21 - Last edited on 13-Jun-2008 02:36:39 by Aelfsaxa

A White Wolf

A White Wolf

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Thanks, Bionicle. I do my best. ^-^
That was quite the harangue, Dragon. :-p
I agree on most parts. Lmfao, including Inuyasha Syndrome. HAhahahHAA, that about killed me. Whew. *wipes a tear from his eye* Literally, that was hysterical. And I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm totally using that phrase from now on.
I didn't really follow your 100 Word Short, but oh well. I would agree, you are trying too hard to make the stories work, Bio. It all comes down to one word: finesse.
I don't need to go back and reiterate what Dragon said; his tips were valid enough.
If you have any more questions, just let us know.

13-Jun-2008 06:19:51 - Last edited on 13-Jun-2008 06:20:55 by A White Wolf

Winner Din 0

Winner Din 0

Posts: 1,854 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well done!
A very good informative thread and I will be refuring to it next time I try to write a story!
There was just one point I'd like to say. Have you mentioned how important the **tel is in a story.
A good **tel leads to more intrest on your thread and even if not everyone posts, your story will be more of a sucess!
Thanks
~W

13-Jun-2008 18:48:25 - Last edited on 13-Jun-2008 18:50:13 by Winner Din 0

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